heading to boston

I love having external reference points. I love keeping this blog as a way of tracking those reference points.

Tomorrow I leave for Boston to visit the BFF (ya know, best friend FOREVER). Last May, I went to Nashville for the BFF's graduation from medical school and blogged about my ritualized pre-travel freakout which includes cleaning, shopping, and running other errands that don't really need to happen right before I leave town when I have other things to do.

And, I realized that as I've been patting myself on the back for doing such a good job of NOT having a pre-travel freakout, I've been doing all the pre-travel freakout stuff. This morning, I went to the mall to return a pair of pants I bought a month ago. I could have waited 5 more days until after my trip to do this, but I didn't. And while I was at the mall, there was a sale at Victoria's Secret, and well, I need new underwear, right? and they only have a sale every 6 months, and well, I was able to get 3 bras for $50, when they normally cost $34 each! Ok, fine, I could have gone shopping with the BFF in Boston, but it felt like I needed to take care of this stuff NOW.

And I cleaned out almost all the stuff from the trunk of the car that has been sitting in there for months. And I started to organize my closet...sigh.

In some way, it is comforting to have this ritual, to have this thing that I can count on, an internal crazy clock that says "now it is time to clean and shop".

I'm looking forward to the trip, to seeing the BFF. I haven't seen her since last May, and we don't do a good job of staying in touch via phone or email between visits. But we've got that connection going back years and years that whenever we get together things just fall into place. She's doing her residency now at Mass General Hospital. Crazy to think that she's a PhD and MD and this was her dream going way, way back, and she's DOING IT. I just hope she's happy. I guess I'll find out :) I'm so excited to see her!

Boston could be interesting to explore, as I've only been there once before the spring break my junior year (or maybe senior year) in high school to check out Boston University. That trip was just me and Dad. It was the first time I felt like an adult. I was looking at college and my Dad wasn't treating me like a kid. We ate clam chowder, I drank coffee for the first time, I got a nosebleed on the T (public transit). I remember walking around on Harvard's campus and seeing some of the historical stuff in Boston, and thinking that there was a real chance that I could move to this old, American city and live there for several years. It will be interesting to go back and be in that city 12-13 years later.

countdown to crazytown

I'm approaching the final countdown to my departure for a week of retreat. This week I've been doing an excellent job of being really, really neurotic. There has been a whole week of pre-travel freakout going on. For other hilarious tales of pre-travel freakout, see related blogs.

It seems that when I travel, I return to my roots. I return to the my early socialization, the messages I received from early, early on: the world is a scary and dangerous place, and you better watch out because you never know when a TV might explode. The way this paranoia manifests in me is wanting to make sure everything is in order before I leave "just in case I don't come back". You know, in case I leave this mortal coil while traveling.

There's really no reason to think that going away for a weekend or a week is any more dangerous than my daily commute to work, and yet I have made lists and lists of things I want to do before I go: cleaning, purchasing things that I maybe might need (like batteries for that 3rd flashlight), ensuring I have twelve kinds of snacks (for a 2 hour drive), can I pay all the bills and mail all the things I need to mail, and get to my safe deposit box and take those clothes to the salvation army and plan the garden I'm going to dig, and make all those calls I want to make, and write my will and write love letters and write the story of my life all before I go away for a week?

And tonight I was able to let go for a few hours and read a book while I ate dinner, and kept on reading after I finished dinner. And ok, maybe I got obsessive and finished the book I was reading so that it would be one more thing I finished "just in case". Tonight I created an "in case of emergency" contact list. I don't expect that anything will happen to me ever, but well, better to have a short list of the important people in my life that don't necessarily have each others' contact information. I'm not distributing the list widely, because, really I don't need to freak out a lot of people by sending them my crazytown list for no really good reason.

And if something terrible were to befall me, I'm putting this out there for the world to know: I'm an organ donor, and I don't want to be in any prolonged vegetative state. Give away my useful bits & pieces (guts, etc) to others who might find them useful, and let me go. Don't bury me in a metal box--a plain old wood thing, preferably sustainably harvested. At this time, I don't have all the documents I keep promising Dad I'll get together...I really will someday soon do those more official "just in case" documents. In the meantime, this will have to do.

