countdown to crazytown

I'm approaching the final countdown to my departure for a week of retreat. This week I've been doing an excellent job of being really, really neurotic. There has been a whole week of pre-travel freakout going on. For other hilarious tales of pre-travel freakout, see related blogs.

It seems that when I travel, I return to my roots. I return to the my early socialization, the messages I received from early, early on: the world is a scary and dangerous place, and you better watch out because you never know when a TV might explode. The way this paranoia manifests in me is wanting to make sure everything is in order before I leave "just in case I don't come back". You know, in case I leave this mortal coil while traveling.

There's really no reason to think that going away for a weekend or a week is any more dangerous than my daily commute to work, and yet I have made lists and lists of things I want to do before I go: cleaning, purchasing things that I maybe might need (like batteries for that 3rd flashlight), ensuring I have twelve kinds of snacks (for a 2 hour drive), can I pay all the bills and mail all the things I need to mail, and get to my safe deposit box and take those clothes to the salvation army and plan the garden I'm going to dig, and make all those calls I want to make, and write my will and write love letters and write the story of my life all before I go away for a week?

And tonight I was able to let go for a few hours and read a book while I ate dinner, and kept on reading after I finished dinner. And ok, maybe I got obsessive and finished the book I was reading so that it would be one more thing I finished "just in case". Tonight I created an "in case of emergency" contact list. I don't expect that anything will happen to me ever, but well, better to have a short list of the important people in my life that don't necessarily have each others' contact information. I'm not distributing the list widely, because, really I don't need to freak out a lot of people by sending them my crazytown list for no really good reason.

And if something terrible were to befall me, I'm putting this out there for the world to know: I'm an organ donor, and I don't want to be in any prolonged vegetative state. Give away my useful bits & pieces (guts, etc) to others who might find them useful, and let me go. Don't bury me in a metal box--a plain old wood thing, preferably sustainably harvested. At this time, I don't have all the documents I keep promising Dad I'll get together...I really will someday soon do those more official "just in case" documents. In the meantime, this will have to do.

Sorry for being all melodramatic and nutty, but, well, you all know me, and this is what I do. It is my pre-travel freakout, countdown to crazytown (or maybe I'm already in crazytown!)

abundance and claustrophobia

I've been bouncing back and forth lately between abundance and claustrophobia. Having a lot of something can be wonderful, but if it crosses over into too much, I get all claustrophobic and tight. I think this is caused by feeling like I don't have enough time. I have lists of things that I want to do and need to do, and not enough time to do those things.

This weekend I had a list of people I wanted to call (friends and family), and I did talk to my parents, but that was it. No calls to my sibs or grandparents, not to my Paulie, Fern & Jeff, Jess, Brooks & Lisa or Jess or my EmilyG. I had a 15+ hour workday on Sunday...traveled up to Shambhala Mountain Center. It was nice to see students and staff. It was nice to have some space to talk to those people who matter to me, but I didn't get to talk to the people who matter most.

I had a mini-pretravel freakout on Sunday morning...frantically cleaning the kitchen, taking out half-full trash, running to the grocery to buy too many beverages and snacks for the road (a kombucha and a smoothie and a water bottle and two granola bars and wasabi peas?!), stopping at my office to grab office supplies, and all that before 9am on Sunday.

The line between abundance and claustrophobia is one I walk a lot. Having a lot to do, having too much to do and getting stuck because there are too many things and not enough time. Feeling paralyzed when there is too much. I've since gotten unstuck, but that stuck, claustrophobic feeling is so difficult.

fantastical recipes from outerspace

fantastical recipes from outerspace?! Why, what a faboo idea. What I've been eating lately:

1. cheese sandwiches. How faboo can a cheese sammich be you ask? Uber-faboo, I reply. Jennie's current favorite cheese sandwich recipe FROM OuterSPAAACE (echos)

Take 2 slices good bread. Jennie is currently partial to Safeway O Organic brand seeds and grains bread. Spread one side of bread liberally with Annie's organic horseradish mustard, the other piece of bread is slathered in mayo. On the mustard side put on sliced, fresh mushrooms, thin slices of green onion, thin slices of red bell pepper, and a nice fat layer of Tilamook medium cheddar cheese followed by mayo-side of other piece of bread. Sliced pepperoncinis, radishes, and avocado are also quite faboo on this lovely lunchy sammich.

