so I'm back in Boulder!
Yesterday I completed the solo road trip by driving 435 miles from Santa Fe to Boulder in 6.75 hours. The day started with a lovely breakast at my B&B followed by a little reading in my room followed by a 1 hour massage. heaven. walking out of there, I was a little woozy, so I took myself to Trader Joe's (oh I miss my TJs) and got some snacks for later (yay for TJs brand of TastyBite, jasmine green tea, and papadum chips) and a kombucha from Pharmaca. I filled up the car (even though I could have gone another 250 miles without a refill) since I needed a little bit of time and space after the massage before getting on the highway.
I left at noon and drove and drove and drove through mountains and prairies and mountains again. The roads were once again eerily empty. I stopped after 4 hours for a snack at Cracker Barrel (fried okra, turnip greens, greenbeans and a big glass of milk)...I do love me some southern style greens. Back on the road, massive yucky construction rush hour traffic in Colorado Springs, but even with that delay I was parked at Dolly's by 6:40. I got home, nobody was there, so I showered the road grime off, called my parents, sent a hello text, and sat down for 2 minutes when Dolly and Adam came home. Dolly's first words to me were something like "oh my god, you're so clear! you're glowing!" crazy, eh?
The trip was amazing. I feel so...myself. I feel integrated and whole and connected and happy. I seriously need to do this more often than once in a lifetime. I'm not sure solitary retreats are for me, but solo road trips sure are.
so I'm back, I went to my therapist this morning and then I went to work. I tried really hard to do work and was pretty successful until mid-afternoon when the bordom kicked in. holy crap do I miss having the teachers and students around. I miss the activity and the challenge. I'm sure this is good for me...the gap of summer helps me appreciate the school year all the more. If I never had the gap, I'd probably eventually get burnt out and resentful and not enjoy the crazy, busy, full, rich worklife. So the gap of summer is good. I just wish it wasn't so freakin' long! ;) well, it gives me time to solo road trip and group road trip (i've got some maybes) and to travel to Boston in June to see the BFF and to have time connect with old and new friends. so maybe summer isn't so bad, afterall.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
solo road trip day #7: glowing smushpot of love
So it just keeps getting better. Today i slept in again (8am!), showered, and then had breakfast at my B&B. So delightful to have delicious food prepared for you. There was wonderful fruit salad, homemade granola, and freshly made vegetarian corn/squash/pepper/tomato tamales with really good avocado on top. Super yum. After breakfast I walked to the Georgia O'Keefe Museum and spent some time there learning about her life, her work, and enjoying her art.
After the O'Keefe museum, I wandered around downtown Santa Fe, stopping in several of the art galleries (there seem to be hundreds of art galleries). My favorites were one whose name I can't remember with local artists and the other was the Chuck Jones Gallery. Oh, if to only have thousands and thousands to spend on art...oh well, looking is free! I wandered along the river and came across some really beautiful, bizarre carved wooden saints (see photo album). I bought a few pieces of jewelry as gifts (though I'm tempted to keep for self). I had lunch at a lovely place with a covered patio so I could be outside without frying (I think I'm developing my summer arm-only tan). After lunch, I walked and walked and walked some more. I went to a great used bookstore that really reminded me of the creepy bookstore in Buffy. There was even a section on the "occult". I bought two books, one lovely compilation of Shakespeare (all his plays and poems in one volume) and a copy of "Verses from the Center" by Stephen Batchelor, a book that I had borrowed for months from someone at work that has a wonderful translation of Nagarjuna's "Mulamadhyamakakarika" (for those who care). I then returned to my room and lounged/read/relaxed for half an hour before going to my SPA treatment.
Well, I thought yesterday was luxurious and pampering and indulgent, and it was, but today's treatment was bliss.
It all began with a foot scrub while sipping Jamu tonic which was some sort of chilled, fruity, herbal infusion. After the foot bath, I had a 1-hour, hot jasmine oil massage. I think yesterday's adventure in nakedness was just preparing me for today. Sure I've had professional whole-body massages in the past, but it usually takes me a good part of the massage to get comfortable with my own naked body being touched by someone else even with the covering and draping. Anyway, I had no shame holding me back, and I was able to enjoy the whole hot oil massage experience.
After the massage, I was covered in warm towels for a few minutes while my massage therapist prepared the body scrub. Section by section, I got another layer of hot oil rubbed in, I was then sprinkled with a turmeric, sandalwood, and rice powder, after the paste was scrubbed in, that section was then slathered in a mixture of honey and yogurt and then covered back up as she repeated the process over the rest of my body. After I was covered head to toe, I had 10 minutes in a private steam shower where I got to sit in the steam and let my whole body mask soak in. While I was steaming, my massage therapist prepared my bath.
After the steam shut off, I showered, and then climbed into my giant, granite bath tub that was filled with lovely warm water and hundreds of rose petals. There was ginger tea and a small plate of fruit and chocolate on the edge of the tub. Divine. 30 minutes in the tub is a long time to sit and think and try to float. For me, trying to float doesn't work. I discovered that when I was able to really let go, to not think about it, I was floating. So interesting to notice my breath, to notice the thoughts coming and going.
