new blog

My life is, once again, in a groundless state. I'm listening to Anais Mitchell and drinking a lot of tea. I'm starting a new blog, jenniehyatt.blogspot.com check me out.

Your Fonder Heart (Anais Mitchell)
come out, come on, come outside
don’t you hide your handsome face from me
I want to see you half-lit in the half-light
laughing with the whites of your dark eyes
shining
darkly

way over yonder I’m waiting and wondering
wither your fonder heart lies

come out, the streets are breathing
heaving green to red to green
come with your nicotine and wine
tambourine keeping time
come and find me in the evening

way over yonder I’m waiting and wondering
wither your fonder heart lies
way over yonder I’m waiting and wondering
whether your fonder heart lies

come out, come inspired
you will not come to harm
if I cannot take you for a liar or a lover
I’ll take you for my brother in arms

way over yonder I’m waiting and wondering
wither you fonder heart lies
way over yonder I’m waiting and wondering
whether your fonder heart lies

Home from Retreat

I'm home from retreat. I'm back. My body is back, my mind is still in swirly wanderland.

I really like being on retreat. I like meditating, I like ringing the big gong, I like staying up late giggling with my coworkers. I like having meals made for me, and the food was mostly great. A few too many hardboiled eggs for protein, and I'm clearly more addicted to kombucha to keep me ungassy, but well, so it goes.

Meditation retreat is such a precious gift. I can't believe I have a job where I get to go on retreat for a week once a year. A gift! It is so incredible seeing the students at the end of a 3 year graduate training program that is so much more than just training to work with others. Getting to see and hear students speaking their truth in so many ways was amazing, powerful, and inspiring.

There was a lot of pain this week--my knees are unhappy, my back is tight, my heart is aching. And I just want to be held. And right now I am alone. My best girl dol in her amazing thoughtfulness invited my roomie, Mr. Guy, over to play tonight, so they could hang out, and I could have some decompression time. I considered going over there to hang, but I'm not ready for lots of people yet. I'm unpacking, I'm decompressing, I'm reflecting and trying not to process too much.

When I got back to cell phone range, I found many messages from friends--I will call you tomorrow, as I'm not quite ready to make calls.

Sincerely yours,

The Outrageous Buddha Buzzard

countdown to crazytown

I'm approaching the final countdown to my departure for a week of retreat. This week I've been doing an excellent job of being really, really neurotic. There has been a whole week of pre-travel freakout going on. For other hilarious tales of pre-travel freakout, see related blogs.

It seems that when I travel, I return to my roots. I return to the my early socialization, the messages I received from early, early on: the world is a scary and dangerous place, and you better watch out because you never know when a TV might explode. The way this paranoia manifests in me is wanting to make sure everything is in order before I leave "just in case I don't come back". You know, in case I leave this mortal coil while traveling.

There's really no reason to think that going away for a weekend or a week is any more dangerous than my daily commute to work, and yet I have made lists and lists of things I want to do before I go: cleaning, purchasing things that I maybe might need (like batteries for that 3rd flashlight), ensuring I have twelve kinds of snacks (for a 2 hour drive), can I pay all the bills and mail all the things I need to mail, and get to my safe deposit box and take those clothes to the salvation army and plan the garden I'm going to dig, and make all those calls I want to make, and write my will and write love letters and write the story of my life all before I go away for a week?

And tonight I was able to let go for a few hours and read a book while I ate dinner, and kept on reading after I finished dinner. And ok, maybe I got obsessive and finished the book I was reading so that it would be one more thing I finished "just in case". Tonight I created an "in case of emergency" contact list. I don't expect that anything will happen to me ever, but well, better to have a short list of the important people in my life that don't necessarily have each others' contact information. I'm not distributing the list widely, because, really I don't need to freak out a lot of people by sending them my crazytown list for no really good reason.

And if something terrible were to befall me, I'm putting this out there for the world to know: I'm an organ donor, and I don't want to be in any prolonged vegetative state. Give away my useful bits & pieces (guts, etc) to others who might find them useful, and let me go. Don't bury me in a metal box--a plain old wood thing, preferably sustainably harvested. At this time, I don't have all the documents I keep promising Dad I'll get together...I really will someday soon do those more official "just in case" documents. In the meantime, this will have to do.

Sorry for being all melodramatic and nutty, but, well, you all know me, and this is what I do. It is my pre-travel freakout, countdown to crazytown (or maybe I'm already in crazytown!)

looking ahead

I'm doing a lot of looking ahead, planning, trying to wrangle some control over my life.

I had a delicious and crazy fun Saturday night with my best girl dol and other friends. I love that girl! I found out she has a dream to go to Paris for her upcoming big birthday in November, and I agreed on the spot to go with her. The last time I was in Paris (OK, the only time I've been to Paris) I was there for 12 hours, and saw all the major everything in a crazy rushed way. The idea of going back to Paris 10 years later...oh la la! And I woke up the morning with a word in my head "morocco". What If after the Paris birthday trip, I went to Morocco?