2. ginger and cardamom tea
in a pot add 2 inches of fresh ginger, peeled, and finely chopped
10 cardamom pods, smooshed
6 tablespoons brown sugar (don't worry, it dissolves, you'll never know how much sugar you are consuming)
4 cups water
bring all to a boil, let simmer 15-20 minutes. watch out, it's gingerific.

3. Stir-fried eggplants with tomato and parmesan cheese from OUTER SPAAAACCCEE

1 eggplant (1pound), cut into 1 inch pieces
1/4 cup olive oil
3 cloves garlic, lightly crushed and peeled, but left whole
1/2 tsp oregano
2 tsp lemon juice
1/8 tsp cayenne pepper
1 good sized tomato, peeled, seeded, and chopped, or about a cup of canned peeled chopped tomato
3 tablespoons parmesan cheese

soak the eggplant pieces in 5 cups of water with a tablespoon of salt dissolved in the water for 40 minutes. It helps to put a plate or bowl on top of the eggplant to keep it submerged. Drain eggplant and pat dry on a clean kitchen towel

Put the oil in a large frying pan or wok on high heat. When hot, put in the garlic and eggplant pieces. Turn the heat down to medium-high. Stir and fry until the eggplant pieces are lightly browned all over, about 5 minutes. Put in 1/2 tsp salt plus the other spices. Stir to mix, then add 1/2 cup water. Cover and turn the heat down to low. Let it cook for about 10 minutes, or until the eggplant is soft.

Uncover, add the tomato and some ground black pepper to taste and turn the heat back up to medium-high. Stir and fry for 1 or 2 minutes. Turn off the heat. Add the parmesan cheese. Toss, check for salt, and serve immediately. I love eating this over couscous. Serves 2 hungry people one meal, or one hungry person 2 meals!

This recipe is from outerspace because eggplant is my arch-nemesis. Over the years I tried to make eggplant dishes and they always turned out weird. I consider myself to be pretty accomplished in the kitchen, so eggplant must be the problem, because certainly it isn't ME! This was the first (and, well, only) successful recipe involving eggplant. I've made it more than once, I like it so much! It must be from outerspace...how else could my archnemesis be foiled?

4. Indian spicy mixed pickle and rice or indian spicy mixed pickle and bread (naan). This was dinner tonight...not that nutritious, I know, but well, sometimes I get in weird OUTERSPACEY food moods, and just want to get a little naan and pickle. so there. harumph.

5. popcorn. It is so good, it must be from outerspace. Not that weird microwaved kind, the kind you pop on your stove in a big pot with a little bit of oil. Add some salt and/or parmesan cheese on top, and hello salty goodness.

Ok, so maybe this isn't a blog about my life, but maybe it is. Maybe the food isn't from outerspace, and then again, maybe it is. I'm having a weird day, a draining bad boundary work day. A 'I can't believe I've been spending so much evening time on work stuff and I have a work meeting tomorrow night, and will be there until 9pm, and I am SO going to take Monday off next week' kind of day. maybe outerspace food is exactly what I need, where's the dehydrated icecream when you get the mood, anyway?

update on my life

So it has been over a month since I've blogged and so much has gone on. I don't have email access outside of work, so my emailing and blogging have become incredibly irregular.

My divorce papers were filed with the Boulder County courts last Friday. The divorce will be finalized in mid-January, 2008. Michael and I had a really sweet evening together last Friday and then said good bye. He left on Saturday for parts unknown, with his truck and a few possessions that he has chosen to keep. Saying goodbye on Friday night was hard. It was sad. I've been crying a lot lately. I'm sad to say goodbye to someone who has been my friend and my partner for over a decade. And as sad as I am, I know it is the right thing for me. I know it is time for me to continue on my journey without him.

Mixed up in all this, I've started exploring a new relationship. Yes, I know, "what?!" Starting something new as my marriage ends wasn't what I had in mind when I left. And yet, my heart is called.