Laying in a tub covered in rose petals...what a silly thing, what a wonderful thing. Laying in the tub, sipping ginger tea, with soothing music playing quietly, I thought about the word sensual. Sensual means experiencing through the senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell). This spa package certainly hit all the senses. I find it interesting how the mind can make connections to memories based on sensual experiences...the taste of ginger tea reminded me of my first Naropa Orientation party where a first year student made ginger tea. The little plate of fruit and chocolate reminded me of spending time with my ex-sister-inlaw in Hawaii. The bath got me thinking about my mother, wondering if she ever has treated herself to this kind of experience. How I learned from my mother to take care of everyone else in your life before you take care of yourself. How I want to take care of her, to treat her and pamper her while I still can. When my time was up in the tub, my massage therapist rang a little bell to let me know it was time to get dressed. Is it all over so soon? And yet it feels a lifetime.
My outer self is radiating. My inner self is radiating. I am soft, I am melting, I am a glowing smushpot of love.
After the O'Keefe museum, I wandered around downtown Santa Fe, stopping in several of the art galleries (there seem to be hundreds of art galleries). My favorites were one whose name I can't remember with local artists and the other was the Chuck Jones Gallery. Oh, if to only have thousands and thousands to spend on art...oh well, looking is free! I wandered along the river and came across some really beautiful, bizarre carved wooden saints (see photo album). I bought a few pieces of jewelry as gifts (though I'm tempted to keep for self). I had lunch at a lovely place with a covered patio so I could be outside without frying (I think I'm developing my summer arm-only tan). After lunch, I walked and walked and walked some more. I went to a great used bookstore that really reminded me of the creepy bookstore in Buffy. There was even a section on the "occult". I bought two books, one lovely compilation of Shakespeare (all his plays and poems in one volume) and a copy of "Verses from the Center" by Stephen Batchelor, a book that I had borrowed for months from someone at work that has a wonderful translation of Nagarjuna's "Mulamadhyamakakarika" (for those who care). I then returned to my room and lounged/read/relaxed for half an hour before going to my SPA treatment.
Well, I thought yesterday was luxurious and pampering and indulgent, and it was, but today's treatment was bliss.
It all began with a foot scrub while sipping Jamu tonic which was some sort of chilled, fruity, herbal infusion. After the foot bath, I had a 1-hour, hot jasmine oil massage. I think yesterday's adventure in nakedness was just preparing me for today. Sure I've had professional whole-body massages in the past, but it usually takes me a good part of the massage to get comfortable with my own naked body being touched by someone else even with the covering and draping. Anyway, I had no shame holding me back, and I was able to enjoy the whole hot oil massage experience.
After the massage, I was covered in warm towels for a few minutes while my massage therapist prepared the body scrub. Section by section, I got another layer of hot oil rubbed in, I was then sprinkled with a turmeric, sandalwood, and rice powder, after the paste was scrubbed in, that section was then slathered in a mixture of honey and yogurt and then covered back up as she repeated the process over the rest of my body. After I was covered head to toe, I had 10 minutes in a private steam shower where I got to sit in the steam and let my whole body mask soak in. While I was steaming, my massage therapist prepared my bath.
After the steam shut off, I showered, and then climbed into my giant, granite bath tub that was filled with lovely warm water and hundreds of rose petals. There was ginger tea and a small plate of fruit and chocolate on the edge of the tub. Divine. 30 minutes in the tub is a long time to sit and think and try to float. For me, trying to float doesn't work. I discovered that when I was able to really let go, to not think about it, I was floating. So interesting to notice my breath, to notice the thoughts coming and going.
Laying in a tub covered in rose petals...what a silly thing, what a wonderful thing. Laying in the tub, sipping ginger tea, with soothing music playing quietly, I thought about the word sensual. Sensual means experiencing through the senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell). This spa package certainly hit all the senses. I find it interesting how the mind can make connections to memories based on sensual experiences...the taste of ginger tea reminded me of my first Naropa Orientation party where a first year student made ginger tea. The little plate of fruit and chocolate reminded me of spending time with my ex-sister-inlaw in Hawaii. The bath got me thinking about my mother, wondering if she ever has treated herself to this kind of experience. How I learned from my mother to take care of everyone else in your life before you take care of yourself. How I want to take care of her, to treat her and pamper her while I still can. When my time was up in the tub, my massage therapist rang a little bell to let me know it was time to get dressed. Is it all over so soon? And yet it feels a lifetime.
My outer self is radiating. My inner self is radiating. I am soft, I am melting, I am a glowing smushpot of love.
Monday, May 28, 2007
solo road trip day #6: body body
What a wonderful, wonderful day! I woke up LATE, had a very late breakfast (almost lunch) at a cute local cafe in Albuquerque, and then drove toward where I thought the mountains were. Turns out I was wrong and headed toward the city. I realized that I was NOT interested in city stuff or museums today, and turned around and headed back east to the mountains. I had seen info on a scenic road through the mountains that would eventually lead to Santa Fe, so I hopped onto that road instead of getting on I-25. I am SO glad I did. I got to drive through the mountains, windows open, with Bruce Springstein serenading me (loudly)! Yay for scenic drives :)
I landed in Santa Fe and kept driving, feeling my way toward town. I eventually stopped in a parking lot to look up directions to my B&B only to discover that I was about 3 blocks away! My internal compass seemed to be working well today. I got to the B&B and checked in, got my stuff unloaded, had a little down time lounging on the super comfy bed, and then got myself back out on the road to a Japanese-style bath house just 20 minutes from my B&B.
