sometimes you need to smell like a man

Do you ever have those days where you know you're in for a rough one so you do everything you can to build yourself up? You wear the clothes that you know work for you, the boots that don't quit, you play the right kind of music in the car ride to work and at your desk (quietly playing Billy Idol can't hurt, right?) You get the juice blast for breakfast and avoid the caffeine all day. You even use your guy's deodorant because, as I said a little too loudly to my best girl in the hallway at work "sometimes you need to smell like a man".

And all these things that you're doing are all external. They don't change the way you really feel, they don't remove the jitterybug in your belly. The old masks don't work. The old ways of building walls seem ridiculous.

I'm tender and brokenhearted. The 3rd years are only a month away from graduation, and that class is dying. The ending is so much harder for me this year than any other. I can't believe how much I procrastinated getting their syllabi farewell packets together. Writing the letter "To the class of 2007" makes me ache. This ending, I know, is inevitable.

Layers of heartache and longing. Seeing students sitting in the suite and wanting to reach out and not knowing if I should. Can I keep it together for one month more? Sitting at my desk can be excruciating. Sitting out there with them is too. Lean into it and be brave? hide in my office and be cowardly? Being awkward and embarrassed for feeling like this. Love takes a warrior.

Wow. This post is not at all what I had planned. I've gone all goofy and swoony and done pretty much the opposite of what I had planned with all my armor. crud.

What I really planned on writing about was my Saturday. I had such a lovely saturday with my EmilyG. EmilyG is my...well, I don't quite know what to call her. She's like the piece of me that got replicated in the bardo and got born a few years later to some other parents in the midwest. The number of things about us that are the same are uncanny. She's a freak like me for pumpkins and has the same ideas about gardening and sustainable living and chickens and hapa peartinis and midwest life and city girl/country girl struggles and Ani(!) and well, I could go on and on.

So EmilyG and I got together for the first time since my birthday in July! We had lovely brunch at a place in Denver. I forgot how much I love being in the city. Our little urban cafe was quirky and fun and the food was great and the wait staff were all a bunch of queens (literally drag queens). So we had our lovely time dining and being envious of the fact that some men look better in womens clothes than most women (Oh to be that tall with those tiny hips...).

And we caught up each other on our lives and then went to the Denver Art Museum! Hooray for art museums. I love Boulder, but Boulder doesn't have the kind of deep and varied culture opportunities that I've been craving. We spent hours and hours at the art museum and she is even the kind of person (like me) that really looks at the pieces and reads the little notes about when things were made and who made them and where they came from. We spent a lovely time looking at modern art, modern native american pottery, and the place we spent the most time: the floor with the asian art. There was a whole section on Buddhist art, scupltures, and even a sand mandala. There was a lovely section on swords that got me thinking of a friend that is into swords. There was a museum staffer by the swords showing kids (and adults) how to handle the swords properly, bowing and turning the blade toward yourself. It got me misty for sure.

We saw only a small section of the museum, and I'm certainly going back! Wow, I'm tangenting again. perhaps this story is long enough. Time to crash out and read and knit! Whee!

still crazy after all these years

well M and I have been together for almost 10 years. someone recently asked me, "what do you work on after 10 years together?" (I work with therapists, ya know). What a fantastic question. I didn't have a great answer at the time...after a day of being crabby and being crabbed at, I have a better answer.

How can it be that after all this time, we still say things that hurt each other? Neither of us meant to, and we both have tried to come to the other with our heads hanging, but we haven't quite gotten this blister to pop.

I'm just waiting for him to come home so we can try to clear things.

travel planning

I love to travel. I love to think about the places in this world I want to visit...places rich with history, art, food, language, culture, literature, scenery, and people. I had big dreams for being able to join my friends Dan and Andie on a piece of their 8 month around-the-world trip. They are having such amazing adventures! Alas, Michael and I got caught off guard when we learned of their trip and hadn't saved up for an international trip...we try to go international every few years and have been with Dan and Andie to China (2001) and Turkey (2005).

While I'm not heading too far, the summer travel bug has bit and I'm planning some solo-ish adventures for later in the spring. I've been talking to the BFF who lives in Boston now about coming out to see her. It's been a year and we've got a lot of catching up to do! I've only been to Boston once before, more than a decade ago, so it is right proper time to get out there for my girl.

I'm also hatching up a scheme to visit my friend D in the super exotic town of Killeen, TX (pop. 100,000; an hour from waco and an hour from Austin) before he gets deployed to Iraq later this summer. I originally thought I'd do a quick fly in, quick visit, fly out trip would be the way to go, but I started looking at driving distances and a solo road trip is starting to sound like a mighty fine idea...or at least more of a travel adventure than I might otherwise get this summer.

ah...lovely things to dream of and plan and plot and scheme. I bet there are all kinds of quirky fun off the beaten path things to to in Boston and Killeen

$#%&!@%$#&%#@

so i'm in freakout swearing at self mode at the moment. Today I was back up at SMC setting up the next retreat and spent a good chunk of time talking to the staff about expectations. I have a whole speech about what is and is not appropriate behavior with students (sex with students bad, boundaries with students good) and realized that somewhere along the way last week my boundaries started to disintegrate with the soon-to-be graduating students.

When the hell did that happen?! When did i become creepy bad boundary lady? f'ing red room. OK, OK don't freak out. There was NO sex with students. There wasn't even anything remotely close to sex with students. But was I creepy bad boundary lady when a student said flirtatious thing and I blushed? What about when other student gave me a gazillion hugs (ok maybe 2) as he was waiting for the rest of his carpool peeps to get their stuff. or what about when I said "I love you" to student bringing warm chocolate chip cookies to me straight from the oven?! Well, I meant that I was happy about the cookies, right?! crap.

