car accident

I got into a car accident this morning. I'm FINE (physically) but still shaking (internally and externally). I was at a stop light with one car in front of me. Just sitting there. Stopped. And then my foot slipped, and the car rolled, and I bumped the car in front before I could hit the break again.

The light turned green, we drove to a place to pull over, and I got out of the car nervous and embarrased. His car had no damage. My car has a small indent in the front license plate. Once it was clear there was no damage, I got yelled at for a long time. It started with "How long have you been driving? How could you run into me at a stop light? What were you thinking? You're lucky there's no damage to my car." I apologized profusely. It was an accident, my foot slipped off the break, I tried to explain. He didn't seem to hear me. He thought that I was driving and didn't stop in time. I tried again to explain that I was stopped behind him for a while when my foot slipped. He went on to tell me how luck I was to have been behind him..."what if there wasn't a car in front and I didn't stop in time as I was approaching the light and hit someone pushing a stroller, or hit a child!" Of course, you're right. But, I was stopped, my foot slipped. It was an accident. I didn't do any of this on purpose. "You've ruined my day" he said. "What were you thinking? How hard is it to stop at a stop light?" I kept trying to apologize. I offered to exchange information if he thought it would be helpful, if he thought that there might be some damage. He told me I was lucky the trailer ball wasn't on the hitch, that he was on his way to go pick it up, and if it had been on, I really would have damaged my car. Yes, of course, I told him. I am so sorry. I started to cry and told him that my husband and I were ... and cried. Somehow my vulnerability stopped him. He said that I should be more careful and then, "listen, lady, maybe you should calm down before you get back in the car." He said that there was no damage, and he'd be on his way.

I'm totally rattled. I've been crying on and off all morning. I get to the point of tears, have a few sobs, and then shut it all down. Touch and go. Go and go. I can't go there, I can't stay tapped into that pain. I need to keep it together, I've got work to do today.

If you see me later, hugs will be appreciated.

head vs. heart

Oh, the glorious battle continues! Why is it that there has to be a battle of head vs. heart? They often want the same thing, right? I suppose the problem is when things get so out of balance.

Example #1, tonight I was being interviewed to become a member of the board of directors for a small independent high school in town. One of the questions was, "how and why did you change from teaching physics to working at Naropa?" I gave the logistical answer...I moved from california to boulder and found Naropa's website. But then I gave the answer that holds the core truth: I loved science, but I hated the culture of working in science. When I was in that world, I was all in my head. At my job at Naropa, I've found a balance between head and heart.

Example # 2: Today, I had an all-day retreat for a committee of all the people in the university who have the same job I do (administrative head for academic department). We had an in-service "training" for most of the retreat, and the main topic was contemplative administration. When the facilitator asked the group to talk about what their inspiration is for working at Naropa, I spoke about being able to bring all of myself to my work...that I need to be fully integrated in every part of my life, and working at Naropa allows me to be a real human being with emotions and thoughts, talents and weaknesses. I left science because I couldn't keep living only in my head. I couldn't keep living a disassociated existence. I couldn't keep trying to assimilate in a world that doesn't value heart or emotion or weakness.

I'm on a path of working every day to keep head and heart in balance. My mind races, and it jumps ahead to look at many different options, many possible parallel universes all created by making different choices. I notice my thoughts and impulses, consider how I feel about the thoughts and impulses, and make choices about whether or not to act on those thoughts and impulses. Sometimes I make good choices, sometimes not. The noticing is important. The space to consider and to feel how I really feel before I act is important.