Upon arrival, you are given a standard-issue kimono/robe, a locker key, and a brief tour of where to go. I opted for the "women's bath" which is a women's only section. I was really pushing my edges here since I'm generally freaked out by water and nakedness, and let me tell you, this place has an abundance of both. Well, I'm ok with other people's nakedness, and I'm ok with my own as long as nobody is around but me, but the idea of being naked in front of other people...well, there's a full-body blush. I don't even shower at the gym because I can't handle the being naked in front of other women part.
So getting to the tub took me a few stages. I had to start in the sauna in my kimono, then moved to a lounge chair in just a towel, then finally the full monty in the tub. After a few minutes in the hot water chatting with other great women, the whole being naked thing stopped being a big deal. Well it stayed a little deal, but was mostly fine :) I bounced between being in the hot tub, sitting on the edge of the tub with my feet in to cool down, getting back in to get really hot, then dashing to the cold plunge, getting so cold my feet started to spasm and then warming back up by sitting meditation in the sauna...all naked! I did this for over 2 HOURS. I have new-found comfort with my body. Sure I don't have a perfect body, but there sure wasn't anyone there that did. Everyone has flaws and scars and lumps and too much of some things and not enough of others. Right, being human doesn't mean being perfect. So I have a big butt and I don't have giant boobs. So what.
I didn't die of embarrassment, and I didn't drown (two things I was concerned about), and I would certainly go back another time. I'm not sure I'd be up for the "communal tub" that is mixed men & women...that's a whole other level of body stuff that I'm not ready to explore yet.
I am rested, I am hydrated, I smell good, my skin feels nice, I had an adventure and learned some things about myself...all for $20. What a bargain!
I landed in Santa Fe and kept driving, feeling my way toward town. I eventually stopped in a parking lot to look up directions to my B&B only to discover that I was about 3 blocks away! My internal compass seemed to be working well today. I got to the B&B and checked in, got my stuff unloaded, had a little down time lounging on the super comfy bed, and then got myself back out on the road to a Japanese-style bath house just 20 minutes from my B&B.
Upon arrival, you are given a standard-issue kimono/robe, a locker key, and a brief tour of where to go. I opted for the "women's bath" which is a women's only section. I was really pushing my edges here since I'm generally freaked out by water and nakedness, and let me tell you, this place has an abundance of both. Well, I'm ok with other people's nakedness, and I'm ok with my own as long as nobody is around but me, but the idea of being naked in front of other people...well, there's a full-body blush. I don't even shower at the gym because I can't handle the being naked in front of other women part.
So getting to the tub took me a few stages. I had to start in the sauna in my kimono, then moved to a lounge chair in just a towel, then finally the full monty in the tub. After a few minutes in the hot water chatting with other great women, the whole being naked thing stopped being a big deal. Well it stayed a little deal, but was mostly fine :) I bounced between being in the hot tub, sitting on the edge of the tub with my feet in to cool down, getting back in to get really hot, then dashing to the cold plunge, getting so cold my feet started to spasm and then warming back up by sitting meditation in the sauna...all naked! I did this for over 2 HOURS. I have new-found comfort with my body. Sure I don't have a perfect body, but there sure wasn't anyone there that did. Everyone has flaws and scars and lumps and too much of some things and not enough of others. Right, being human doesn't mean being perfect. So I have a big butt and I don't have giant boobs. So what.
I didn't die of embarrassment, and I didn't drown (two things I was concerned about), and I would certainly go back another time. I'm not sure I'd be up for the "communal tub" that is mixed men & women...that's a whole other level of body stuff that I'm not ready to explore yet.
I am rested, I am hydrated, I smell good, my skin feels nice, I had an adventure and learned some things about myself...all for $20. What a bargain!
Sunday, May 27, 2007
solo road trip day #5: texas to albuquerque
Today has been another interesting day. I woke up early EARLY when I heard Doug getting ready for work. I wanted to make sure I was awake to say good bye...I don't know how long it will be before I see him face to face again. He left for work at 5:30am! crazy army hours. I respect him so much. I don't agree with this war we're in, but we're in it. Doug and everyone else in the military doesn't just do a job, this is their LIFE. And chosing to serve your country doesn't just impact your life, it impact the lives of all those close to you. When he gets sent, his partner Susie will be impacted, his friends and family will be impacted, and ripples out and out and out. So on memorial day eve, I want to take a moment to say thank you to Doug and to Bryan and to all those I know and don't know who are serving this country so that I can chose whether or not to practice any religion, and I can chose to use birth control and I can chose to be married or not and I can chose to have fries with that (or not) and I can chose to take my freedom for granted (or not) and I can chose to vote and participate in the political process, and I can chose to spend way too many hours on myspace and so I can take solo road trips.