On the shorter travelbug news, I leave on Saturday for a week. I'll be going for the 4th year in a row to a week-long retreat at Shambhala Mountain Center. I'm feeling pretty neutral about it this year. I'm looking forward to being up at the land and spending time with the students, but it is always a lot of work, and I'm usually left feeling pretty exhausted at the end.

I'm curious to see how the next few weeks will go...I'm pretty booked for the next month with a lot of travel plans. I'm gone to SMC March 22-29, back for a week, then back to SMC for 2 days (April 6-7) to set up a retreat, then back for a week, then off to Texas April 12-14 for the Doug-n-Susie wedding-o-rama, then back for a few days, then a giant cooking fest for Passover on the 19th, then an all day work meeting on the 20th. Then likely going back to SMC that week or that following weekend to visit, then going to SMC one more time to take it all down on May 7. Seriously, my first completely un-scheduled weekend is May 3-4! I think that is good, because the following weekend is graduation! I forget every spring is like this. The difference this year is no baby watch...and that I will really miss :(

hard week

This has been a difficult week in lots of dimensions, personally and professionally. I had a hard time adjusting to springing forward an hour with the end (or is it beginning) of daylight savings time. My sleep cycle has been off this week, leaving me really tired. Both work and personal life have been very roller-coastery this week; a lot of ups and downs. I'm left today feeling "what am I doing with my life?!" I want to be of benefit to others, and yet I'm having a hard time seeing how I'm doing that in my job these days. There were some good things in my job this week, including some meetings that I thought would be depressing turning out to be good, but after several unexpected depressing (to me) meetings, I'm left feeling confused. I want to be happy, and I want people in my life to be happy. Yet I find that significant people in my life aren't feeling good, and I'm feeling pretty helpless. I have multiple people in my life that I haven't found time to call back and I'm really sad that I keep doing this.

Blah.

On another note, I've done a great job of spending less than my weekly budget this week, so I'm proud of me for that :) Those extra pennies are being saved up for things I want to do...including travel and therapy! :)

Pumpkin, Chickpea, and Banana Curry

Tonight I made a lovely curry. I got the recipe from theppk.com there were some things I modified and comments I have to add, so if you want the original recipe go to the post punk kitchen.

Pumpkin, Chickpea, & Banana curry
prep time: 20-25 minutes | cooking time: 30min-1 hour | makes 4-6 servings

Equipment:
large pot with lid

Ingredients
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 small onion, sliced
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 teaspoons grated fresh ginger
1 teaspoon ground coriander (I forgot to add this, and it was fine without)
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon ground turmeric
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 1/4 lbs pumpkin, peeled,seeded and cubed (about 2 ½ cups) (you can also use yams or sweet potato or other winter squash)
1 tablespoon hot curry paste (I used 1.5T thai green curry, and found it to be so spicy that I added a can of coconut milk after eating my first bowl)
2 ripe tomatoes, chopped (I substituted a 14oz can of diced tomatoes)
1 1/4 cups vegetable stock (I omitted and instead used the liquid from the can of chickpeas)
1 3/4 cups canned chick-peas, drained (see above, I drained, but used the liquid in lieu of veggie stock and used the whole can of chickpeas)
1 large banana, peeled, sliced 1" thick (could omit, could also use a plaintain)
optional:
1 tablespoon chopped cilantro or parsley (yay for cilantro!)
1/2 cup pine nuts, to garnish (I omitted)
1 can coconut milk

Directions
1. Heat 2 tbls. of the oil in a saucepan, add the onion, garlic, ginger and ground spices, and fry over a medium heat for 5-6 mins until the onion is lightly browned.
2. Add the can of tomatoes and liquid from the chickpeas to the onion mixture, and bring to the boil, simmering gently for 15 mins. (I'm not sure why this is 15 min...seems worth a try to reduce the time, or just bring to a boil and proceed to next step)
3. Add the pumpkin, curry paste, and chickpeas to the tomato sauce, cover and cook for 20 mins, or until the pumpkin is tender.
(At this time, if you are making rice, start that going!)
5. Five mins before the end of the cooking time, stir in the banana, and/or the coconut milk, if using.

Stir in the optional chopped cilantro or parsley, and sprinkle the pine nuts over the top.
Serve immediately. Eat served over rice, couscous, or just by its awesome curry self.


Note: the original recipe calls for mixing the curry paste directly with the pumpkin in a bowl, and then frying the curry paste coated pumpkin in a skillet--this was a disastrous idea, and I'm still trying to get the vaporized curry out of my lungs. I don't see any reason to torture self or others with curry vapor, thus my suggestion of adding un-fried pumpkin and curry paste directly to the tomato/onion mixture.

money

For the last week or so, I've been thinking a lot about money. Money is a resource that I have to use as I want, and I frequently forget that it is MY resource and MY CHOICE how to use that resource. I've been feeling tight and controlled by money issues lately, and maybe some of that is legit since there was that whole ugly snafu with the evil former leeches living in my house. But I still have choices.