trying not to be extraordinary dragon bait

just trying to be a regular girl
everyone around me sees something I don't
or sees something I want to deny
I don't want to be extraordinary
I just want to be like everyone else
I don't have superpowers, though I'd like to
I'm no hero, though I try to be every day
I don't kill vampires in dark alleyways
but I answer questions that come my way
my power is my knowledge
and my willingness to be human
that isn't so special.
I don't have pyramid power;
I'm no princess, I'm not dragon bait.
I'm still failing miserably at being normal,
I blush when they notice, I blush when they introduce me
as someone special
and I wish I could see what they see.
I'm just trying to be a normal girl, but maybe I don't know what that means.
Along the way I've forgotten myself and found myself and forgotten again.
I used to be so old...the 80 year old little girl.
Now I feel like a goofy teenager, giggling late into the night with my best girl.
Watching my impulses...recognize and relax...easier said than done!
Picking up the phone, hanging up the phone, picking it up, hanging it up
finally making the call when the timing is awkward, when I hope he doesn't pick up, but I hope he picks up. He picks up and a friend yells "jennie!" in the background.
how do I talk to my baby brother about what is going on
he's not a baby anymore, but a college graduate
I feel like a failure when I was supposed to be the one
setting the good example
acting like the shining star with the superstar trajectory
Maybe I am setting a good example
teaching him now as I did long ago
the lessons now are lessons of
how to be true to yourself, even when things are painful
instead of dictionary words and math flash cards and nintendo
he wants to move to LA to look for work
at least he'll be near my sisters
don't give up, don't settle for work that you aren't passionate about
don't settle for a life that isn't true to you.
Maybe this is what they see in me
the stubborn, unwillingness to fake my way through
my inability to be half-assed
my magic-loving, knowledge-seeking, playful, serious, human
me.

the slumber party continues

Thursday was a bit more mellow on the slumber party front. Dolly wasn't feeling too great after the stay up 'til the early hours. I went on a LOOONG walk with John. It was good to move my body and talk about the profound (how to be true to ourselves) and the silly (our appreciation of highlander, and role player games). I really do love that man...he's pretty amazing. When I got back, it was getting pretty dark and Dolly was watching one of our favorite trashy shows with medical interns with bad boundaries who have sex with inappropriate people. And since Dol's BF is gone, I'm in the bed with her! Yay for sharing the big bed with my big sis friend :)

It is funny how girls can share a bed and it is no big deal.

Hm. so Today I got a lot accomplished at work. I'm pretty pleased with this, since I've felt like such a slacker lately...it's been hard to concentrate at work with the emotional drama of my personal life layered on top of the sadness for the students graduating. Today I got a lot done on my list. It made me realize this will be one Long, Long Summer. I was in the office alone today and that is what summer usually looks like. BORING! I'm really going to miss the students and the activity of the school year. It will be nice to have a break, but I usually just need 2 weeks of quiet in the office before I start going stircrazy with the lack of students and faculty and university deadlines. we'll see...

It was good to have a relaxo evening with Dolly. We watched a movie (I even knit a bunch during the movie), we had tuna burgers and fries and salad for dinner, we went on a walk, we watched bad TV and did laundry. It was great to just chill.

Tomorrow is a big day...Graduation. I expect to cry a lot. Happy crying and sad crying. Sunday I'm going to a wedding, so probably more happy and sad crying. I'm excited for the weekend!

the slumber party begins

yay for staying up WAY too late with with my best girl Dol and talking and talking and talking and listening to music and talking.

"What's your biggest dream?" she asked me. Why don't I have an answer?

I want to love and be loved, I want to play, I want to use my brain for good (not evil), I want to not live a half-assed life. I want to fully engage in all that I do. I haven't been doing that lately. I want to go on retreat, I want to travel, I want to experience the richness of the world and also appreciate the mundane. I want to dance and dance and dance. Have I ever let myself really dream big, crazy, wild, fantasy dreams? My practical brain makes it hard...I have plans, lists, logic...these are my comfort zones. To really dream is to let go of the logic and let in the crazy wisdom.

Dolly's partner leaves town tomorrow, and it seems the crazy slumber party has begun a day early. I'm looking forward to some time with the two of us. I'm looking forward to time with Dolly and John tomorrow and Saturday! Yay! I know I need to go to sleep but I'm wired...not on any substances (unless you count water, second-hand smoke, and dog farts). hm. ok, must go sleeeeeep.

heroes and humans

Tonight I went to dinner and a movie with my johnguy. It was so good to see him and talk to him and be silly.

It was good to connect and talk about our similar goals of trying to live a more integrated, balanced, authentic life. To live a life in which we can share all of ourselves, to not hold back, to really connect. This is my struggle lately.

Does it take a hero to live that kind of life? Does it just take being human? Even heroes are humans and make mistakes, hurt others in their attempt to do good, get tempted by their shaddow sides, get self aggressive, and create suffering for themselves and others. But heroes are humans and love and laugh and forgive and and bring happiness and joy to themselves and others. Heroes are vulnerable and strong and fearful and courageous. We are drawn to heroes because of their superhuman ability to really be human, to live in the human realm, to feel even when it hurts.