After Doug left, I went back to sleep and didn't wake up until nearly 9am! I showered, ate breakfast with Susie, and then got on the road at 10:30am. What a luxurious late start! I drove and drove and drove through Texas and New Mexico. I had no plan for where I'd be tonight other than knowing I'd be somewhere between Copperas Cove, TX and Santa Fe, NM. I decided to take a detour and go to Albuquerque. I'm now snug in my very swanky $40 motel room with free wireless, cable TV, a microwave, a mini fridge, and two queen beds. This is way more plush than my $30 motel room in Roswell, NM that didn't have any hot water for my sink or shower (seriously). There is even a little sampler freebie bag with EmergenC, face cream, tylenol, and granola bars!
I know this might sound weird, and Doug would probably say that it is my hippie, liberal side talking, but I put a little intention out there for an inexpensive, clean, easy to find, nice place to stay tonight. I said the word "indulge" again in my head and poof! here's this amazing room. So I feel like the universe is taking care of me. :)
I have no idea what I'll do in Albuquerque tomorrow. I'm only an hour or so from Santa Fe, and can check in as late as 8pm, so I will spend some time exploring. I was pulled here for a reason. i chose not to take the more direct road to Santa Fe when I had the chance, and something inside me said Albuquerque. Maybe it was all the 'q's and 'u's on the signs.
All I know is that when I was an hour from here, I could see the mountains in the distance, and I started to weep. Tear were summersaulting down my face. Maybe I'm just a mountain girl, maybe there is something more. I am curious to see what gifts the universe will give me tomorrow, what lessons I will learn, what adventures may happen. For now, I need to get some rest...my neck and shoulders are sore, and I am tired. 670miles in 11.5 hours today.
After Doug left, I went back to sleep and didn't wake up until nearly 9am! I showered, ate breakfast with Susie, and then got on the road at 10:30am. What a luxurious late start! I drove and drove and drove through Texas and New Mexico. I had no plan for where I'd be tonight other than knowing I'd be somewhere between Copperas Cove, TX and Santa Fe, NM. I decided to take a detour and go to Albuquerque. I'm now snug in my very swanky $40 motel room with free wireless, cable TV, a microwave, a mini fridge, and two queen beds. This is way more plush than my $30 motel room in Roswell, NM that didn't have any hot water for my sink or shower (seriously). There is even a little sampler freebie bag with EmergenC, face cream, tylenol, and granola bars!
I know this might sound weird, and Doug would probably say that it is my hippie, liberal side talking, but I put a little intention out there for an inexpensive, clean, easy to find, nice place to stay tonight. I said the word "indulge" again in my head and poof! here's this amazing room. So I feel like the universe is taking care of me. :)
I have no idea what I'll do in Albuquerque tomorrow. I'm only an hour or so from Santa Fe, and can check in as late as 8pm, so I will spend some time exploring. I was pulled here for a reason. i chose not to take the more direct road to Santa Fe when I had the chance, and something inside me said Albuquerque. Maybe it was all the 'q's and 'u's on the signs.
All I know is that when I was an hour from here, I could see the mountains in the distance, and I started to weep. Tear were summersaulting down my face. Maybe I'm just a mountain girl, maybe there is something more. I am curious to see what gifts the universe will give me tomorrow, what lessons I will learn, what adventures may happen. For now, I need to get some rest...my neck and shoulders are sore, and I am tired. 670miles in 11.5 hours today.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
solo road trip day #3 & #4: doug and susie time
Friday, May 25. Susie had to work today, so Doug and I had some just us time. We talked, we went to a great place for lunch, we played Munchkin, and we watched many many episodes of Highlander (TV series). Doug, Susie and I all went out to dinner together (chinese food) and then went 'on post' to get some provisions for the evening. We talked and played munchkin and the wii (whee) and got pretty silly.
Susie and I eventually decided to go on a walk. It was raining that drippy, misty, slow-soaking rain when we went out. It's been raining here since Thursday evening, so everything is pretty saturated. We walked and talked about our lives, how hard it is to admit when you've made a mistake, how hard it is to look at yourself, how hard it is to love yourself, and how all these things are essential. All these things make you stronger. Susie is one awesome woman, and I'm so happy that she and Doug are together. They both seem really happy and good for each other. Doug came out to find us after 45 minutes. We came inside, got some refreshment, and then went back out and walked & talked some more. We were probably out another 15-30min when it started raining hard, and we finally came in for good. We all talked a while longer before finally calling it a night at 2am. Yay for connecting and reconnecting with friends.
Saturday, May 26. Slept in...and that felt so good. Susie had some solo shopping time today, so Doug and I spent some more "just us" time together. We talked, played wii, went to another great place for lunch, and then came back to the house and watched more Highlander tv series episodes. (yay for geeking out on highlander!) Doug, Susie, and I went to dinner at a great little mom 'n' pop italian restaurant (yum) and then got icecream at another little mom 'n' pop place (double yum). We came back played more wii and munchkin (yay for geeking out on video games and munchkin). Tonight is early bed time for everyone. Doug has to leave for work at 6am (stupid army hours) and so has to be in bed early. I'm trying to get sleepy too since tomorrow is my departure day.