I got a great idea from my girl dol who said that she categorizes all food expenses together (groceries, eating out, even those cups of coffee she buys). And all the food expenses together have a budget--here's how much I spend a week. If I eat out a lot, I have less for groceries. If I buy a lot of fancy high-end items at the grocery store, I have less for going to get coffee out.

I've used Quicken since I was a freshman in college, and I love it. It is a tool my Dad encouraged me to use. It is great, because it is a way of tracking expenses, it can make graphs and charts and pull summaries of data for you. Even with this amazing tool at my disposal, I am terrible at budgeting. I hate it. I hate trying to track a bazillion little categories of expenditures in my head as I spend money. So I don't do it, and spend money mindlessly. So I took a look at the last few months and was SHOCKED to find out how much money I've been spending on food every month. I knew it was going to be high, but not that much.

So all the various things I've been saying I can't afford to do, or the things that I want to save for, etc. I have the choice to continue to spend haphazardly on food, or become more aware, more awake and choose to do something different. So I'm choosing to do something different and give myself a guideline of an amount I'd like to try not to exceed each week. I decided that my week starts Saturday morning, and ends Friday night. This helps split up weekend going out, and fits along with the work-week, too.

This week I did ok, especially since I didn't do this money figuring until part-way through the week. I went a little over, but not by much, and I feel good about the choices I made.

I debated a lot about putting actual numbers in here, and I'm not afraid to share that if people are interested. I decided not to, as a way to not get caught up. The real learning here is about choice and putting my resources where my values are.

lessons I’m still learning

I've been pretty busy the last few weeks, but as of March 1, my house is again rented. We're getting less that I'd hope, but it is house only, and they have no livestock, so they can't screw up the pasture like the last 'tenants'. The security deposit check and the first months rent check were taken to the banks the funds resided in and turned into cash, and the cash was taken to my (and Michael's) bank and deposited! A neighbor is going to be leasing the pasture, so we don't have to worry about irrigating, burning and pulling ditches, etc.

New knowledge: there is not such thing as a bill larger than $100. Somehow my silly little brain thought $500 bills existed. I guess only in monopoly...

I'm a caretaker...I do things for others before I take care of me. This is a long, long, old pattern. This isn't new. And I do go through phases of being better about taking care of me first before taking care of others, and I go through phases where I'm terrible about taking care of me first.

Knowledge: old habits are hard to break! and they're MY habits, and I can't blame others when I'm unhappy with my own actions

Mistakes

This week was a week of making a lot of mistakes, and hopefully learning from them. Mistakes can come in many different ways, from forgetting to sign a form that will impact someone's pay to hurting a friend to drinking too much juice in too short a period of time. Each mistake has its consequence. 

It is said that "time heals all wound". Perhaps this is true. For the mistakes I made this week I hope that not too much time will pass for each of the wounds to heal. For each of the mistakes I made this week, I am able to look back and say "I should have known better; I could have prevented this outcome" and that is true. What is also true is that I have my blind spots, I am human, and I am not perfect. I hope that those people that I impact will forgive me, an I'm working to forgive myself. I also hope that I am able to remember the things I learned this week. 

giggly, goofy, giddy friends

I've had a goofy 24 hours, all thanks to my friends John and Jess. Miss Jessica came over yesterday evening and again today, and John, Jess, and I had a giddy, giggly, goofy time filling out surveys and reading personality reports about ourselves.

I got to learn all about what the computer thinks of my 'agreeableness', 'openness', 'emotional stability', 'conscientiousness', and 'extraversion'. Surprisingly, a lot of it feels on target. Some of it doesn't sound like me, but, well, it is a computer program telling me about me.

I feel the need to record some funny things that were said so I can remember them later and laugh and laugh again.

What three things am I most thankful for?
Yummy food, good friends, and warm socks.

And what am I most passionate about?
Cheese, cooking, and scifi.

I did some hardcore knitting today...this scarf is coming along nicely. I am learning that complicated patterns take a long, long time. This scarf I'm making is reversible (same pattern appears on both sides of the scarf, and has 5 cables (fat cable, skinny cable, fat cable, skinny cable, fat cable). Very complex, but oh, so lovely. I hope Lu will like it :)

angry rant

I am angry and I am sad. If you don't want to read an angry rant, just move on.

This morning I got a call from some people who saw the ad for my house to rent, and are interested in renting. When I spoke with the guy, he said it would be three men renting the house. We scheduled a time for later in the day to meet there so they could see it. I already had another family coming later in the day, so it felt good to get so much interest all at once. 

After I got off the phone, I started thinking. I thought about my house, how it is in a rural community where the houses aren't close together. I thought about how my body is perceived as small and weak, and that makes me vulnerable. I was thinking about what I should wear--baggy jeans and my baggy, thick hand-me-up sweatshirt were on the list. I thought about calling my neighbors to let them know I'd be at the house. How I was already planning out which pocket I'll have my whistle in, and which pocket my phone will be in. That I hadn't thought about any of this when I was going up to meet a family (husband, wife, and two young girls) popped into my mind. I thought that if I was a man, I wouldn't have to think about any of this, and I am angry. 