I went to see Spiderman III tonight. I was looking for a good hero movie and had hoped to get caught up in an uplifted "hero saves the day" and "happily ever after" movie. The movie was not that, and I think it gave me a lesson I've been needing to remember...that each of us has the potential to be a hero and each of us has the potential to be human.

dead alpaca baby (dont read if you're squeamish)

Last night I stayed at the house in Longmont.

7am we went out to feed the animals together and discovered Maya was in labor over a month early. The amniotic sack was out, but hadn't ruptured. In a panick, I called the vet and our neighbor, Lynley. She said to rip open the sack and go in to try to deliver the baby...to try to save the baby.

I opened that fluid sack and went in up to my elbow. I could feel body parts and wasn't really sure what the hell I was touching. I could make out a knee and what I thought was the neck, but I couldn't get far enough in her to find the head. The baby wasn't moving. It was so warm inside her womb, but that baby didn't move at all. I was afraid. I was so afraid of hurting the baby, of hurting maya, of doing something to make the whole situation worse and afraid to do nothing and to make the whole situation worse. Our vet called back and said not to do anything more. Our neighbor called and said go back in there and see what you can feel...is the baby moving? No, the baby hadn't moved. I knew that baby wasn't alive. The part that I thought was a neck was long and curved and went back so far. It was so warm in there. So comforting and so frightening. What if I do the wrong thing and tear her uterus and then she bleeds to death. We'd lose Maya and the baby.

Lynley came over and checked maya too. She thought it was a breech birth. If it is a breech, she said, the baby could be fine. Michael and Lynley kept walking Maya around talking to her, telling her not to push. I stayed with her 6 year old daughter, Sierra, answering questions about what a placenta is, what a breech birth means, and why it is bad. Telling Sierra, that the baby might already be dead. How alpaca births and human births are not very different.

Our vet finally arrived. We walked Maya out of the corral and into the grassy back yard...it would be cleaner on the grass if he needed to do a c-section. He went in and felt the baby. It wasn't a breech. He described feeling the knee and the neck, just as I had felt it. He manipulated the baby for what felt like a long time and finally brought the head out. He checked to see if it was alive. It was not. He delivered the baby, and maya's vagina tore a little as the baby came out. Once the baby was out we checked. It was a boy. The umbilical cord had ruptured in utero. He was beautiful and he was dead. He was premature, but not so premature that he couldn't have survived if only he had been born alive.

We let Maya sniff her baby for a few minutes while Sierra and I hugged each other and cried. Eventually, our vet gave maya some anitbiotics and some oxytocin to stimulate the release of the placenta. I took Sierra over to the gate to look at the animals while the others bagged up the baby's body. at 8am, Lynley and Sierra left to get ready for school.

We talked to our vet for a little bit. His best guess was that somehow the umbilical cord got severed, probably happened when the baby was shifting into position. The umbilical cord severed, the baby died, and that triggered Maya to go into labor.

I'm usually so happy to see our vet. I usually call him our "hunky vet"...not many men look that good in overalls. But today I'm just sad. Sad to have had to call him, sad to see him, sad for maya, sad for michael, sad for sierra, sad for the dead baby, and sad for myself.

After our vet left, Michael went to the farm store to get a bottle of penicillin. I stayed outside to watch Maya and wait for the placenta to drop. At 10:00, she was still trying to get it out, so we gave her another shot of oxytocin. The placenta dropped at 10:15, and we burried it out in the north pasture. One more hole, one more burrial, one more ending.

We're walking around like zombies. We're awake and asleep. Trying to function and not doing it very well. We took the two almost 1-year old babies to another ranch after we were sure Maya was ok. Those two babies are going to an alpaca show in Denver this weekend, and the people at the other ranch are taking them down there for us. We told them we're leaving this business, and that if anyone is interested in either of our animals to make sure to say that they're for sale. You can't have a livestock business when you get so attached, I said. You need to have a level of detachment to think of the alpacas as "just livestock" not to love them and mourn them. You can't run a business when you sell off animals like they don't have feelings and they don't care. They clearly have feelings. They do care. They show their emotions and can be sad and worried and scared and happy and joyful. They play, they fight, they love each other and they hate each other. How can you buy and sell beings who aren't so different from you?

I'm a zombie and I don't know what to do. I need to go to work, but I don't know what I'll do there. I don't know what I'll do if I stay here either. Writing the story helps me. I'm not sure I want to talk about this just yet. I am pretty numb right now, but writing this has helped.