impermanent strength is fine by me

yesterday was alpaca shearing day. day for my babies to go to the 'salon' and get their annual haircuts. I met up with michael at the house at 7am and we got the kids haltered and loaded up in the trailer. Maya had been shorn already after the stillbirth and the llamas are going next week to CSU for their shearing, so we only had 6 to take.

We got everyone up to this other ranch where our favorite traveling shearer from down under, had been booked for the day. The other ranch had about 20 animals to shear, and a few friends who had minimal experience with alpacas helping out. The process this particular shearer uses is lay down the animals on their sides and keep them stretched out by attaching a loop of rope to each foot, each end of the alpaca (front end and back end) is then connected via rope to a pulley that can be tightened to keep the animal immobile. Sounds harsh, but is actually the most humane system I've seen...and I've seen several different ways to shear an alpaca. Some animals freak out during shearing and spit, scream and/or pee. Some just quietly take it.

We had enough people that we were able to have a few people on take-down the animal duty, some on grabbing and bagging fleece duty, and some getting the next animal to be shorn haltered and ready. I did some of each, but ended up doing the bulk of the getting next animal ready duty. There was a woman there who had a little experience with the animals, but not much. She was hesitant and shy around the alpacas, not wanting to hurt them and not wanting to get hurt. She was awkward with the animals and didn't seem comfortable 'on deck' standing in a big open area trying to handle fidgety, freaked out alpacas. I watched her for a bit while working in the shearing area. After a few animals, she said she'd need help getting more alpacas haltered up to bring out, so I stepped out to help. Once in the pen, it was really clear that I was the experienced handler. She was shy about grabbing the animals, and I just stepped up to animals I didn't know, caught them pretty easily, and haltered them up. I ended up doing this with several animals, including a male that everyone warned me was difficult--he was a sweetie and I had no trouble on my own. I led several of those alpacas out to the 'on deck' area and did some on-the-spot tonglen with some of them. Some were really nervous, and I just breathed in their fear and sent them out open space, I breathed in the terror and sent out coolness and relaxation. Some of them I could tell needed to walk instead of stand around waiting, so I walked them and talked to them. I had the realization that this woman that I was assisting (and sort of took over for) was how I was with these animals 5-6 years ago. I used to really admire people who had the confidence to walk up to any alpaca and be firm yet gentle, and just grab an animal in a way that looked effortless. Here I was doing just that. I've owned alpacas for 5.5 years, and started looking at them as a dream 9 years ago.

I don't know when I lost my fear, I don't know when I found my seat, when I became the woman who could pick up wriggling 20-50 pound crias (babies), who could evaluate a stud by the size of his testicles (and the rest of the conformation package), who could give shots and worming paste and trim toenails, who could hold the tail of a female while she was being bred, and put her arm inside an alpaca's vagina and attempt to deliver a baby. When did I become a woman who is stronger than she realizes? I've learned so much about myself from having a farm. I learned that I can't be a rancher without becoming attached to my animals, I can't kill my own chickens (so I won't eat meat), and I can I can cry at the injustice of a chicken and duck dying at the hands of a skunk who could kill them but wouldn't eat them. I've learned that I can shovel feet of snow and carry hay bales and drive rigs full of trees and trailers filled with animals, and dig graves for dead cats. I can love my animals so much that I mourn them when they die, and cry when they give birth.

So I'm proud of myself for being strong. I'm proud of myself for getting outside my comfort zone of suburbia and I'm proud of myself for doing hard work and trying to live a life that has a lot of challenges. I'm proud to recognize how much I've grown and changed in my life, and I don't want that to stop. I'm stronger than I think I am, and this is a great lesson to remember. I keep learning it and remembering it, and I keep forgetting. I've been down on myself the last few days, berating myself, and being really self-aggressive. Yesterday was so wonderful to be able to take another look, to know that none of it is solid. Even the pride isn't solid, the "yay for me, i'm so strong" isn't permanent. None of it is. None of it needs to be.