Sorry for being all melodramatic and nutty, but, well, you all know me, and this is what I do. It is my pre-travel freakout, countdown to crazytown (or maybe I'm already in crazytown!)

abundance and claustrophobia

I've been bouncing back and forth lately between abundance and claustrophobia. Having a lot of something can be wonderful, but if it crosses over into too much, I get all claustrophobic and tight. I think this is caused by feeling like I don't have enough time. I have lists of things that I want to do and need to do, and not enough time to do those things.

This weekend I had a list of people I wanted to call (friends and family), and I did talk to my parents, but that was it. No calls to my sibs or grandparents, not to my Paulie, Fern & Jeff, Jess, Brooks & Lisa or Jess or my EmilyG. I had a 15+ hour workday on Sunday...traveled up to Shambhala Mountain Center. It was nice to see students and staff. It was nice to have some space to talk to those people who matter to me, but I didn't get to talk to the people who matter most.

I had a mini-pretravel freakout on Sunday morning...frantically cleaning the kitchen, taking out half-full trash, running to the grocery to buy too many beverages and snacks for the road (a kombucha and a smoothie and a water bottle and two granola bars and wasabi peas?!), stopping at my office to grab office supplies, and all that before 9am on Sunday.

The line between abundance and claustrophobia is one I walk a lot. Having a lot to do, having too much to do and getting stuck because there are too many things and not enough time. Feeling paralyzed when there is too much. I've since gotten unstuck, but that stuck, claustrophobic feeling is so difficult.

go...to Nashville

My pre-travel freakout is nearly done. I am finally packed, and I have checked in online. I am traveling with one carry-on sized bag and a backpack with some snacks and travel documents and space for books.

I never did get to the mall to get new jeans or a new watch band or a new book. I am 50 pages from finishing my current book, so I won't bring it with...I am certain that I will purchase over-priced books at the airport bookstore, but c'est la vie.

I do not know if I will find time to blog from Nashville so farewell for now dear readers...see you on the flip side.

housekeeping updates

A few updates for the peanut gallery:

1. Thank you to all of you who called, texted, and in-person hugged in response to yesterday's freakout. I came out of my couples counseling appointment yesterday evening with 4 phone messages and a text! You peeps are awesome.

2. I'm sorry for not returning phone calls. My cell plan is a 300minute plan, and I've currently used 216 minutes, and have 2 weeks more before the cycle ends...I'm trying to get my butt over to the t-mobile store to upgrade to a higher minute plan, but haven't made it there yet, and their website seems to indicate plan changes won't go into effect until the next billing cycle! Let's hope I can cute my way out of this one.

3. I am almost officially a member of the Board of Directors for September High School, a small, independent school in Boulder. I've changed my stuff so it's all private now since there's a small chance that those highschoolers might care. I seriously doubt they'll even pay attention to who is on the board, but ya never know.

4. I'm going on a solo road trip starting Wednesday next week. I'll be driving to Killeen, TX to visit my Doug. I plan to return on Monday or Tuesday (May 28 or 29). I'll do my best to keep you all up to date with a travelblog, but there's no telling where I'll get access to wireless for my laptop or find a computer with an internet connection.

4.1. I am getting ready to road trip, so if anyone has any good tunes for the car for me to borrow on my new ipod, lemme know. I plan to load up the little gizmo for the trip!

6. I'm thinking of starting a new count (to replace the old "daily egg count") of how many times I can insert foot into mouth. Geez...when I get nervous, I get quiet, but when I try to not be quiet I say somewhat inappropriate things. I don't think repeating here the foot-in-mouth comments would be helpful, so perhaps I won't include the tally here either.

4.2. I'm also looking for suggestions on places to crash between Wichita, KS and Oklahoma City, OK. I'm planning to do some research this weekend, but if you have ideas of funky and/or inexpensive places, I'm open. I'm tempted to stay at my favorite B&B near Wichita, but would like to see something new...

