solo road trip day #1

warning: this blog is boring. sorry readers, but I'm tired and I'm pretty sure this is borning.

I had a busy, emotional day yesterday followed by a wonderful, grounding evening. I got to have dinner with a friend and had good food and really good conversation. I was a bit of a chatterbox, but I think that happens when I start telling stories. After dinner I went back to Dolly's and talked a lot more. I was so excited for my trip I woke up multiple times in the night thinking it was time to wake up! I had a really crazy dream in which I was trying to get to Shambhala Mountain Center, but the only way there was through a series of caves, and the caves were flooded (not to the ceiling, but with big lakes replacing the paths that I 'remembered'. I was pretty freaked out by the idea of abandoning the car and trying to swim across these flooding trails to get to SMC. I eventually did get in the water and crossed one part successfully. I was floating really well. Floating on my back, even. When I got to the other side I looked around the corner and saw there was another deep lake that needed to be crossed. I said, this is crazy, even if I do get across and get to smc, how will I get all the stuff back? I'm going to get all our stuff in the big red plastic boxes...that stuff won't float! Luckily there were others around who had experience with floods and when we decided to come back another time, the waters had all receded. weird, eh?

So on to the road trip.

I left Boulder this morning at 7:30 am with a plan to drive and drive and drive all the way to Roswell, NM. My hope was to arrive by 4pm so I could have an hour at the International UFO Museum & Research Center before they close at 5pm.

I had quite a lovely morning. The weather in Boulder was cool, and there wasn't much traffic in Denver. Things were pretty smooth sailing for the morning. I had good music: my ipod was set on shuffle, so I got a great mix of my tunes. It was so fun to get a Peter Gabriel song followed by Billy Idol followed by Death Cab for Cutie followed by ABBA followed by ZZ Top followed by Rickie Lee Jones (and on and on and on).

Since I was with just myself, I gave a big cheer when I reached the New Mexico border. Unfortunately, I didn't think to try to get a photo of the border sign. It really isn't that interesting, I suppose, so you can just imagine a big sign that says "welcome to New Mexico".

Hm. this really is a boring blog so far. Let's try to spice it up....oh, wait, I was in a car all day by myself...not too much exciting stuff to report. I stopped for food and fuel in Raton, NM, and had what I think will be the only fast food on this trip. McDonalds fries seemed like such a good idea at the time...yuk. There was a pretty nasty construction traffic on NM-84, with multiple long periods of being stopped in a line of cars waiting for a pilot car to lead us through the tangle, and I got seriously delayed.

I finally made it to Roswell after 9 hours and 560 miles. Sadly, even going straight to the UFO museum, I only got there 5 minutes before 5pm. They let me in for free and I jammed through the exhibits. No time to read captions on photos, just looking while walking past! I was surprised that the museum was more substantial than I would have thought. I zipped through to the gift shop before they shut down and got myself a new mug with the International UFO Museum logo on it! I think this is better than one with a cartoon alien face, don't you.

After the museum, I located my motel, checked in, unloaded a little, spent a little time laying on the bed reading blogs and checking weather forecasts for tomorrow before gathering myself up again to get some dinner. I ended up at a cute local place called "Nuthin' Fancy Cafe". I had black-eyed peas, cornbread, and fried okra for dinner while reading a Neil Gaiman book. Not as good as having company, but the food was tasty and filling, and I enjoyed having a little reading time today.

tomorrow I had hoped to go to Carlsbad Caverns, but I heard a rumor that there is a lot of construction on the road to Carlsbad, so I'm thinking about skipping it in favor of a better route. I figure I'll see how I feel in the morning and make a decision then.

I did take some photos today while driving (yes, it could be dangerous, but I only pulled out the camera when there were NO other cars around. I promise!) You can see today's photos at: http://picasaweb.google.com/1JennieSanchez

will update ya'll from somewhere in TX!

love, indulgence, and integration

I love Fridays. Fridays I get to see my therapist, and I adore her. She's helped me make connections that I haven't quite been able to get to on my own; she's helped me articulate my experience by asking me to think about things in ways I normally wouldn't.

Friday I spent a lot of time talking about my upcoming road trip.

This road trip has been in the works since March, and has been symbolic of the start of the leg of my journey in life for a while. Last summer I wanted to take a solo road trip, and the plan got changed when I ended up traveling with my sisters. I had SO much fun with Courtney (Boulder to St. Louis) and Lindsey (St. Louis to Boulder) and wouldn't trade those experiences for anything, but I missed out on a chance to do something for just me, by myself.