I am angry that I do have to think about these things. I am angry that I have friends that have been sexually assaulted. I am angry that I have to put on my extra-tough masks when I'm going to meet 3 men that I don't know. 

I am angry that my physical appearance puts me at risk. The fact is, I am strong, and a lot stronger than many people would guess. I am physically stronger than many women I know. I lived on a farm for a bunch of years, and now I go to the gym to maintain the strength that I hadn't even realized I gained. And even so, I am still a small woman, and so I am vulnerable. 

I am angry that in order to feel less vulnerable, I put on baggy clothes to hide my curves, I build up myself image and show off by talking about carrying hay bales and other physical feats. I keep everyone at a distance. 

I am angry that I get ignored and I don't get respect because of my small, female body. There is an angry, strong, beautiful, smart woman in this body who doesn't like being ignored. An angry woman who is fed up with all misogyny. 

Feminism ain't about equality; it's about reprieve. 

abundance and claustrophobia

I've been bouncing back and forth lately between abundance and claustrophobia. Having a lot of something can be wonderful, but if it crosses over into too much, I get all claustrophobic and tight. I think this is caused by feeling like I don't have enough time. I have lists of things that I want to do and need to do, and not enough time to do those things.

This weekend I had a list of people I wanted to call (friends and family), and I did talk to my parents, but that was it. No calls to my sibs or grandparents, not to my Paulie, Fern & Jeff, Jess, Brooks & Lisa or Jess or my EmilyG. I had a 15+ hour workday on Sunday...traveled up to Shambhala Mountain Center. It was nice to see students and staff. It was nice to have some space to talk to those people who matter to me, but I didn't get to talk to the people who matter most.

I had a mini-pretravel freakout on Sunday morning...frantically cleaning the kitchen, taking out half-full trash, running to the grocery to buy too many beverages and snacks for the road (a kombucha and a smoothie and a water bottle and two granola bars and wasabi peas?!), stopping at my office to grab office supplies, and all that before 9am on Sunday.

The line between abundance and claustrophobia is one I walk a lot. Having a lot to do, having too much to do and getting stuck because there are too many things and not enough time. Feeling paralyzed when there is too much. I've since gotten unstuck, but that stuck, claustrophobic feeling is so difficult.

A new old name

Hello, my name is Jennie Hyatt.

I learned this week that I am divorced. This is not a time of celebration, but a continuing in the process of mourning the end of my marriage. I love Michael. He is and was my friend. There were many aspects of our relationship that I appreciate. He is a kind and generous man, and he did his best to be a good husband and partner. I am very sad.

My name has legally returned to my maiden name, and it is strange. I haven't been Jennie Hyatt for seven and half years. I was Jennie Hyatt from the time I was born until I was 23. I remember who Jennie Hyatt was. I know who Jennie Sanchez was. I'm not sure who Jennie Hyatt now is.

Names are such strangely, important things. All this ego and identity attachment around a few syllables.

Jennie Hyatt is a woman who is divorced. Jennie Hyatt is a woman who remembers being asked if she was related to the hotel. She wasn't and she isn't, by the way. Jennie Hyatt is a woman who knits, slowly. Jennie Hyatt is a woman who loves cooking for herself, and really loves cooking for others. Jennie Hyatt loves listening to Ani DiFranco. Jennie Hyatt is a woman who doesn't have a plan for the future. She used to be a girl with big plans and a lot of ambition.

Jennie Hyatt is a woman who needs to practice saying her own name because she isn't used to it.

Jennie Hyatt is...me.

fantastical recipes from outerspace

fantastical recipes from outerspace?! Why, what a faboo idea. What I've been eating lately:

1. cheese sandwiches. How faboo can a cheese sammich be you ask? Uber-faboo, I reply. Jennie's current favorite cheese sandwich recipe FROM OuterSPAAACE (echos)

Take 2 slices good bread. Jennie is currently partial to Safeway O Organic brand seeds and grains bread. Spread one side of bread liberally with Annie's organic horseradish mustard, the other piece of bread is slathered in mayo. On the mustard side put on sliced, fresh mushrooms, thin slices of green onion, thin slices of red bell pepper, and a nice fat layer of Tilamook medium cheddar cheese followed by mayo-side of other piece of bread. Sliced pepperoncinis, radishes, and avocado are also quite faboo on this lovely lunchy sammich.

2. ginger and cardamom tea
in a pot add 2 inches of fresh ginger, peeled, and finely chopped
10 cardamom pods, smooshed
6 tablespoons brown sugar (don't worry, it dissolves, you'll never know how much sugar you are consuming)
4 cups water
bring all to a boil, let simmer 15-20 minutes. watch out, it's gingerific.

