my sibs are cool

My siblings are cool. Maybe someday I'll figure out how to stop being the oldest sister, and be more like a peer. I feels like it is hard to do since I remember when they were each born, changed their diapers, taught them how to dance, taught them how to climb trees, beat them at every ATARI and Nintendo game we ever had, was always the mama bird in that bird game we played, helped them with their math homework, edited their essays, got them in trouble, got them out of trouble, broke down the cerfew barriers, "set a good example", softened up the parents so they could have it easier, gave each of them the "how to use a credit card (the right way)" and "what mom and dad didn't tell you about the real world" talks before they went to college, let one of them live with me for nearly a year, gave one a car (even if it turned out to be crappy), took another one on a pre-college scope-out of two colleges and co-signed student loans, etc. I love them, can't ya tell.

I dropped the egg count for a few days. 4 eggs today, 3 yesterday, and I forget how many before that.

Tuesday afternoon

So I'm finally trying to emerge from the black hole of the past few days....what a whirlwind! It was amazing, and wonderful, and I'm glad that most of the work is done...now for the aftermath (sigh).

Yesterday was alpaca shearing day...we made 2 trips to the vet hosptial in Ft. Collins to get 6 animals shorn...they look incredibly funny now! I'll have to get some pictures posted. My poor, hairless, naked babies...and everytime I look at them I start laughing!

I took Miko to the airport early-early this morning, so I'm home alone for the rest of the week...and I think I'm coming down with a cold.

popping bubbles

Yesterday, we went to my boss's house to watch the Bolder Boulder, Boulder's annual 10K run. His house is about half-way on the route, and so we got to see an incredible mass of humanity streaming past. I didn't see any of the people who I knew were in the race, and saw several people that I didn't realize would be in it. My boss's wife set up a bubble machine in the front yard to keep the kids occupied and also as entertainment for the passing runners. It was fascinating to me to see runners of all ages coming past us excitedly yelling "BUBBLES!" and running with arms over their heads through the soapy, floating, spheres.

I thought of those bursting, glistening orbs when I spoke to my grandma last night and she told me that it wouldn't be too late for me to go back to school and get my PhD. The mantra I kept hearing from my mother and grandmother when I quit med school and became an engineering PhD student was that I could always change my mind and go back and get my MD. Then later when I quit my PhD program with "only" a masters degree, again the mantra that was chanted in my ear in most every telephone call "you can always go back, you can still get your doctorate".

So many people over the years have seen me as a bright, shiny object, one that could do amazing things, and over and over I keep bursting their expectations. I don't regret my choices. I feel every bubble popped has lead me in a direction that has felt right. My choices may not be ones that my mother or grandmother would have made, but I am happy. I am home.

my very scheduled life

I've been feeling very claustrophobic with my life the last few days...I have so many things that I want to do with my time, but don't have the time to do them all. My weekend is so full that Michael and I have to schedule a time to go to the grocery store! I love having a farm and a garden, but I have to be able to be home a certain amount of time everyday to take care of a bunch of necessary responsibilities. I love my friends and family, and I never have enough time to talk to everyone I want to, or spend time with everyone I want to.

Michael desperately wants a dog. He grew up with dogs, and the longest I've been around a dog was a week last summer when we owned a dog and then had to give it back because it kept running away. It has become more and more clear to me that I don't want a dog. I don't want to add on the responsibility of care for a being that needs human attention and affection (on top of routine care like feeding). Our alpacas and chickens don't need us to be around, and really just need us to make sure they have food and water and shelter, and at birthing time to make sure they don't die in labor. Every time he talks about getting a dog, I get more claustrophobic. I've told him this, and I know that he gets it on some level, but that doesn't keep him from wanting a dog...sigh.

incredible day

What a day! After the crazy emotional rollercoaster yesterday, today has been incredible.

I stayed home from work today because I had a funny feeling about Maya, and she looked a little poofy and swollen in the rigt places. I kept checking throughtout the morning, and at 11:20 I looked out the window and saw her straining. By the time I got outside, the front feet and nose were out! I called my llama-rescue neighbor to come help (I haven't done one of these alone yet) and with my neighbor's guidance, I helped deliver the baby at 11:35am. She is gorgeous, solid black, fiesty, and full of life. No way this baby is going to have BVDV! She was standing within 20 minutes, and was nursing after 1 hour.