The big solo adventure will resume...I dont know where I'm going to stop tomorrow, but it will be somewhere between Copperas Cove, TX and Santa Fe, NM. I have no city planned, and certainly no lodging secured. I'm going to really push my edge on this one and see where I land. Spontaneity is not something I'm good at or comfortable with. I like plans, I like security, and it is high time for me to come back to being playful and trust the universe (and myself).
Susie and I eventually decided to go on a walk. It was raining that drippy, misty, slow-soaking rain when we went out. It's been raining here since Thursday evening, so everything is pretty saturated. We walked and talked about our lives, how hard it is to admit when you've made a mistake, how hard it is to look at yourself, how hard it is to love yourself, and how all these things are essential. All these things make you stronger. Susie is one awesome woman, and I'm so happy that she and Doug are together. They both seem really happy and good for each other. Doug came out to find us after 45 minutes. We came inside, got some refreshment, and then went back out and walked & talked some more. We were probably out another 15-30min when it started raining hard, and we finally came in for good. We all talked a while longer before finally calling it a night at 2am. Yay for connecting and reconnecting with friends.
Saturday, May 26. Slept in...and that felt so good. Susie had some solo shopping time today, so Doug and I spent some more "just us" time together. We talked, played wii, went to another great place for lunch, and then came back to the house and watched more Highlander tv series episodes. (yay for geeking out on highlander!) Doug, Susie, and I went to dinner at a great little mom 'n' pop italian restaurant (yum) and then got icecream at another little mom 'n' pop place (double yum). We came back played more wii and munchkin (yay for geeking out on video games and munchkin). Tonight is early bed time for everyone. Doug has to leave for work at 6am (stupid army hours) and so has to be in bed early. I'm trying to get sleepy too since tomorrow is my departure day.
The big solo adventure will resume...I dont know where I'm going to stop tomorrow, but it will be somewhere between Copperas Cove, TX and Santa Fe, NM. I have no city planned, and certainly no lodging secured. I'm going to really push my edge on this one and see where I land. Spontaneity is not something I'm good at or comfortable with. I like plans, I like security, and it is high time for me to come back to being playful and trust the universe (and myself).
Thursday, May 24, 2007
solo road trip day #2: flying and going deeper
Today was a totally amazing, awesome day! It started out with waking up to realizing that the universe really is trying to help me out. Ok, let me go back in time...
Yesterday, before I left Dolly's house, I pulled 3 cards from her "Angel Cards", something she does every day and that I've started to do too. These are little cards that have words for support, guidance, inspiration, etc. My 3 cards: Healing, Transformation, Freedom. interesting, eh?
In my yesterday blog, I didn't mention that when I came back from dinner, I had a conversation with 3 men. I had parked the car in the motel lot, got out, and a few spaces over there were 2 men sitting on the tailgate of their truck drinking beer and chatting. When they saw me, they started chatting with me as I unloaded the car. Being a woman alone on the first night of the trip, I was a little hesitant to get too friendly, to give out too much info about myself. I noticed my guardedness, my lame excuse for leaving and retreating to my room.
This morning I woke up and said, hey, that was a missed opportunity last night. The men were friendly, and seemed genuine. They wanted me to know they were native american. They wanted me to talk to them. Girl, if you're going to have an adventure, go have an adventure! I thought about the Book of the Dead...this wasn't my only chance. I will have another opportunity, I just need to look for it, not be afraid.
so i got myself a lovely $3.00 breakfast at the Roswell Cover-Up Cafe (and Weather Balloon Monitoring Station). I had the flying saucer special (2 eggs sunny side up, hash browns, toast and coffee). You'll need to check out the photos in my picasa album to see the alien head street lights. What a goofy town.
I was feeling really good this morning, so I decided to go to Carlsbad Caverns. It twas SO SO worth it. Carlsbad Caverns is a giant cave system near Carlsbad, NM. There were several options for touring the caves, and I chose the $6 "self-guided" tour. You could choose to take an elevator directly from the visitor center (at the surface) to the "Big room" or take the "Natural Entrance". I chose the Natural Entrance route, which descends 750 feet over 1.25 miles and meets up in the Big Room. For a big National Park, I was surprised at how non-crowded the place was. It was really wonderful being able to hike down the trail with very little interaction with other people. I stopped a few times during the descent to write. Here's some transcriptions from my journal:
"Walking down dark twisty slippery path ways. My hand on the wet metal hand rail, feeling the moisture slide beneath my fingers as I go down deeper and deeper. I've passed all the people. I am alone on this descent, down into the womb of the great mother. Away from all human voices, away from the screeching of bats. Away from sunlight and cloud and wind. Only the sound of dripping water. It is dark. I descend faster and faster down the hill. I am almost running, almost flying. Something hits my pinky finger as it slides along the bar, and my hand recoils from the railing as if bitten. My mind slowly reacts: water drop. Nothing to fear. I go into the womb, into the grave. So dark and calm and moist and musty. I am cheerful. I am alone."