Things at work have been totally crazy. One of my staff is leaving next week, and we haven't even posted the ad for her job yet due to some complex bureaucratic stuff. So as she's been phasing out, I've been picking up duties that normally wouldn't be part of my daily work.

The house got rented last week, and we've sold several alpacas in the last month. Trying to sell the herd has been another source of work and emotion There has been a lot of phone calls, emails, and paperwork along with lots of crying as my babies are getting sold. Pocahontes was sold to some people in Kansas, but is still here because she was so close to her due date. Pokie delivered a healthy baby girl 2 weeks ago which was great, but she's not my girl and never will be. I've been up to the place where she's boarded twice to see the baby. Amcharo will be going to Kansas, too. Maya is going to be moving to south Denver. We've still got some left, but my kids are now spread out at 5 different ranches.

I've been sick twice in the last month, once out for a week with stomach flu and now I've got some yucky sniffles. I never get sick, so to get hit like this twice in a month is a clear signal that I need to slow down. Last weekend I slept most of the day Saturday and has a pretty mellow Sunday reading and watching the snow (yes, the first snow was Oct. 21!) It was really my first down time in over a month (see last blog). I just bought some yarn to start a new project this weekend, and I hope to have time to hang out with friends.

I seem to be at the edge of a lot lately...on the edge of physical exhaustion, on the edge of emotional exhaustion, and on the edge of severe hermitude. I'm sorry to my friends who keep reaching out and getting silence. I hope this will change in the next few days. I plan to catch up on email and phone calls, as long as my nose and throat let me.

So that is the update on my life, the exciting, painful, interesting stuff that has been going on for the last month. I hope to write more frequently than once a month, but right now, I can't make any promises.

what if the world ends, how will I tell the time?

I'm in a strange mood. A giddy, giggly mood. An anticipatory mood, waiting for the sky to get darker and the meteor shower to begin mood. A pester my roommate while he's trying to read mood. A bouncy abundance too many containers of fizzy liquid in my trunk mood.

This evening I went to a friend's birthday potluck picnic at a local park. I brought drinks and macaroni salad. When I say that I brought drinks, I should say that I brought a lot of drinks. When I was at the grocery store, they were having a Buy 2 get 2 free sale. So I got 8 2-liter bottles of various drinks (3 kinds of flavored fizzy water, 1 plain fizzy water, 2 root beers, 1 dr. pepper, and a ginger ale) and two bottles of berry lemonade. Is anyone thirsty? So at the picnic, we only opened one bottle of plain fizzy and one raspberry lemonade and made little fruity fizzy water drinks. I now have 7 unopened 2-liter bottles of fizzy liquid, one half-used fizzy bottle, an unopened strawberry lemonade, and a half-used raspberry lemonade. Um...what was I thinking?! I suppose I wasn't. I was thinking that I was thirsty, and it was really hot outside, and that there would be other hot, thirsty people wanting something nice and cool to drink, too.

Luckily, I have people coming over tomorrow night for our weekly dinner and movie night (K & J, don't bring drinks!)

ah, neurosis, what fun.

A friend's blog got me thinking about aspects of 'growing up' and how it is expected that magic and fantasy must disappear from our lives in order to be 'grown up'. Stupid cultural norms. Nobody wants to really give up magic. I had some good thoughts on this earlier, so I'm going to quote a piece of my comment on that blog

"Growing up doesn't mean realizing the magic isn't there...growing up can mean recognizing that a lot of magic is inside YOU, that you can create magic, that you can believe it, that you can choose to see it, that you can create it for others. ??Your own magic doesn't cease to exist because suddenly you're a grown up. Even in Peter Pan, grown ups could fly if they could get past their own mental blocks. AHA! I've stumbled on something here...I think a lot of 'grown ups' set up mental blocks around magic, they buy into some image of what a grown up should be...power suit and fancy title are the things to aspire to have, right? Crap, I went through a whole phase like, myself. I'm too big and grown up for (insert anything you like here)." ?

So here's to magic and silly giggly fizzy liquids. and by the way, we have no functioning clocks in the apartment now other than cell phone clocks. I hate being so dependent on that technology. What happens if there is a cell tower blackout? If the world ends, how will I tell the time?

layers of sad

ok, so I'm sad lady these days. sorry to bum you all out. I'm leaning into the sadness, really feeling it, and not numbing out or distracting myself.