3. Stir-fried eggplants with tomato and parmesan cheese from OUTER SPAAAACCCEE

1 eggplant (1pound), cut into 1 inch pieces
1/4 cup olive oil
3 cloves garlic, lightly crushed and peeled, but left whole
1/2 tsp oregano
2 tsp lemon juice
1/8 tsp cayenne pepper
1 good sized tomato, peeled, seeded, and chopped, or about a cup of canned peeled chopped tomato
3 tablespoons parmesan cheese

soak the eggplant pieces in 5 cups of water with a tablespoon of salt dissolved in the water for 40 minutes. It helps to put a plate or bowl on top of the eggplant to keep it submerged. Drain eggplant and pat dry on a clean kitchen towel

Put the oil in a large frying pan or wok on high heat. When hot, put in the garlic and eggplant pieces. Turn the heat down to medium-high. Stir and fry until the eggplant pieces are lightly browned all over, about 5 minutes. Put in 1/2 tsp salt plus the other spices. Stir to mix, then add 1/2 cup water. Cover and turn the heat down to low. Let it cook for about 10 minutes, or until the eggplant is soft.

Uncover, add the tomato and some ground black pepper to taste and turn the heat back up to medium-high. Stir and fry for 1 or 2 minutes. Turn off the heat. Add the parmesan cheese. Toss, check for salt, and serve immediately. I love eating this over couscous. Serves 2 hungry people one meal, or one hungry person 2 meals!

This recipe is from outerspace because eggplant is my arch-nemesis. Over the years I tried to make eggplant dishes and they always turned out weird. I consider myself to be pretty accomplished in the kitchen, so eggplant must be the problem, because certainly it isn't ME! This was the first (and, well, only) successful recipe involving eggplant. I've made it more than once, I like it so much! It must be from outerspace...how else could my archnemesis be foiled?

4. Indian spicy mixed pickle and rice or indian spicy mixed pickle and bread (naan). This was dinner tonight...not that nutritious, I know, but well, sometimes I get in weird OUTERSPACEY food moods, and just want to get a little naan and pickle. so there. harumph.

5. popcorn. It is so good, it must be from outerspace. Not that weird microwaved kind, the kind you pop on your stove in a big pot with a little bit of oil. Add some salt and/or parmesan cheese on top, and hello salty goodness.

Ok, so maybe this isn't a blog about my life, but maybe it is. Maybe the food isn't from outerspace, and then again, maybe it is. I'm having a weird day, a draining bad boundary work day. A 'I can't believe I've been spending so much evening time on work stuff and I have a work meeting tomorrow night, and will be there until 9pm, and I am SO going to take Monday off next week' kind of day. maybe outerspace food is exactly what I need, where's the dehydrated icecream when you get the mood, anyway?

return to the blogosphere

After a very long hiatus, I am going to try to re-commit myself to blogging. The past months, I've been ignoring the blog. I've been 'too busy'. Well, duh, I'm always going to be busy! But I was carrying around a lot of emotional baggage, and doing a lot of putting-others ahead of me.

Some of the baggage I've let go of:
1. The lousy tenants were evicted on January 2! YAY! This was the biggest time-suck ever. The amount of physical time, emotional space, and mental energy this whole nightmare took up was incredible! So finally, after months of not paying anything, these people were removed from my house. I feel sad that they got themselves into a position where they couldn't pay rent, but I am pretty certain they moved in knowing they couldn't pay, and knowing they could work the system to stay there for a while rent-free.

2. The alpacas are all sold. All the alpacas that were for sale got sold. The bulk of the herd was sold to some wonderful people not too far away from where I live, and they picked up Maya, Angel, Kombucho, Amiya, and Samsara on Dec. 26. The check for Brinca (another giant time/mental/emotional-suck) was finally hand-delivered to me mid-day on December 31. I decided to keep Mr. Dash, and moved him to my neighbor Lynley's place on January 1.

3. Work boundaries. A new semester has started, and I find myself working crazy hours again. This has left me exhausted and a little burnt out. One of my employees left in November, and her replacement started the first week of January. In the interim, I was doing 2 jobs. I did get a teeny tiny stipend for this, but not nearly enough to compensate for what it did to me physically. I now have a full staff again, and I'm re-establishing boundaries around my time doing 'work'.

So here we are in 2008, time to take a look at goals and hopes for this year.. I know, I know, we've been in 2008 for nearly a month already! But, like I said, it has taken me a bit to work up to this point. My big goal for 2008: taking better care of ME.
What taking care of Jennie looks like:
1. regular exercise. For a little over a month, I've been pretty consistent about getting my big butt to the gym at 7am on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I am also going somewhat regularly on Saturday at 8:30am. So here I am, putting it in writing...taking care of Jennie means Jennie consistently exercise 3-4 days a week.

2. going to bed by 10 on school nights. This means I have to set better boundaries around staying up reading, knitting, watching Buffy, talking to friends, etc. Going to bed by 10 doesn't mean starting the getting ready for bed process at 10, but actually turning out the light at 10 or before. How else can I get to the gym by 7am and be well-rested?!