I talked to her about how hard it was for me to be very clear that this trip was SOLO, and that no other people allowed for any part of this journey. It was hard to be selfish and do something just for me. She asked me to feel in my body what it is like to say that I want to do something for me. My heart is tight, pounding. I spoke of my head vs. heart dilemma. How my head says "being selfish is bad" even when my heart is saying "I want to take care of me. I need to take care of me." She asked me to put on the voice of my heart. Where is it, what is is saying? It is locked in a cage inside a dark closet, beating on the bars trying to get out. What is it asking for? What does it want? Adventure. It wants to dance. It wants to celebrate, and it wants to love.

Many of you have heard from me since last summer that I've been planning to shave my head. The head shaving has lots of meaning for me...doing something for ME without caring what anyone else thinks. The idea of shaving my head was an act of rebellion, of differentiation, of liberation, of selfishness. It is really interesting, but the desire to go bald has really loosened since I left the house. In march I formulated a secret plan to shave my head while I was on the road.

I spoke to my therapist about the head shaving. I spoke to her about my relationship with my hair. How I had taken 5+ years to grow it to my waist, how I cut it last summer, and how I only recently rediscovered how much I LOVE getting my haircut...how the ritual of having someone wash, cut, and style my hair is so amazing.

I spoke to my therapist about how I've been getting noticed lately. How people I've known for a long while but don't see often (certain friends, many people that I work with) have seen me recently and have told me how good I look. How I seem relaxed, more open, glowing. How people have been flirting with me, and how fun that is. How I'd forgotten how nice it is to be noticed.

Therapy this week brought up some very good points:
that I'm starting to remember and reconnect with more aspects of what it is like to be a feminine woman, and how does that fit in with shaving my head? I like my hair! I like playing with it and getting to get 2 hour haircuts. what it would be like for me to go on this trip and take time to pamper myself, to indulge (my therapist's special word for me) in things that are fun for me and have been missing from my life. could I be both a feminine woman and a strong, independent woman traveling alone? holy crap. I've been talking for a long time about trying to do both, to find the balance, to bring those two aspects together. I've never successfully done that before. I've got role models to look to, women who are amazing and strong and beautiful and soft and tough. I can do this. I don't need to shave my head to prove to myself or anyone else that I am strong. It might be a fine thing to do at some point later, but right now I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons.

I'm going to take my therapist's advice...it is time for me to indulge. She pointed out that the first word my heart-voice said was adventure. I'm going to get some spa time, some massage time, some lovely drinking tea time, some hiking time, some crazy roadside museum time, some hot springs time, some excellent meals time, some scifi geek time, some flirty fun time, some singing loudly in the car to music I like time, some book reading time, some mourning endings and celebrating new beginnings time, some just me time. It is time for me to find myself again, to get back in balance, to start the next part of my life journey not just with words, but with actions. I may be alone for a long time to come (or not) but I need to restart, reset, reclaim myself, so that I can start the next phase of my life well. I'm excited for the adventure to begin.

And Friday after therapy I spent some time researching things for my trip. I'm not going to reveal too much yet...I'm not going to plan too much yet (though I am trying to secure lodging since it will be memorial day weekend travel). It was so wonderful to get the idea in my head that I would indulge, and poof, I found all kinds of fun, quirky, luxurious places to choose from!

AND Friday after work I got to hang out with my Paulie. We drank dirty martinis and he introduced me to a new friend and we listened to music and then we walked the mall and went into an art gallery and laughed at silly jokes and went back to listen to more music and then went back to his place where we talked and laughed and watched tv and paused tv (he's got a fancy tivo) to talk and laugh and drink tequila (ok, I had 2 half-shots spread out over the evening, and that got me too tipsy to drive home) and watch more tv and talk more. I ended up crashing at Paul & Tanya's place which was just SO wonderful.

To continue with the theme of making good discoveries and re-connections here's my few summary thoughts on Friday night: 1. Goodness it has been way, WAY to long since I've gotten to spend that kind of quality time with my found cousin. I love that man, I do. 2. When I'm tipsy I like to send text messages. I really need to watch that impulse. At dinner Paul pulled out his phone and showed me a message I sent him in November (!) because he's been wondering why I would text him late at night asking him how much he could bench. My only guess was that I must have been tipsy at the time...I recognize that I do this. I know I've sent D a tipsy text with "I love you and I'm buzzed!" because I've got his reply text saved "i love you and I'm not buzzed"

so perhaps parting words for this long, long rant should be to you all who've made it though the post with "I love you (and me) and I'm not buzzed"

housekeeping updates

A few updates for the peanut gallery:

1. Thank you to all of you who called, texted, and in-person hugged in response to yesterday's freakout. I came out of my couples counseling appointment yesterday evening with 4 phone messages and a text! You peeps are awesome.