Since I was home all day, I spent a considerable amount of time being nostalgic and emailing back and forth with an old friend that found me in myspace land. Yay.

And my Paulie wanted to go shopping with me

And now Lisa and John are over and the oven is heating up for us to cook our pizza, and then we'll watch Xmen 1 and 2! And they're sleeping over! What a great day!

roller coaster

crazy emotional roller coaster of a day and a half...

DOWN. I got a call last night that has put the Fear in me. One of our alpacas was at a ranch in the fall for breeding where it turns out another animal was being boarded that was just diagnosed as a PI (persistently infected) for BVDV (bovine viral diarrheal virus). These BVDV PI animals get infected in-utero when their mom is exposed to an animal with the virus. An animal that is determined to be PI must be "destroyed". So this means that we have a female who was breeding and became pregnant while she could have been exposed to this virus...which means there is a good chance she got the virus and so is pregnant with a PI baby...who will be tested the day it is born...and maybe will have to be "destroyed" within days of birth. To top it off, we have 2 other pregnant girls that we took to that ranch to "spit test" (pregnancy test)...so they've all had some exposure. I can't even begin to imagine having to lose 3 babies this year.

UP. have read 3 books in the last 24 hours...Prince Caspian, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, & The Silver Chair (all by CS Lewis) Yay for escapism via Narnia.

DOWN. Got a call today from my Dad that my grandma is back in the hospital. And it hs been 8 weeks, so my brother is heading home for his next treatment.

UP. DOWN. UP. was contacted by someone I haven't been in touch with for 9+ years...I was really happy and excited about hearing from them...then spent nearly an hour trying to figure out how to respond to part of one of the email exchanges...had a bit of a freakout around that...and then decided that if I had done something horrible in the past that time has erased from my memory, they probably wouldn't have initiated contact (i think)

DOWN. realized mid-blog that I left the water on in the garden (so it was on for 5 hours!)

UP. Started seriously planning a fun sleepover at my house with a few friends tomorrow night (yay!) that will include watching X-men 1 and 2 and eating junk food and I now know for sure that John and Lisa are both coming, and maybe Jess?

DOWN. It is nearly midnight, and I haven't talked to Michael today...I don't sleep well when he's gone, and I'm being quite the insomniac right now, and I'll probably be hurting in the AM...maybe I'll start another book

3 eggs today.

Conference!

Quick update about the black hole of the jennieblog...I'm working all weekend helping to midwife the baby that I've been creating for over a year...a conference in celebration of 30+ years of the program that I work for. I probably won't have another opportunity to blog until Monday or Tues...we'll see.

It was amazing last night to see the approx 350 people at the opening keynote, and in particular to see so many people that I know (students, alumni, faculty, staff) and finally meet face to face with people that I've only previously communicated with by email or phone.

I expect that I'll crash when this whole thing is done b/c I'm working crazy hours (at work until 10 last night, back here at 7:30am, will be here tonight until 10, back again tomorrow at 7:30am...) and Monday is alpaca shearing day! I'm hopped up on adrenaline and WAY too much caffeine right now...babbeling...ok, must stop and just sit!

sprouting up a swimmin' hole

The okra and cucumbers and pumkins have sprouted in the indoor greenhouse. The greenbeans and soybeans have broken ground with their fat little heads outside! Hooray for veggie gardening!

I bought a kiddie pool for the alpaca girls. From the looks of the muddy water, they enjoyed a day at the swimmin' hole. It has been HOT here (in the 80s) and while most of the animals will be shorn on Monday, the girls who are close to their due dates won't be shorn until after they deliver...so we're trying to give them opportunities for cooling off.

12 eggs today. Yes, I know that seems crazy, but we didn't collect them the last 2 days, so I gathered 9 eggs this morning after setting up the swimmin hole, and 3 more eggs after feeding this evening!

the joy of llamas wrestling

I was blessed tonight in being able to witness our two female llamas playing. These two girls are Aquirus (10yrs old, 335 lbs) and Merle (7yrs old, 415 lbs).