3. seeing/talking to my friends regularly. Ok people, here is Jennie's biggest self-aggressive place. I am bad at keeping in touch with the people I care about. Seems like a no-brainer, right? How hard is it to call the people I care about? Apparently, very hard. There are a bunch of people that I really want to see and talk to on a regular basis, and there is some internal obstacle that keeps me from doing this. I know I do this. So I am going to work on whatever my obstacle is, and just pick up the phone and call my friends!

4. Eat breakfast. Drink tea. Make smoothies and lassis. REGULARLY!
4a. For a long while, I was really great about eating breakfast. In the last month, I haven't been doing a good job of eating in the morning, and I've gotten that pukey feeling at the gym on multiple occasions. I need to eat breakfast. My body needs to eat breakfast.
4b. Drink tea...well, I do this every day. I've been a bad girl lately, and have started drinking more coffee. Jennie's body doesn't respond well to coffee--she knows it. Jennie just needs to drink more tea. Besides, yay for tea!
4c. Make smoothies and lassis regularly. Goodness are these yummy. And they pack in a bunch of good-for-me things like fruit and dairy. For an amazing dairy treat, make a rose or mango lassi: Put in a blender 1 cup plain (not vanilla) non-fat yogurt, 10 ice cubes, 1 Tablespoon sugar (yes, I know that is a lot), and either 1 shot glass of rose water or 1 cut up mango. Blend, drink, enjoy, smile!

5. knit knit knit. I do love the knitting. It is relaxing (except for sometimes when I'm starting a new project), and I can be crafty and make beautiful things. knit, jennie, knit.

Ok, I guess I could go on and on, but 5 seems like a good starting place. Being realistic about what I can do and what I can take on is a big part of self-care. Over extending and over-committing are not good for the Jennie. Perhaps referring to myself in the third person is also not good for the Jennie...oh well, it amuses Jennie to do so.

jury duty

I had jury duty this week. I have to admit, I was not on the super-excited end of the scale when I got the notice, but was also not of the mind to 'try to get out of it'.

The story goes like this...
There were about 50 people who had been called in. We all assembled in a big room and watched a video about how jury duty works in Colorado. Then we were all escorted to a courtroom where 25 of us were selected at random to sit in the jury box and in extra chairs lined up in front of the jury box. We were collectively asked a bunch of questions by the judge and people were dismissed and replacement people put in their seats. Next, we were each asked to answer a list of questions in front of everyone else (name, age, education, where/how employed, how long have we lived in Colorado/Boulder County, hobbies, what we watch on TV/listen to on the radio). Then the prosecutor and defense attorney took turns questioning each of us. Then they made their selections about who not to include by having a paper with our names shuttled back and forth between them. When the list of 13 was read, and my name was on the list. There were 13 of us, 12 plus one alternate. We didn't know who the alternate was, so we all were treated and acted equally. After jury selection, we were released for a lunch break and the trial began after lunch. We heard testimony and saw evidence for 3 days, and the case ended late morning on Thursday. We were told we were not allowed to discuss the case with each other or with anyone else to keep us from forming opinions or being influenced by anyone.

We found out who the alternate was right before we went into deliberations. We were in deliberations for several hours. Some of the counts we discussed for a very long time, and even sent a question back to the judge. I feel we really were starting with the belief of innocence until proven guilty. The whole process of trial by jury is so fascinating...that 12 strangers could be randomly brought together to try to fairly determine whether or not the prosecutor has adequately demonstrated beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant is guilty.

It was a very interesting experience, I learned a lot, and I feel really good about our judicial system after having been a part of it. I am really in love with this crazy country I live in. The defendant is innocent until proven guilty. The burden of proof is on the prosecution, and they must prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. A reasonable doubt is a doubt which would make a reasonable person to hesitate to act in matters of great importance. Wow. The system of trial by jury is really something to be proud about.

thanksgiving

I'm in St. Louis right now, visiting with the family for Thankgiving. I feel so lucky to be able to be home. I know, I know, "lucky" isn't a feeling. I left on Tuesday and drove Boulder to Lawrence, KS. I made really good time, only exiting the highway 10 minutes in Colby, KS for gas, and another 10 minutes in Salina for a peebreak. Total trip time, 8.25 hours. I stayed in Lawrence at a friend of a friend's house and drove with Steve (the friend of a friend) to St. Louis on Wednesday.

The first day back was challenging, but things have been really great the last few days. It has been so nice to see my parents, my grandparents, and my sibs. The last 2 nights I've stayed up WAY too late in snuggle puddles with my sibs watching dvds.

I ate WAY too much at the Thanksgiving dinner, but well, that doesn't seem too surprising. My contribution to the meal was an ugly, but tasty apple pie.

Yesterday, we went to my grandma Betty's gravesite for her headstone unveiling. I can't believe she's been gone 11 months.