"I reach the Great Room. The Main Womb. And it is filled with phallices falling from the ceiling and reaching up from the floor. Everywhere I look in this womb. Emptiness and form. I reach the place with a lookout into a deep, dark hole. I cannot see the bottom. I lean far over the railing. This is not like me! I never get close to the edge like this, never lean over. But today I lean over, and I am not afraid."
I know now the cave dreams from a few nights ago were calling me here to this place. I felt so free, so alive. I felt connected to my beginning and my ending down deep within the earth. I will come back to this place. It is only a long day's drive from Boulder, after all.
I left the caverns at 12:45, and I drove and drove and drove though the last bit of New Mexico and into Texas. The roads are empty today again. I am delighted to have so much open space all to myself. I listen to my 2 new CDs purchased at the Caverns bookstore. I listen to Neil Diamond and sing loudly. I listen to my new CD mixes given by a friend before the trip for the second and third time. I drive for hours and hours. Who knew that Texas was so beautiful?! It started out in the West with vast flat lands with huge buttes, and then morphed into a land full of trees and creeks and wildflowers and goats. Hundreds of goats munching on grasses and flowers. So beautiful. When the sun went down, the rain began. Sheets of rain so hard and furious, I had to slow to 25mph for quite a while and was still edgy. Flooding on the sides of the roads, water pooling up in the intersections in the little towns. The lightening is so fantastic it blinds me. Mini-moments of just bright light and no other sensations. Lightening and rain and rain and rain.
I finally arrive at Doug's house. He comes out to greet me and we are both getting soaked as we hug. It is SO good to see his face. I hardly recognize this man. Even though I saw him a year ago for an hour, the last time I really spent time with him he was 16 and I was 18. We stayed up a while talking, and now he's asleep and I'm writing this.
Such a glorious day.
Yesterday, before I left Dolly's house, I pulled 3 cards from her "Angel Cards", something she does every day and that I've started to do too. These are little cards that have words for support, guidance, inspiration, etc. My 3 cards: Healing, Transformation, Freedom. interesting, eh?
In my yesterday blog, I didn't mention that when I came back from dinner, I had a conversation with 3 men. I had parked the car in the motel lot, got out, and a few spaces over there were 2 men sitting on the tailgate of their truck drinking beer and chatting. When they saw me, they started chatting with me as I unloaded the car. Being a woman alone on the first night of the trip, I was a little hesitant to get too friendly, to give out too much info about myself. I noticed my guardedness, my lame excuse for leaving and retreating to my room.
This morning I woke up and said, hey, that was a missed opportunity last night. The men were friendly, and seemed genuine. They wanted me to know they were native american. They wanted me to talk to them. Girl, if you're going to have an adventure, go have an adventure! I thought about the Book of the Dead...this wasn't my only chance. I will have another opportunity, I just need to look for it, not be afraid.
so i got myself a lovely $3.00 breakfast at the Roswell Cover-Up Cafe (and Weather Balloon Monitoring Station). I had the flying saucer special (2 eggs sunny side up, hash browns, toast and coffee). You'll need to check out the photos in my picasa album to see the alien head street lights. What a goofy town.
I was feeling really good this morning, so I decided to go to Carlsbad Caverns. It twas SO SO worth it. Carlsbad Caverns is a giant cave system near Carlsbad, NM. There were several options for touring the caves, and I chose the $6 "self-guided" tour. You could choose to take an elevator directly from the visitor center (at the surface) to the "Big room" or take the "Natural Entrance". I chose the Natural Entrance route, which descends 750 feet over 1.25 miles and meets up in the Big Room. For a big National Park, I was surprised at how non-crowded the place was. It was really wonderful being able to hike down the trail with very little interaction with other people. I stopped a few times during the descent to write. Here's some transcriptions from my journal:
"Walking down dark twisty slippery path ways. My hand on the wet metal hand rail, feeling the moisture slide beneath my fingers as I go down deeper and deeper. I've passed all the people. I am alone on this descent, down into the womb of the great mother. Away from all human voices, away from the screeching of bats. Away from sunlight and cloud and wind. Only the sound of dripping water. It is dark. I descend faster and faster down the hill. I am almost running, almost flying. Something hits my pinky finger as it slides along the bar, and my hand recoils from the railing as if bitten. My mind slowly reacts: water drop. Nothing to fear. I go into the womb, into the grave. So dark and calm and moist and musty. I am cheerful. I am alone."
"I reach the Great Room. The Main Womb. And it is filled with phallices falling from the ceiling and reaching up from the floor. Everywhere I look in this womb. Emptiness and form. I reach the place with a lookout into a deep, dark hole. I cannot see the bottom. I lean far over the railing. This is not like me! I never get close to the edge like this, never lean over. But today I lean over, and I am not afraid."
I know now the cave dreams from a few nights ago were calling me here to this place. I felt so free, so alive. I felt connected to my beginning and my ending down deep within the earth. I will come back to this place. It is only a long day's drive from Boulder, after all.