My cousin-friend Paul is moving away at the end of July. My friend Chad is moving away in 2 weeks. I am getting divorced. so layers and layers of sad.

M's parents and our nephews arrive today. I know there will be awkwardness and sadness, but I'm looking forward to seeing those boys. They are 10 and 7, and I hope I get to play legos with them, but I probably won't get to.

So I am princess cries a lot and my picture is my dead cat and my song is a sad one. I'll come back out of the hole soon, I promise.

At least I finally finished the book that I had been reading that was all doom and gloom. Next I start the re-read of all the Harry Potter books in preparation for the new one coming out.

If you want cheering up, go read Aunt Purl. I love her photos of zukes.

to winter park and back

I went to Brooks and Lisa's Wedding this weekend up near Winter Park. So beautiful...the whole thing! I drove John up there and back (2 hours each way) and we caravaned with Dolly & Adam. We had lots of time in the car to contemplate on the nature of the world. Here's some highlights of the topics we touched on:

• amerigo vespucci--who was he? a map maker? an explorer? *
• relationships. lessons from the past.
• why I'm really, really sad that Chad is moving away
• the joy of beef jerky...mmm, salty. (no, I didn't have any, but I sure did sniff it!)
• how beautiful the wedding was. How happy we are for Lisa and Brooks (the Witters!)
• incubus
• the part of the reception where I cried and cried
• the history of the philly cheese steak and how long has cheez whiz really been around? **
• how cool Adam is, and how much we love Dolly.
• melty, melty reeces peanut butter cups (and how to eat them without glopping chocolate all over yourself and/or the car
• my upcoming trip to Boston
• the kinds of nintendo games I played when I was a kid (remember the Chip n' Dale Rescue Rangers game? oh, yes, I was a dork, too. But a dork with much younger siblings. My brother wanted me to beat that game. I think I did, too.)
• why would anyone name their hot sauce company "Captain Spongefoot"?! maybe becasue it is super, super funny. I crack up every time I say it.

*Amerigo Vespucci, explorer, was credited by a german mapmaker as the first one to "discover" the "new world" and thus the Americas were named.

**The philly cheese steak was created sometime in the 1930s. Cheez Whiz, a traditional topping on the cheese steak, was introduced around 1958. Looking into the history of Cheez Whiz lead me to some inadvertent information about Velveeta. This 'cheese food' has been marketed since 1923. There are some funfacts about Velveeta on these site:
http://www.monroecheesefestival.com/history.shtml
http://www.kraftfoods.com/Velveeta/Timeline

aunt purl is funnier than yellow me

If you want to laugh out loud, read today's Crazy Aunt Purl blog. She cracks me up. http://crazyauntpurl.com/

my adventures today can't compare to Purl.

I went to the indian market today just to get some chickpea flour (besan) and ended up leaving with besan PLUS samosas, mint chutney, a giant jar of mixed pickle, and soan papdi. I'm not planning to make indian food anytime soon...or at least, i wasn't. maybe now i will. maybe that will be the next game night dinner... we'll see. OOOH. then I can make cheese. :) YAY.

Tonight I made salsa for tomorrow. And I'm having an at-home all-natural 'spa' pamper time. I made a face mask with turmeric and besan, and then put on a layer of yogurt mixed with honey. I really don't know if this worked, but well, can't hurt, right. at least i'm not still yellow. I couldn't bring myself to take a picture of myself covered in deep yellow goo. Maybe next time...

i need to eat a snack, and i need to go to bed.

read aunt purl. she's much funnier than I am today. she really, really is. i'm serious. go read her now.

sticky liquid

so it is 1:30am, and I'm WIDE awake. I took a 2 hour nap today. I didn't mean to nap for that long, but it happened. So now, here i am randomly musing with random capitalIzation.

i had a conversation with john guy about the sticky liquid that the jarred cactus is in. I've got a jar of cactus (nopalitos) (yum) in the fridge, and he wanted to try one of my crazy favorites, eggs with nopales. I told him about the sticky liquid in the jar. that when i cook fresh cactus, the cactus naturally oozes sticky liquid, so not to be afraid of the sticky liquid in the jar. and then i realized that I like saying sticky liquid. fun words to say over and over. sticky liquid sticky liquid sticky liquid. ok. enough of that.