Over the last 2 days, I taught my sister Courtney how to knit, and realized how far I've progressed on the knitting learning curve since I learned how in February. I see how she's getting stuck and struggling, and I remember why it took me months and months to complete my first scarf. Hats are SO much easier. I just started making a new scarf with a fancypants cable pattern with two cables on one side, three cables on the other with a seed stich border. This is by far the most complex thing I've ever attempted. There is a pattern that is 12-rows long before it repeats. I think this one might take a while. I'm making it from some gorgeous oatmeal colored wool, Cascade Yarns EcoWool #9008 .

So the drama story in brief: My house is currently being "rented". I put that in quotes because the people who are currently living in my house signed a contract and moved in over a month ago, but haven't actually paid anything. Yes, their security deposit check bounced, their October rent check bounced, and they didn't even bother writing a check for November rent. I'm working with my property management company to get them evicted, but it won't even go to court for another week.
sigh...

Another highlight was breakfast with Doug and Susie! Yay for seeing good friends! :)

Tomorrow I drive back from St. Louis to Boulder, approx. 13 hours and 870 miles.

excel geeks r us

This has been a crazy, emotional, interesting week. I don't want to go on and on about work, but well, there was some stuff going on there this week.

Monday I went up to the Longmont house to sell a piece of farm equipment. It was weird being on my property and not being able to go into the house (it is being rented). The new tenants have dogs and chickens and goats and a horse. It was so weird to see animals running around the yard that aren't mine. More letting go!

For my Tuesday story, I need to give some background. Part of my job is to create and maintain the instructional budget for the department. The instructional budgeting process begins about a year in advance of when it is needed. So I (and all the other people in my position at my university) are in the midst of budget creation for 2008-2009. We had heard from Academic Affairs that there would be a new budget creation process this year and that changes were coming. A few weeks ago, we had a presentation of the proposed new budget process. The meeting was helpful to hear about how the current process has been a beast for the folks in AA and they really need to simplify some stuff to make their work more managable. That seemed very reasonable. However, when it came down to actually looking at the proposed spreadsheet formats, there were a bunch of things that just didn't make sense to me...some things would be simplified for the folks in AA, but a lot more work would be put on the plates of the folks in the departments. I had some ideas about what could make things better, and met with the Dean to talk about what could be done. I found out that I know a lot more about Microsoft Excel that she did, and I ended up creating a bunch of new and exciting formulas and pivot tables and other fancy stuff to automatically grab data and put it in the summary format that AA needs. I got to geek out doing excel stuff for a few hours last week, and on Tuesday, she and I presented the new spreadsheets to the group of people who will actually be using the spreadsheets. I was shocked that people actually "ooh"ed and "aah"ed and applauded. I wasn't expecting that. All they have to do is cut and paste their data into the template and add data to one new column, and the template formulas do the rest. I'm pretty proud of myself, and pretty excited that I was able to create a new system/process that will benefit a bunch of people at my workplace by reducing workload. I got people talking about excel, and people are asking me to do some excel training. It was fun to do the excel geek thing, and fun to demonstrate how it works...a nice reminder that I do enjoy teaching. I hope that I do get an opportunity to teach others skills that will be useful to them. Ah, geekitude.

Wednesday was Halloween...one of my favorite nights of the year. YAY!

Thursday, I said goodbye to one of my staff. I'm really sad to see her go. I learned a lot from working with her. I learned a lot about myself and also about how I want to be. She has some amazing qualities that I would like to work on in myself. Sigh.

After work on Thursday, I drove up to my house in Longmont to talk to my un-responsive tenants. I will be very glad when that house is sold!

Yesterday, I went to say farewell to Pokie, her baby Sophi, and Amcharo. Today I said my last goodbye to them. I met up with the people from Kansas who have purchased them at the ranch where Amcharo was boarded. They had already gotten Pokie and Sophi. The hardest part was seeing Dash trying to follow Amcharo as he was being led away. I was glad to meet the Kansans...they seem like good people. They said that anytime I want an update on them or photos, or want to come visit, just to let them know. I feel better about saying goodbye knowing they are going to go someplace where they will be loved.

update on my life

So it has been over a month since I've blogged and so much has gone on. I don't have email access outside of work, so my emailing and blogging have become incredibly irregular.

My divorce papers were filed with the Boulder County courts last Friday. The divorce will be finalized in mid-January, 2008. Michael and I had a really sweet evening together last Friday and then said good bye. He left on Saturday for parts unknown, with his truck and a few possessions that he has chosen to keep. Saying goodbye on Friday night was hard. It was sad. I've been crying a lot lately. I'm sad to say goodbye to someone who has been my friend and my partner for over a decade. And as sad as I am, I know it is the right thing for me. I know it is time for me to continue on my journey without him.

Mixed up in all this, I've started exploring a new relationship. Yes, I know, "what?!" Starting something new as my marriage ends wasn't what I had in mind when I left. And yet, my heart is called.