Every once in a while as the sun is setting, all the llamas and alpacas will start to romp and run and bounce, known as pronking in the camelid world (think Pepe Le Pew....boing, boing, boing).

But I have never before seen the girls play quite like they were tonight! Merle and Aquirius started out by pronking around the north pasture, just the two of them. After a few laps, they started to wrestle! It was really incredible watching these two wrestling with each other, each trying to bring the other to her knees and pin her down. Merle won round after round after round. I was just giddy watching them maneuver their necks and legs...blocks, strikes, counter-strikes...an incredible dance between these two middle-aged ladies ;) I hope I have that much energy when I get to be their age!

home again, home again (jiggity jig)

I'm back from Nashville! I had a great time hanging out with my childhood BFF. And while I really enjoyed the lush green landscape in Nashville, and spending time with my friend who is now a MD and PhD, I got a lot of perspective on my life and where I'm at now vs. where I could have been.

At one point my friend's mom asked me if I had any regrets leaving my MD and/or PhD programs...and I can honestly say that I have no regrets. That wasn't my path. My BFF (who knows all the details about the ups and downs I've had over the years) asked me at one point a similar question, and asked if I was happiest in my current life...and the only thing I could come up with that would make me happier would be to live closer to Boulder and my friends...my recent travels have helped me realize that Boulder is really my home now. I just gotta figure out how to get a farm property closer in!

go...to Nashville

My pre-travel freakout is nearly done. I am finally packed, and I have checked in online. I am traveling with one carry-on sized bag and a backpack with some snacks and travel documents and space for books.

I never did get to the mall to get new jeans or a new watch band or a new book. I am 50 pages from finishing my current book, so I won't bring it with...I am certain that I will purchase over-priced books at the airport bookstore, but c'est la vie.

I do not know if I will find time to blog from Nashville so farewell for now dear readers...see you on the flip side.

set...the pre-travel freak out continues

Today I said goodbye to the class of 2006...the students that I inherited from Tharpa when they had 6 more weeks as 1st year students. I avoided telling them I wouldn't be there for graduation until today...and I'm sad that I won't be there. I did get choked up and teary when the last student was at our farewell tea. Writing about it now, I'm getting a little choked up and teary...I'm so proud of them all.

And continuing with the pre-travel freak out, I did run a few of my freak-out errands: I purchased bath products I don't really need to travel with, got snacks for the plane, mother's day cards, birthday cards for birthdays that won't happen for weeks, and new sunglasses. Tomorrow, I have many more errands planned.

ready...the pre-travel freak-out begins

I leave on Thursday for my trip to Nashville for my BFF's graduation.

I typically freak out right before I travel. This pattern of freak-out started very early....I remember that when I was little and my family would take a summer vacation, I would say good bye to all my stuffed animals in case I never saw them again. In highschool one time, I wrote letters to a few friends and put them in sealed envelopes on my dresser right before I left for a week in case I died while on vacation. My frosh year in college, I stayed up all night before I went home for Thanksgiving...I was worried I might miss my early morning shuttle to the airport, worried that the power might go out and the alarm clock wouldn't go off, worried that while I was gone the power would go off and my my mini-fridge would get weird, so I spent the wee hours of hte morning defrosting my mini-fridge in my dorm room. There are more stories, but I think you get the point.

My pre-travel freak-out manifested this weekend in the form of a mini-cleaning rampage. Today I wrote my BFF an email with a bunch of questions that I know I already have the answers to, but I just want to be sure. I'm already planning an absurd number of errands that must be done before I leave town. And I have to find time to finish reading the book I started so I can get a new book for the airport.

So, yes, I recognize the freak-out, but if you were leaving town for 5 days, wouldn't you freak out too?

farm tales and fox tails

Today was a farm chore day. We finally separated Dash from the girls. We separated him a while back to wean him, but he was with another little one, and after he was weaned we put him back with the girls because he was still too little to be with the boys. So we separated him for good today. It was heartbreaking for me. He spent all day crying and freaking out, running around trying to figure out how to get back to the girls (and his mom).