2. I'm sorry for not returning phone calls. My cell plan is a 300minute plan, and I've currently used 216 minutes, and have 2 weeks more before the cycle ends...I'm trying to get my butt over to the t-mobile store to upgrade to a higher minute plan, but haven't made it there yet, and their website seems to indicate plan changes won't go into effect until the next billing cycle! Let's hope I can cute my way out of this one.

3. I am almost officially a member of the Board of Directors for September High School, a small, independent school in Boulder. I've changed my stuff so it's all private now since there's a small chance that those highschoolers might care. I seriously doubt they'll even pay attention to who is on the board, but ya never know.

4. I'm going on a solo road trip starting Wednesday next week. I'll be driving to Killeen, TX to visit my Doug. I plan to return on Monday or Tuesday (May 28 or 29). I'll do my best to keep you all up to date with a travelblog, but there's no telling where I'll get access to wireless for my laptop or find a computer with an internet connection.

4.1. I am getting ready to road trip, so if anyone has any good tunes for the car for me to borrow on my new ipod, lemme know. I plan to load up the little gizmo for the trip!

6. I'm thinking of starting a new count (to replace the old "daily egg count") of how many times I can insert foot into mouth. Geez...when I get nervous, I get quiet, but when I try to not be quiet I say somewhat inappropriate things. I don't think repeating here the foot-in-mouth comments would be helpful, so perhaps I won't include the tally here either.

4.2. I'm also looking for suggestions on places to crash between Wichita, KS and Oklahoma City, OK. I'm planning to do some research this weekend, but if you have ideas of funky and/or inexpensive places, I'm open. I'm tempted to stay at my favorite B&B near Wichita, but would like to see something new...

4.3. I'm also looking for books on tape/cd, so any suggestions here are also appreciated. I've heard Pema Chodron is great to listen to, but I'm not sure if meditation tapes are good for driving...other ideas?!

10. because it is good to end on 10 when I'm sleepy.

car accident

I got into a car accident this morning. I'm FINE (physically) but still shaking (internally and externally). I was at a stop light with one car in front of me. Just sitting there. Stopped. And then my foot slipped, and the car rolled, and I bumped the car in front before I could hit the break again.

The light turned green, we drove to a place to pull over, and I got out of the car nervous and embarrased. His car had no damage. My car has a small indent in the front license plate. Once it was clear there was no damage, I got yelled at for a long time. It started with "How long have you been driving? How could you run into me at a stop light? What were you thinking? You're lucky there's no damage to my car." I apologized profusely. It was an accident, my foot slipped off the break, I tried to explain. He didn't seem to hear me. He thought that I was driving and didn't stop in time. I tried again to explain that I was stopped behind him for a while when my foot slipped. He went on to tell me how luck I was to have been behind him..."what if there wasn't a car in front and I didn't stop in time as I was approaching the light and hit someone pushing a stroller, or hit a child!" Of course, you're right. But, I was stopped, my foot slipped. It was an accident. I didn't do any of this on purpose. "You've ruined my day" he said. "What were you thinking? How hard is it to stop at a stop light?" I kept trying to apologize. I offered to exchange information if he thought it would be helpful, if he thought that there might be some damage. He told me I was lucky the trailer ball wasn't on the hitch, that he was on his way to go pick it up, and if it had been on, I really would have damaged my car. Yes, of course, I told him. I am so sorry. I started to cry and told him that my husband and I were ... and cried. Somehow my vulnerability stopped him. He said that I should be more careful and then, "listen, lady, maybe you should calm down before you get back in the car." He said that there was no damage, and he'd be on his way.

I'm totally rattled. I've been crying on and off all morning. I get to the point of tears, have a few sobs, and then shut it all down. Touch and go. Go and go. I can't go there, I can't stay tapped into that pain. I need to keep it together, I've got work to do today.

If you see me later, hugs will be appreciated.

head vs. heart

Oh, the glorious battle continues! Why is it that there has to be a battle of head vs. heart? They often want the same thing, right? I suppose the problem is when things get so out of balance.

Example #1, tonight I was being interviewed to become a member of the board of directors for a small independent high school in town. One of the questions was, "how and why did you change from teaching physics to working at Naropa?" I gave the logistical answer...I moved from california to boulder and found Naropa's website. But then I gave the answer that holds the core truth: I loved science, but I hated the culture of working in science. When I was in that world, I was all in my head. At my job at Naropa, I've found a balance between head and heart.