Things at work have been totally crazy. One of my staff is leaving next week, and we haven't even posted the ad for her job yet due to some complex bureaucratic stuff. So as she's been phasing out, I've been picking up duties that normally wouldn't be part of my daily work.

The house got rented last week, and we've sold several alpacas in the last month. Trying to sell the herd has been another source of work and emotion There has been a lot of phone calls, emails, and paperwork along with lots of crying as my babies are getting sold. Pocahontes was sold to some people in Kansas, but is still here because she was so close to her due date. Pokie delivered a healthy baby girl 2 weeks ago which was great, but she's not my girl and never will be. I've been up to the place where she's boarded twice to see the baby. Amcharo will be going to Kansas, too. Maya is going to be moving to south Denver. We've still got some left, but my kids are now spread out at 5 different ranches.

I've been sick twice in the last month, once out for a week with stomach flu and now I've got some yucky sniffles. I never get sick, so to get hit like this twice in a month is a clear signal that I need to slow down. Last weekend I slept most of the day Saturday and has a pretty mellow Sunday reading and watching the snow (yes, the first snow was Oct. 21!) It was really my first down time in over a month (see last blog). I just bought some yarn to start a new project this weekend, and I hope to have time to hang out with friends.

I seem to be at the edge of a lot lately...on the edge of physical exhaustion, on the edge of emotional exhaustion, and on the edge of severe hermitude. I'm sorry to my friends who keep reaching out and getting silence. I hope this will change in the next few days. I plan to catch up on email and phone calls, as long as my nose and throat let me.

So that is the update on my life, the exciting, painful, interesting stuff that has been going on for the last month. I hope to write more frequently than once a month, but right now, I can't make any promises.

exhausted foodie

So, I'm still in pseudo hermity space, but I'm also living in exhausted land. I've been waking up before the sun and driving to Longmont to care for my critters while Michael is out of town. There's been stuff going on at work that has been an emotional drain, and lots of feelings of guilt and sadness. I've been so tired all the time lately.

Maybe it is my usual early fall mode. This seems familiar, the feeling of needing to nourish myself, recharge. The weather is changing, and it is making my eating out of whack...there is still lots of summery veggies coming every week: peppers, tomatoes, summer squash. And I want to make soups and cassaroles and roast things in the oven. I want bread--heavy crusty garlicy bread. And pasta. And beans. Bean soup with crusy bread and a nice salad. That is what I want.

I made the most fabulous food on monday. I made a "tomato tart": Puff pastry covered in grated parmesan cheese then baked until golden. While the crust is baking, the tomatoes are salted so they can extrude liquid. Once the crust is cooked and cooled, it is covered in shredded mozzarella cheese, then the tomatoes are "shingled" on top, then the tomatoes are brushed with garlic infused olive oil. Then the whole thing is baked. My goodness...this was amazing. It wasn't much work...the hardest part was slicing the roma tomatoes, and not eating the crust once it came out of the oven...flaky pastry covered in nutty, golden parmesan?! Heavenly.

I also made mac & cheese...2 kinds of mac & cheese. and this isn't from-a-box stuff, but the real deal. Make the sauce yourself mac & cheese. Which really, isn't hard. 1.5 Tablespoons butter and 1.5 Tablespoons flour in a pan heated up together on med-low heat until the butter is melted and done foaming. Mix well with a wisk or fork. Then add 1 cup milk while mixing. Let the milk start to get bubbly, but not boiling (you don't want the sauce to break). Once it is bubbly and thickened add in 1 cup (or more) shredded cheese. I love to use Tilamook cheddar or Tilamook pepper jack. The pepper jack mac & cheese is so amazing.

And salad is so lovely this time of year...the weather is cool so lettuce is back. And kale! And chard! and soon the beets will be out too. And the butternut squash. I can't wait to make butternut squash risotto again...yum!

Yesterday I had a snack at a lovely restaurant downtown. I had TOASTED RAVIOLI! For those of you not from the midwest, toasted ravioli is the best. Sadly, it is almost always meat-filled. So since I've gone meatless and have traveled back to the motherland, I've been unable to eat this age-old favorite. But I found wonderful ricotta toasted ravioli in downtown Boulder. Now, this is a pretty fancy, expensive version of toasted ravioli, but it was vegetarian. And for a once-in-a-while satisfaction of a food craving, well worth the price ($3 for two large pieces at happy hour).

Ooh, and last weekend, I made grape jelly. Yes I did. I made jelly! From concord grapes that came from the longmont garden. JELLY! me, I did it. I just need to make some biscuits now to eat my jelly with. mmm, biscuits and jelly. If I wasn't meatless, I'd be throwing some fried bologna on those jelly biscuits. Sigh.

Wow, I've been wiped out, and apparantly starving. I had no idea. See, I knew I needed to write. I think so much better when I'm writing. I'm back in touch with my foodie domestic diva inner goddess. And time to start knitting. Winter's a comin'!