I left the caverns at 12:45, and I drove and drove and drove though the last bit of New Mexico and into Texas. The roads are empty today again. I am delighted to have so much open space all to myself. I listen to my 2 new CDs purchased at the Caverns bookstore. I listen to Neil Diamond and sing loudly. I listen to my new CD mixes given by a friend before the trip for the second and third time. I drive for hours and hours. Who knew that Texas was so beautiful?! It started out in the West with vast flat lands with huge buttes, and then morphed into a land full of trees and creeks and wildflowers and goats. Hundreds of goats munching on grasses and flowers. So beautiful. When the sun went down, the rain began. Sheets of rain so hard and furious, I had to slow to 25mph for quite a while and was still edgy. Flooding on the sides of the roads, water pooling up in the intersections in the little towns. The lightening is so fantastic it blinds me. Mini-moments of just bright light and no other sensations. Lightening and rain and rain and rain.
I finally arrive at Doug's house. He comes out to greet me and we are both getting soaked as we hug. It is SO good to see his face. I hardly recognize this man. Even though I saw him a year ago for an hour, the last time I really spent time with him he was 16 and I was 18. We stayed up a while talking, and now he's asleep and I'm writing this.
Such a glorious day.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
solo road trip day #1
warning: this blog is boring. sorry readers, but I'm tired and I'm pretty sure this is borning.
I had a busy, emotional day yesterday followed by a wonderful, grounding evening. I got to have dinner with a friend and had good food and really good conversation. I was a bit of a chatterbox, but I think that happens when I start telling stories. After dinner I went back to Dolly's and talked a lot more. I was so excited for my trip I woke up multiple times in the night thinking it was time to wake up! I had a really crazy dream in which I was trying to get to Shambhala Mountain Center, but the only way there was through a series of caves, and the caves were flooded (not to the ceiling, but with big lakes replacing the paths that I 'remembered'. I was pretty freaked out by the idea of abandoning the car and trying to swim across these flooding trails to get to SMC. I eventually did get in the water and crossed one part successfully. I was floating really well. Floating on my back, even. When I got to the other side I looked around the corner and saw there was another deep lake that needed to be crossed. I said, this is crazy, even if I do get across and get to smc, how will I get all the stuff back? I'm going to get all our stuff in the big red plastic boxes...that stuff won't float! Luckily there were others around who had experience with floods and when we decided to come back another time, the waters had all receded. weird, eh?
So on to the road trip.
I left Boulder this morning at 7:30 am with a plan to drive and drive and drive all the way to Roswell, NM. My hope was to arrive by 4pm so I could have an hour at the International UFO Museum & Research Center before they close at 5pm.
I had quite a lovely morning. The weather in Boulder was cool, and there wasn't much traffic in Denver. Things were pretty smooth sailing for the morning. I had good music: my ipod was set on shuffle, so I got a great mix of my tunes. It was so fun to get a Peter Gabriel song followed by Billy Idol followed by Death Cab for Cutie followed by ABBA followed by ZZ Top followed by Rickie Lee Jones (and on and on and on).
Since I was with just myself, I gave a big cheer when I reached the New Mexico border. Unfortunately, I didn't think to try to get a photo of the border sign. It really isn't that interesting, I suppose, so you can just imagine a big sign that says "welcome to New Mexico".
Hm. this really is a boring blog so far. Let's try to spice it up....oh, wait, I was in a car all day by myself...not too much exciting stuff to report. I stopped for food and fuel in Raton, NM, and had what I think will be the only fast food on this trip. McDonalds fries seemed like such a good idea at the time...yuk. There was a pretty nasty construction traffic on NM-84, with multiple long periods of being stopped in a line of cars waiting for a pilot car to lead us through the tangle, and I got seriously delayed.
I finally made it to Roswell after 9 hours and 560 miles. Sadly, even going straight to the UFO museum, I only got there 5 minutes before 5pm. They let me in for free and I jammed through the exhibits. No time to read captions on photos, just looking while walking past! I was surprised that the museum was more substantial than I would have thought. I zipped through to the gift shop before they shut down and got myself a new mug with the International UFO Museum logo on it! I think this is better than one with a cartoon alien face, don't you.
After the museum, I located my motel, checked in, unloaded a little, spent a little time laying on the bed reading blogs and checking weather forecasts for tomorrow before gathering myself up again to get some dinner. I ended up at a cute local place called "Nuthin' Fancy Cafe". I had black-eyed peas, cornbread, and fried okra for dinner while reading a Neil Gaiman book. Not as good as having company, but the food was tasty and filling, and I enjoyed having a little reading time today.
tomorrow I had hoped to go to Carlsbad Caverns, but I heard a rumor that there is a lot of construction on the road to Carlsbad, so I'm thinking about skipping it in favor of a better route. I figure I'll see how I feel in the morning and make a decision then.
I did take some photos today while driving (yes, it could be dangerous, but I only pulled out the camera when there were NO other cars around. I promise!) You can see today's photos at: http://picasaweb.google.com/1JennieSanchez
will update ya'll from somewhere in TX!
