$#%&!@%$#&%#@

so i'm in freakout swearing at self mode at the moment. Today I was back up at SMC setting up the next retreat and spent a good chunk of time talking to the staff about expectations. I have a whole speech about what is and is not appropriate behavior with students (sex with students bad, boundaries with students good) and realized that somewhere along the way last week my boundaries started to disintegrate with the soon-to-be graduating students.

When the hell did that happen?! When did i become creepy bad boundary lady? f'ing red room. OK, OK don't freak out. There was NO sex with students. There wasn't even anything remotely close to sex with students. But was I creepy bad boundary lady when a student said flirtatious thing and I blushed? What about when other student gave me a gazillion hugs (ok maybe 2) as he was waiting for the rest of his carpool peeps to get their stuff. or what about when I said "I love you" to student bringing warm chocolate chip cookies to me straight from the oven?! Well, I meant that I was happy about the cookies, right?! crap.

And then there was the one thing that I knew was over the line as soon as it happened and said so and then dismissed it. student picking me up to give me a hug. shit.

even the fact that I shared personal stories with some students is a problem, isn't it?! I mean I wrote (or at least recently edited and approved) the line in the manual that says dual relationships include sharing info with some and not all.... "...staff should take care not to enter into a relationship with a student in which the student is privileged to information about a staff member that is not available to all students....staff should be particularly mindful about speech." fuck.