the power was out at work today, so i didn't work. no phone service because we've got digital phones. it reminded me of the time when there was a power out in the summer a few years back and nick b was a workstudy in tcp and came over to my office to hang out in the semi-dark with me. good times. miss you nick b!

and it keeps feeling like the weekend today since there was no work and i took a nap, but it is thursday. i've got a long, long day tomorrow at September School and i'm happy to do the prep work for the event, but not really excited about the schmooze part that i'll have to do once the event starts. 5-9pm is a long time to schmooze with highschoolers, their parents, and alumni. the good part is that dolly will be there the whole time, so we might get to talk a bit, but since we're both on the board of directors, we've really got to be chatting up the people there. blargh.

and my babygirl, Angel, is due any day now. i fell for her when she was a tiny baby herself, and bought her when she was 6 months old. she's my girl, my favorite. she isn't that cuddly, but god, i love her. and we may have to put her baby down after she delivers. and it is just tearing me apart. heartache upon heartache. 2 years ago her 1-month old baby died on my birthday. and now she might have caught a virus that if it was transmitted to her baby in utero could doom it to die. I'm terribly sad right now, and I can't stop thinking about her and her unborn baby. i should be at the house on baby watch like usual, and i'm not this year. sadness for lots of reasons.

so on to happier random thoughts. i decided today that i miss cooking. when i was at my best girl dol's place, she and her partner did most of the cooking, so i didn't do much at all there. so far in my new digs, i've cooked eggs with cactus and eggs with braising mix and garlic. and hot water for tea. what the hell have i been eating?! cheese. and bananas. and leftover pizza. and tomorrow, i've got a breakfast meeting, so i'll be out for that meal, and dinner is at the sep school event...so no cooking tomorrow. i got my cook's illustrated magazine in the mail and finally read it tonight. geez, i love that mag. i got a handy tip on why nonfat milk foams better than whole milk, and why you need to bring your eggs to room temperature for cakes. very useful stuff, right?! and there's an awesome recipe for a plum tart...looking forward to summer fruit so i can make it! plum is another funny word repeated over and over. plum plum plum plum

and this summer i want to teach myself dvorak. i told my workstudy about this a while ago that this would be a summer task. i was going to last summer, but somehow got too busy. uber, uber nerd. yup. and speaking of nerds, dorks, and geeks, i fit nicely in with nerds and geeks, but i'm not sure with dorks. does anyone fit in with dorks? is it possible? that's one to contemplate at 1:51am.

so i've gotten all the random stuff out of my head, and i think i can fall asleep now....
g'night.

love, indulgence, and integration

I love Fridays. Fridays I get to see my therapist, and I adore her. She's helped me make connections that I haven't quite been able to get to on my own; she's helped me articulate my experience by asking me to think about things in ways I normally wouldn't.

Friday I spent a lot of time talking about my upcoming road trip.

This road trip has been in the works since March, and has been symbolic of the start of the leg of my journey in life for a while. Last summer I wanted to take a solo road trip, and the plan got changed when I ended up traveling with my sisters. I had SO much fun with Courtney (Boulder to St. Louis) and Lindsey (St. Louis to Boulder) and wouldn't trade those experiences for anything, but I missed out on a chance to do something for just me, by myself.

I talked to her about how hard it was for me to be very clear that this trip was SOLO, and that no other people allowed for any part of this journey. It was hard to be selfish and do something just for me. She asked me to feel in my body what it is like to say that I want to do something for me. My heart is tight, pounding. I spoke of my head vs. heart dilemma. How my head says "being selfish is bad" even when my heart is saying "I want to take care of me. I need to take care of me." She asked me to put on the voice of my heart. Where is it, what is is saying? It is locked in a cage inside a dark closet, beating on the bars trying to get out. What is it asking for? What does it want? Adventure. It wants to dance. It wants to celebrate, and it wants to love.

Many of you have heard from me since last summer that I've been planning to shave my head. The head shaving has lots of meaning for me...doing something for ME without caring what anyone else thinks. The idea of shaving my head was an act of rebellion, of differentiation, of liberation, of selfishness. It is really interesting, but the desire to go bald has really loosened since I left the house. In march I formulated a secret plan to shave my head while I was on the road.