Michael finished the irrigation system for the garden, and I planted in the garden soybeans, greenbeans, brussel sprouts, beets and chard seeds. We also planted some gladiolus corms, finished weeding the strawberries, and started hardening off the seedlings (tomatoes, bok choi, brussel sprouts,and cilantro). I also started cukes, okra, pumpkins, and jalepenos in pots in the little indoor green house.

We saw a fox in the pasture early in the day, and again two more times later in the day. They are amazing, beautiful animals, and I'm glad we've got a safe place for our hens. 5 eggs today.

ratna madness

This evening I experienced a case of ratna madness. We had dinner at our favorite little hole-in-the-wall Japanese restaurant near our house and had ordered a spicy tuna roll to share. The texture of the roll...the sauce...the crispy tempura bits...and the amazing melting quality of the fish...AMAZING.

We then went to the Flower Bin and I went into the very large greenhouse filled with dozens of varieties of roses...where I savored the colors and shapes and scents...and then went to look at the baskets of annuals and and the abundant rows of plants...so many beautiful plants...and the veggie seedlings sent me reeling because they were so huge compared to my little puny veggie seedlings that I started from seed weeks ago and I felt totally inadequate until I remembered that I started them from scratch and didn't need the more instant gratification of giant seedlings. And I decided to buy gladiolus bulbs. Michael and I were going to each pick 3 bulbs...and I got 12. I am just so excited by the idea of having these gorgeous multicolored flowers in late summer!

I do want to point out that my gardening passion is almost entirely focused on "useful" plants (those that produce food), so my ratna excitement about the flowers is quite unusual.

We then came home and satisfied Michael's arbor day indulgence by planting 10 tree saplings.

post script

I've been thinking more about the intersection of yesterday's adventure with my weekend exploration into living a life that is free and well favored. Would so many people have stopped to offer me a ride if I was not a middle class, caucasian, short, young-ish woman? If I were dressed more poorly, if I was older, if I was a man, if I was large, if I wasn't white...would people still have stopped to offer me a ride? I'll never know. But it was a nice chance for the universe to say to me once again that being a petite, young, white, woman is still a place of immense privilege.

and I was right...my mother was horrified...I forgot to tell my sibs not to tell her.

my mother would be horrified

After work today I took the truck to get checked out and since Miko was staying in Boulder, I decided to take the bus home. As I was walking from the Firestone to the bus stop, it started to rain. It took me about 10 min to walk to the bus stop and as I was getting close, my bus went by.

So I waited in the rain for a few minutes when another bus pulled up. It wasn't my usual line, but the driver assured me that he went to my stop, so I got on. I ended up being the only person on the bus for my 45min bus ride though parts of town I didn't even know existed.

I had a pleasant time talking to my bus driver who came to the US from Yugoslavia in 1996. When the bus did finally get to the right part of town, the rain had only gotten worse. Normally when I take the bus home, I have a car stashed at the bus stop so I can drive the 2.5 miles from the bus stop to my house. Since I left the car at Firestone (a 15 min drive from my house, 45min on this crazy indirect bus), I had planned on walking back to my house. At the time I formulated the plan, there was no rain. By the time I got off the bus, there was a lot of rain.

I actually was having a rather pleasant walk along the shoulder of the highway in the very heavy rain. I really enjoyed imagining the reactions of all the people driving by wondering what in the world I was doing.

Three cars stopped to ask me if they could give me a ride. Since I was already thinking how much my mother would be horrified at the thought of her drenched daughter walking home in the fading sunlight in the rain on the side of the highway, I declined the first two offers. The third was a woman who was very persistent, and when I gave my "Oh, I'm just up ahead" she said, "near Charlene?" so since she knew my next-door-neighbor without me prompting, I decided that she probably wasn't an axe murderer and gave in and let her drive me the rest of the way home.

I had a fun adventure, learned that there are some really nice people out there, and that the streets in Yugoslavia are much cleaner than they are in the US. And when it looks like rain, bring a coat and/or umbrella.

4 eggs today

So there's a bunch of stuff that I would vent about today if I felt like doing something stupid that could get me in a spot of trouble since I never really know who is reading this thing. So instead I'll just say...4 eggs today.