4.3. I'm also looking for books on tape/cd, so any suggestions here are also appreciated. I've heard Pema Chodron is great to listen to, but I'm not sure if meditation tapes are good for driving...other ideas?!

10. because it is good to end on 10 when I'm sleepy.

$#%&!@%$#&%#@

so i'm in freakout swearing at self mode at the moment. Today I was back up at SMC setting up the next retreat and spent a good chunk of time talking to the staff about expectations. I have a whole speech about what is and is not appropriate behavior with students (sex with students bad, boundaries with students good) and realized that somewhere along the way last week my boundaries started to disintegrate with the soon-to-be graduating students.

When the hell did that happen?! When did i become creepy bad boundary lady? f'ing red room. OK, OK don't freak out. There was NO sex with students. There wasn't even anything remotely close to sex with students. But was I creepy bad boundary lady when a student said flirtatious thing and I blushed? What about when other student gave me a gazillion hugs (ok maybe 2) as he was waiting for the rest of his carpool peeps to get their stuff. or what about when I said "I love you" to student bringing warm chocolate chip cookies to me straight from the oven?! Well, I meant that I was happy about the cookies, right?! crap.

And then there was the one thing that I knew was over the line as soon as it happened and said so and then dismissed it. student picking me up to give me a hug. shit.

even the fact that I shared personal stories with some students is a problem, isn't it?! I mean I wrote (or at least recently edited and approved) the line in the manual that says dual relationships include sharing info with some and not all.... "...staff should take care not to enter into a relationship with a student in which the student is privileged to information about a staff member that is not available to all students....staff should be particularly mindful about speech." fuck.

insomnia

It is 1:30am, and I am awake. why am I an insomniac tonight? a few reasons:

-a 2-hour nap this afternoon

-michael is out of town (once again), and I usually have trouble sleeping when he's gone

-I was up until 1:30am yesterday, and didn't wake up until 8:30am, so my sleep cycle is off

-michael may have a job opportunity outside of Colorado, and there is a chance that he may apply and that we may leave and I am having a bit of a freakout about this.

5 eggs today.

roller coaster

crazy emotional roller coaster of a day and a half...

DOWN. I got a call last night that has put the Fear in me. One of our alpacas was at a ranch in the fall for breeding where it turns out another animal was being boarded that was just diagnosed as a PI (persistently infected) for BVDV (bovine viral diarrheal virus). These BVDV PI animals get infected in-utero when their mom is exposed to an animal with the virus. An animal that is determined to be PI must be "destroyed". So this means that we have a female who was breeding and became pregnant while she could have been exposed to this virus...which means there is a good chance she got the virus and so is pregnant with a PI baby...who will be tested the day it is born...and maybe will have to be "destroyed" within days of birth. To top it off, we have 2 other pregnant girls that we took to that ranch to "spit test" (pregnancy test)...so they've all had some exposure. I can't even begin to imagine having to lose 3 babies this year.

UP. have read 3 books in the last 24 hours...Prince Caspian, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, & The Silver Chair (all by CS Lewis) Yay for escapism via Narnia.

DOWN. Got a call today from my Dad that my grandma is back in the hospital. And it hs been 8 weeks, so my brother is heading home for his next treatment.

UP. DOWN. UP. was contacted by someone I haven't been in touch with for 9+ years...I was really happy and excited about hearing from them...then spent nearly an hour trying to figure out how to respond to part of one of the email exchanges...had a bit of a freakout around that...and then decided that if I had done something horrible in the past that time has erased from my memory, they probably wouldn't have initiated contact (i think)

DOWN. realized mid-blog that I left the water on in the garden (so it was on for 5 hours!)

UP. Started seriously planning a fun sleepover at my house with a few friends tomorrow night (yay!) that will include watching X-men 1 and 2 and eating junk food and I now know for sure that John and Lisa are both coming, and maybe Jess?

DOWN. It is nearly midnight, and I haven't talked to Michael today...I don't sleep well when he's gone, and I'm being quite the insomniac right now, and I'll probably be hurting in the AM...maybe I'll start another book

3 eggs today.