I spoke to my therapist about the head shaving. I spoke to her about my relationship with my hair. How I had taken 5+ years to grow it to my waist, how I cut it last summer, and how I only recently rediscovered how much I LOVE getting my haircut...how the ritual of having someone wash, cut, and style my hair is so amazing.

I spoke to my therapist about how I've been getting noticed lately. How people I've known for a long while but don't see often (certain friends, many people that I work with) have seen me recently and have told me how good I look. How I seem relaxed, more open, glowing. How people have been flirting with me, and how fun that is. How I'd forgotten how nice it is to be noticed.

Therapy this week brought up some very good points:
that I'm starting to remember and reconnect with more aspects of what it is like to be a feminine woman, and how does that fit in with shaving my head? I like my hair! I like playing with it and getting to get 2 hour haircuts. what it would be like for me to go on this trip and take time to pamper myself, to indulge (my therapist's special word for me) in things that are fun for me and have been missing from my life. could I be both a feminine woman and a strong, independent woman traveling alone? holy crap. I've been talking for a long time about trying to do both, to find the balance, to bring those two aspects together. I've never successfully done that before. I've got role models to look to, women who are amazing and strong and beautiful and soft and tough. I can do this. I don't need to shave my head to prove to myself or anyone else that I am strong. It might be a fine thing to do at some point later, but right now I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons.

I'm going to take my therapist's advice...it is time for me to indulge. She pointed out that the first word my heart-voice said was adventure. I'm going to get some spa time, some massage time, some lovely drinking tea time, some hiking time, some crazy roadside museum time, some hot springs time, some excellent meals time, some scifi geek time, some flirty fun time, some singing loudly in the car to music I like time, some book reading time, some mourning endings and celebrating new beginnings time, some just me time. It is time for me to find myself again, to get back in balance, to start the next part of my life journey not just with words, but with actions. I may be alone for a long time to come (or not) but I need to restart, reset, reclaim myself, so that I can start the next phase of my life well. I'm excited for the adventure to begin.

And Friday after therapy I spent some time researching things for my trip. I'm not going to reveal too much yet...I'm not going to plan too much yet (though I am trying to secure lodging since it will be memorial day weekend travel). It was so wonderful to get the idea in my head that I would indulge, and poof, I found all kinds of fun, quirky, luxurious places to choose from!

AND Friday after work I got to hang out with my Paulie. We drank dirty martinis and he introduced me to a new friend and we listened to music and then we walked the mall and went into an art gallery and laughed at silly jokes and went back to listen to more music and then went back to his place where we talked and laughed and watched tv and paused tv (he's got a fancy tivo) to talk and laugh and drink tequila (ok, I had 2 half-shots spread out over the evening, and that got me too tipsy to drive home) and watch more tv and talk more. I ended up crashing at Paul & Tanya's place which was just SO wonderful.

To continue with the theme of making good discoveries and re-connections here's my few summary thoughts on Friday night: 1. Goodness it has been way, WAY to long since I've gotten to spend that kind of quality time with my found cousin. I love that man, I do. 2. When I'm tipsy I like to send text messages. I really need to watch that impulse. At dinner Paul pulled out his phone and showed me a message I sent him in November (!) because he's been wondering why I would text him late at night asking him how much he could bench. My only guess was that I must have been tipsy at the time...I recognize that I do this. I know I've sent D a tipsy text with "I love you and I'm buzzed!" because I've got his reply text saved "i love you and I'm not buzzed"

so perhaps parting words for this long, long rant should be to you all who've made it though the post with "I love you (and me) and I'm not buzzed"

housekeeping updates

A few updates for the peanut gallery:

1. Thank you to all of you who called, texted, and in-person hugged in response to yesterday's freakout. I came out of my couples counseling appointment yesterday evening with 4 phone messages and a text! You peeps are awesome.

2. I'm sorry for not returning phone calls. My cell plan is a 300minute plan, and I've currently used 216 minutes, and have 2 weeks more before the cycle ends...I'm trying to get my butt over to the t-mobile store to upgrade to a higher minute plan, but haven't made it there yet, and their website seems to indicate plan changes won't go into effect until the next billing cycle! Let's hope I can cute my way out of this one.