Example # 2: Today, I had an all-day retreat for a committee of all the people in the university who have the same job I do (administrative head for academic department). We had an in-service "training" for most of the retreat, and the main topic was contemplative administration. When the facilitator asked the group to talk about what their inspiration is for working at Naropa, I spoke about being able to bring all of myself to my work...that I need to be fully integrated in every part of my life, and working at Naropa allows me to be a real human being with emotions and thoughts, talents and weaknesses. I left science because I couldn't keep living only in my head. I couldn't keep living a disassociated existence. I couldn't keep trying to assimilate in a world that doesn't value heart or emotion or weakness.

I'm on a path of working every day to keep head and heart in balance. My mind races, and it jumps ahead to look at many different options, many possible parallel universes all created by making different choices. I notice my thoughts and impulses, consider how I feel about the thoughts and impulses, and make choices about whether or not to act on those thoughts and impulses. Sometimes I make good choices, sometimes not. The noticing is important. The space to consider and to feel how I really feel before I act is important.

trying not to be extraordinary dragon bait

just trying to be a regular girl
everyone around me sees something I don't
or sees something I want to deny
I don't want to be extraordinary
I just want to be like everyone else
I don't have superpowers, though I'd like to
I'm no hero, though I try to be every day
I don't kill vampires in dark alleyways
but I answer questions that come my way
my power is my knowledge
and my willingness to be human
that isn't so special.
I don't have pyramid power;
I'm no princess, I'm not dragon bait.
I'm still failing miserably at being normal,
I blush when they notice, I blush when they introduce me
as someone special
and I wish I could see what they see.
I'm just trying to be a normal girl, but maybe I don't know what that means.
Along the way I've forgotten myself and found myself and forgotten again.
I used to be so old...the 80 year old little girl.
Now I feel like a goofy teenager, giggling late into the night with my best girl.
Watching my impulses...recognize and relax...easier said than done!
Picking up the phone, hanging up the phone, picking it up, hanging it up
finally making the call when the timing is awkward, when I hope he doesn't pick up, but I hope he picks up. He picks up and a friend yells "jennie!" in the background.
how do I talk to my baby brother about what is going on
he's not a baby anymore, but a college graduate
I feel like a failure when I was supposed to be the one
setting the good example
acting like the shining star with the superstar trajectory
Maybe I am setting a good example
teaching him now as I did long ago
the lessons now are lessons of
how to be true to yourself, even when things are painful
instead of dictionary words and math flash cards and nintendo
he wants to move to LA to look for work
at least he'll be near my sisters
don't give up, don't settle for work that you aren't passionate about
don't settle for a life that isn't true to you.
Maybe this is what they see in me
the stubborn, unwillingness to fake my way through
my inability to be half-assed
my magic-loving, knowledge-seeking, playful, serious, human
me.

the slumber party continues

Thursday was a bit more mellow on the slumber party front. Dolly wasn't feeling too great after the stay up 'til the early hours. I went on a LOOONG walk with John. It was good to move my body and talk about the profound (how to be true to ourselves) and the silly (our appreciation of highlander, and role player games). I really do love that man...he's pretty amazing. When I got back, it was getting pretty dark and Dolly was watching one of our favorite trashy shows with medical interns with bad boundaries who have sex with inappropriate people. And since Dol's BF is gone, I'm in the bed with her! Yay for sharing the big bed with my big sis friend :)

It is funny how girls can share a bed and it is no big deal.

Hm. so Today I got a lot accomplished at work. I'm pretty pleased with this, since I've felt like such a slacker lately...it's been hard to concentrate at work with the emotional drama of my personal life layered on top of the sadness for the students graduating. Today I got a lot done on my list. It made me realize this will be one Long, Long Summer. I was in the office alone today and that is what summer usually looks like. BORING! I'm really going to miss the students and the activity of the school year. It will be nice to have a break, but I usually just need 2 weeks of quiet in the office before I start going stircrazy with the lack of students and faculty and university deadlines. we'll see...

It was good to have a relaxo evening with Dolly. We watched a movie (I even knit a bunch during the movie), we had tuna burgers and fries and salad for dinner, we went on a walk, we watched bad TV and did laundry. It was great to just chill.

Tomorrow is a big day...Graduation. I expect to cry a lot. Happy crying and sad crying. Sunday I'm going to a wedding, so probably more happy and sad crying. I'm excited for the weekend!