angry rant

I am angry and I am sad. If you don't want to read an angry rant, just move on.

This morning I got a call from some people who saw the ad for my house to rent, and are interested in renting. When I spoke with the guy, he said it would be three men renting the house. We scheduled a time for later in the day to meet there so they could see it. I already had another family coming later in the day, so it felt good to get so much interest all at once. 

After I got off the phone, I started thinking. I thought about my house, how it is in a rural community where the houses aren't close together. I thought about how my body is perceived as small and weak, and that makes me vulnerable. I was thinking about what I should wear--baggy jeans and my baggy, thick hand-me-up sweatshirt were on the list. I thought about calling my neighbors to let them know I'd be at the house. How I was already planning out which pocket I'll have my whistle in, and which pocket my phone will be in. That I hadn't thought about any of this when I was going up to meet a family (husband, wife, and two young girls) popped into my mind. I thought that if I was a man, I wouldn't have to think about any of this, and I am angry. 

I am angry that I do have to think about these things. I am angry that I have friends that have been sexually assaulted. I am angry that I have to put on my extra-tough masks when I'm going to meet 3 men that I don't know. 

I am angry that my physical appearance puts me at risk. The fact is, I am strong, and a lot stronger than many people would guess. I am physically stronger than many women I know. I lived on a farm for a bunch of years, and now I go to the gym to maintain the strength that I hadn't even realized I gained. And even so, I am still a small woman, and so I am vulnerable. 

I am angry that in order to feel less vulnerable, I put on baggy clothes to hide my curves, I build up myself image and show off by talking about carrying hay bales and other physical feats. I keep everyone at a distance. 

I am angry that I get ignored and I don't get respect because of my small, female body. There is an angry, strong, beautiful, smart woman in this body who doesn't like being ignored. An angry woman who is fed up with all misogyny. 

Feminism ain't about equality; it's about reprieve.