3. I am almost officially a member of the Board of Directors for September High School, a small, independent school in Boulder. I've changed my stuff so it's all private now since there's a small chance that those highschoolers might care. I seriously doubt they'll even pay attention to who is on the board, but ya never know.

4. I'm going on a solo road trip starting Wednesday next week. I'll be driving to Killeen, TX to visit my Doug. I plan to return on Monday or Tuesday (May 28 or 29). I'll do my best to keep you all up to date with a travelblog, but there's no telling where I'll get access to wireless for my laptop or find a computer with an internet connection.

4.1. I am getting ready to road trip, so if anyone has any good tunes for the car for me to borrow on my new ipod, lemme know. I plan to load up the little gizmo for the trip!

6. I'm thinking of starting a new count (to replace the old "daily egg count") of how many times I can insert foot into mouth. Geez...when I get nervous, I get quiet, but when I try to not be quiet I say somewhat inappropriate things. I don't think repeating here the foot-in-mouth comments would be helpful, so perhaps I won't include the tally here either.

4.2. I'm also looking for suggestions on places to crash between Wichita, KS and Oklahoma City, OK. I'm planning to do some research this weekend, but if you have ideas of funky and/or inexpensive places, I'm open. I'm tempted to stay at my favorite B&B near Wichita, but would like to see something new...

4.3. I'm also looking for books on tape/cd, so any suggestions here are also appreciated. I've heard Pema Chodron is great to listen to, but I'm not sure if meditation tapes are good for driving...other ideas?!

10. because it is good to end on 10 when I'm sleepy.

trying not to be extraordinary dragon bait

just trying to be a regular girl
everyone around me sees something I don't
or sees something I want to deny
I don't want to be extraordinary
I just want to be like everyone else
I don't have superpowers, though I'd like to
I'm no hero, though I try to be every day
I don't kill vampires in dark alleyways
but I answer questions that come my way
my power is my knowledge
and my willingness to be human
that isn't so special.
I don't have pyramid power;
I'm no princess, I'm not dragon bait.
I'm still failing miserably at being normal,
I blush when they notice, I blush when they introduce me
as someone special
and I wish I could see what they see.
I'm just trying to be a normal girl, but maybe I don't know what that means.
Along the way I've forgotten myself and found myself and forgotten again.
I used to be so old...the 80 year old little girl.
Now I feel like a goofy teenager, giggling late into the night with my best girl.
Watching my impulses...recognize and relax...easier said than done!
Picking up the phone, hanging up the phone, picking it up, hanging it up
finally making the call when the timing is awkward, when I hope he doesn't pick up, but I hope he picks up. He picks up and a friend yells "jennie!" in the background.
how do I talk to my baby brother about what is going on
he's not a baby anymore, but a college graduate
I feel like a failure when I was supposed to be the one
setting the good example
acting like the shining star with the superstar trajectory
Maybe I am setting a good example
teaching him now as I did long ago
the lessons now are lessons of
how to be true to yourself, even when things are painful
instead of dictionary words and math flash cards and nintendo
he wants to move to LA to look for work
at least he'll be near my sisters
don't give up, don't settle for work that you aren't passionate about
don't settle for a life that isn't true to you.
Maybe this is what they see in me
the stubborn, unwillingness to fake my way through
my inability to be half-assed
my magic-loving, knowledge-seeking, playful, serious, human
me.

hips

walk in my new-ish jeans.

They are too long and too baggy and are only staying up

by barely hanging on to my hips.

My hips are made for birthing babies,

my AP Bio teacher once said as she had me stand

in front of the class in my junior year in high school.

She never commented on my breasts.

My hips were once a symbol of shame, and I wore

baggy pants to hide them, baggy shirts to hide my breasts

so that I could pass in a man's world.

I walked between the worlds of male and female

In my secret time I learned to dance

like a woman:

tribal dances, hip shaking dances,

with bells and coins attached to my hips to bring notice to them,

to break away from the shame.

I wrap my hips in denim.

I wrap my hips around my love.