sometimes you need to smell like a man

Do you ever have those days where you know you're in for a rough one so you do everything you can to build yourself up? You wear the clothes that you know work for you, the boots that don't quit, you play the right kind of music in the car ride to work and at your desk (quietly playing Billy Idol can't hurt, right?) You get the juice blast for breakfast and avoid the caffeine all day. You even use your guy's deodorant because, as I said a little too loudly to my best girl in the hallway at work "sometimes you need to smell like a man".

And all these things that you're doing are all external. They don't change the way you really feel, they don't remove the jitterybug in your belly. The old masks don't work. The old ways of building walls seem ridiculous.

I'm tender and brokenhearted. The 3rd years are only a month away from graduation, and that class is dying. The ending is so much harder for me this year than any other. I can't believe how much I procrastinated getting their syllabi farewell packets together. Writing the letter "To the class of 2007" makes me ache. This ending, I know, is inevitable.

Layers of heartache and longing. Seeing students sitting in the suite and wanting to reach out and not knowing if I should. Can I keep it together for one month more? Sitting at my desk can be excruciating. Sitting out there with them is too. Lean into it and be brave? hide in my office and be cowardly? Being awkward and embarrassed for feeling like this. Love takes a warrior.

Wow. This post is not at all what I had planned. I've gone all goofy and swoony and done pretty much the opposite of what I had planned with all my armor. crud.

What I really planned on writing about was my Saturday. I had such a lovely saturday with my EmilyG. EmilyG is my...well, I don't quite know what to call her. She's like the piece of me that got replicated in the bardo and got born a few years later to some other parents in the midwest. The number of things about us that are the same are uncanny. She's a freak like me for pumpkins and has the same ideas about gardening and sustainable living and chickens and hapa peartinis and midwest life and city girl/country girl struggles and Ani(!) and well, I could go on and on.

So EmilyG and I got together for the first time since my birthday in July! We had lovely brunch at a place in Denver. I forgot how much I love being in the city. Our little urban cafe was quirky and fun and the food was great and the wait staff were all a bunch of queens (literally drag queens). So we had our lovely time dining and being envious of the fact that some men look better in womens clothes than most women (Oh to be that tall with those tiny hips...).

And we caught up each other on our lives and then went to the Denver Art Museum! Hooray for art museums. I love Boulder, but Boulder doesn't have the kind of deep and varied culture opportunities that I've been craving. We spent hours and hours at the art museum and she is even the kind of person (like me) that really looks at the pieces and reads the little notes about when things were made and who made them and where they came from. We spent a lovely time looking at modern art, modern native american pottery, and the place we spent the most time: the floor with the asian art. There was a whole section on Buddhist art, scupltures, and even a sand mandala. There was a lovely section on swords that got me thinking of a friend that is into swords. There was a museum staffer by the swords showing kids (and adults) how to handle the swords properly, bowing and turning the blade toward yourself. It got me misty for sure.

We saw only a small section of the museum, and I'm certainly going back! Wow, I'm tangenting again. perhaps this story is long enough. Time to crash out and read and knit! Whee!