And then there was the one thing that I knew was over the line as soon as it happened and said so and then dismissed it. student picking me up to give me a hug. shit.

even the fact that I shared personal stories with some students is a problem, isn't it?! I mean I wrote (or at least recently edited and approved) the line in the manual that says dual relationships include sharing info with some and not all.... "...staff should take care not to enter into a relationship with a student in which the student is privileged to information about a staff member that is not available to all students....staff should be particularly mindful about speech." fuck.

home from retreat

I'm back from a week-long meditation retreat and my heart is open and achy and tender.

I got home a little before 5pm on Saturday and slept 15 hours. I spent most of yesterday in bed and took today off to mope and to recover from this cold/cough that started yesterday.

While I was on retreat Nemo my cat died. This weekend one of my chickens, Big Mama died. I suppose the message from the universe is "LET GO!" or perhaps "Remember Impermanence!"

I'm so attached to this graduating group, and I know I need to let them go. They are so amazing and brave and strong and talented and smart and loving and wow, I guess I could go on and on. This group has been my "baby"...I started a few months before they began their journey, even interviewed some of them. I sat in on classes with this group, learned to meditate with this group, mourned my first pets, Chicken and Duck, with this group, watched them develop as a community and as therapists.

I am so proud of them all. And it is so hard to let them go.

Tomorrow I head back up to SMC to set up the next month-long retreat.

In Solidarity

Dear Friend,

American workers need help - and there's something you can do about it.

Regardless of where you live or what you do, labor unions are our first line of defense for worker's rights. What do they fight for? Raising the minimum wage. Improving labor standards. Expanding health care benefits. Protecting retirement security.

And these fights don't only make a difference in the workplace: They are critical to providing economic security for families, strengthening our communities and rebuilding America's middle class. Every day, millions of Americans work hard and play by the rules but are still struggling to get by. Democrats understand the important role that labor unions play to fix this crisis.

The House of Representatives is set to debate and pass a bill that will restore American workers' right to freely choose whether or not to form a union. Join the Democratic majority in the House and show your support for the Employee Free Choice Act:

http://www.democrats.org/StrengthenUnions

Research shows union members earn 30% more than nonunion workers. What's more, union workers are 63% more likely to have employer-provided health insurance, and are four times more likely to have a guaranteed pension.

The benefits of union membership are clear. That's why nearly half of American workers who are not currently represented by unions -- 60 million people -- say that they'd join one if they had the chance. But every year since 1981, union membership has declined. And a major reason for that fall-off is the many obstacles workers face when they try to form a union or negotiate a union contract.

The Employee Free Choice Act is a simple, effective solution to restore the right of workers to form unions and bargain for better wages and benefits for themselves and their families. It has three key provisions:

• Require employers to recognize a union if a majority of workers sign authorization cards saying they want union representation.
• Provide mediation and arbitration for first-contract disputes.
• Strengthen penalties for companies that illegally intimidate employees to prevent them from forming a union.

No management coercion, no waiting period, no stacked deck -- just the freedom for workers to stand up for their rights.

Democratic leaders in the House overwhelmingly support the Employee Free Choice Act. Speaker Nancy Pelosi has called it a "top priority." House Labor Committee Chairman George Miller called it "an important step towards strengthening America's middle class." Now you can join the leadership in calling on Congress to pass this critical legislation:

http://www.democrats.org/StrengthenUnions

Big business is scared of the Employee Free Choice Act -- and that's why they're doing everything in their power to stop it.

75% of companies hire consultants or union-busters to fight organizing campaigns. And their tactics work: every 23 minutes, a worker is fired or discriminated against for supporting a union. All in all, over 22,000 workers each year are illegally fired, demoted, laid off, suspended without pay, or denied work by their employers as a result of union activity.

Why have our leaders in Washington allowed this to happen? Follow the money trail.

The public opposition to the Employee Free Choice Act is funded in large part by GOP-allied corporate lobbyists and interest groups like the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the American Conservative Union, and Americans for Tax Reform. The dozens of groups that make up the "Coalition for a Democratic Workplace" spend big bucks each election cycle buying Republicans' votes on bills like this one.

This is nothing new. Big Business always gets what it wants from the Republicans-- from an energy bill written by Cheney's oil industry pals to a prescription drug bill full of giveaways to Big Pharma.

This time, though, the Democrats in Congress can stop them. Show the House that you will stand with America's workers:

http://www.democrats.org/StrengthenUnions

Do you believe in the right to demand a raise? Health care coverage? A pension? Do you believe workers should have a voice in their workplaces?

The fate of the Employee Free Choice Act depends on your work. Help score an important victory for worker's rights and for rebuilding America's middle class.

In Solidarity,

Governor Howard Dean, M.D.

crazy knitting cat-n-camelid lady

My most exciting accomplishment (beyond shoveling a lot of poo) is knitting a hat for michael.

I'm making him a hat with ear flaps! I'm so proud that my first knitted had is a complex hat. I finished the hat part yesterday and today I started on the first earflap. I taught myself via excellent web instructions on knittinghelp.com how to "pick up stitches" and how to make an "i-cord".

As you can see from my model, I've still got a way to go on the cord.

AND Melinda, clued me in on the best blog, a blog that I aspire to emulate, crazyauntpurl.com
After reading some of this woman's blogs, I realized that I have much in common with her...I too am pretty hermity, I like to knit, and I have a cat that I enjoy photographing...I can see where some of the stereotypes of crazy knitting cat ladies come from. I am becoming a crazy knitting cat-n-camelid lady.

Perhaps one day I'll next knit some outfits for my alpacas.