I had a busy, emotional day yesterday followed by a wonderful, grounding evening. I got to have dinner with a friend and had good food and really good conversation. I was a bit of a chatterbox, but I think that happens when I start telling stories. After dinner I went back to Dolly's and talked a lot more. I was so excited for my trip I woke up multiple times in the night thinking it was time to wake up! I had a really crazy dream in which I was trying to get to Shambhala Mountain Center, but the only way there was through a series of caves, and the caves were flooded (not to the ceiling, but with big lakes replacing the paths that I 'remembered'. I was pretty freaked out by the idea of abandoning the car and trying to swim across these flooding trails to get to SMC. I eventually did get in the water and crossed one part successfully. I was floating really well. Floating on my back, even. When I got to the other side I looked around the corner and saw there was another deep lake that needed to be crossed. I said, this is crazy, even if I do get across and get to smc, how will I get all the stuff back? I'm going to get all our stuff in the big red plastic boxes...that stuff won't float! Luckily there were others around who had experience with floods and when we decided to come back another time, the waters had all receded. weird, eh?
So on to the road trip.
I left Boulder this morning at 7:30 am with a plan to drive and drive and drive all the way to Roswell, NM. My hope was to arrive by 4pm so I could have an hour at the International UFO Museum & Research Center before they close at 5pm.
I had quite a lovely morning. The weather in Boulder was cool, and there wasn't much traffic in Denver. Things were pretty smooth sailing for the morning. I had good music: my ipod was set on shuffle, so I got a great mix of my tunes. It was so fun to get a Peter Gabriel song followed by Billy Idol followed by Death Cab for Cutie followed by ABBA followed by ZZ Top followed by Rickie Lee Jones (and on and on and on).
Since I was with just myself, I gave a big cheer when I reached the New Mexico border. Unfortunately, I didn't think to try to get a photo of the border sign. It really isn't that interesting, I suppose, so you can just imagine a big sign that says "welcome to New Mexico".
Hm. this really is a boring blog so far. Let's try to spice it up....oh, wait, I was in a car all day by myself...not too much exciting stuff to report. I stopped for food and fuel in Raton, NM, and had what I think will be the only fast food on this trip. McDonalds fries seemed like such a good idea at the time...yuk. There was a pretty nasty construction traffic on NM-84, with multiple long periods of being stopped in a line of cars waiting for a pilot car to lead us through the tangle, and I got seriously delayed.
I finally made it to Roswell after 9 hours and 560 miles. Sadly, even going straight to the UFO museum, I only got there 5 minutes before 5pm. They let me in for free and I jammed through the exhibits. No time to read captions on photos, just looking while walking past! I was surprised that the museum was more substantial than I would have thought. I zipped through to the gift shop before they shut down and got myself a new mug with the International UFO Museum logo on it! I think this is better than one with a cartoon alien face, don't you.
After the museum, I located my motel, checked in, unloaded a little, spent a little time laying on the bed reading blogs and checking weather forecasts for tomorrow before gathering myself up again to get some dinner. I ended up at a cute local place called "Nuthin' Fancy Cafe". I had black-eyed peas, cornbread, and fried okra for dinner while reading a Neil Gaiman book. Not as good as having company, but the food was tasty and filling, and I enjoyed having a little reading time today.
tomorrow I had hoped to go to Carlsbad Caverns, but I heard a rumor that there is a lot of construction on the road to Carlsbad, so I'm thinking about skipping it in favor of a better route. I figure I'll see how I feel in the morning and make a decision then.
I did take some photos today while driving (yes, it could be dangerous, but I only pulled out the camera when there were NO other cars around. I promise!) You can see today's photos at: http://picasaweb.google.com/1JennieSanchez
will update ya'll from somewhere in TX!
Saturday, May 19, 2007
love, indulgence, and integration
I love Fridays. Fridays I get to see my therapist, and I adore her. She's helped me make connections that I haven't quite been able to get to on my own; she's helped me articulate my experience by asking me to think about things in ways I normally wouldn't.
Friday I spent a lot of time talking about my upcoming road trip.
This road trip has been in the works since March, and has been symbolic of the start of the leg of my journey in life for a while. Last summer I wanted to take a solo road trip, and the plan got changed when I ended up traveling with my sisters. I had SO much fun with Courtney (Boulder to St. Louis) and Lindsey (St. Louis to Boulder) and wouldn't trade those experiences for anything, but I missed out on a chance to do something for just me, by myself.
I talked to her about how hard it was for me to be very clear that this trip was SOLO, and that no other people allowed for any part of this journey. It was hard to be selfish and do something just for me. She asked me to feel in my body what it is like to say that I want to do something for me. My heart is tight, pounding. I spoke of my head vs. heart dilemma. How my head says "being selfish is bad" even when my heart is saying "I want to take care of me. I need to take care of me." She asked me to put on the voice of my heart. Where is it, what is is saying? It is locked in a cage inside a dark closet, beating on the bars trying to get out. What is it asking for? What does it want? Adventure. It wants to dance. It wants to celebrate, and it wants to love.
Many of you have heard from me since last summer that I've been planning to shave my head. The head shaving has lots of meaning for me...doing something for ME without caring what anyone else thinks. The idea of shaving my head was an act of rebellion, of differentiation, of liberation, of selfishness. It is really interesting, but the desire to go bald has really loosened since I left the house. In march I formulated a secret plan to shave my head while I was on the road.
I spoke to my therapist about the head shaving. I spoke to her about my relationship with my hair. How I had taken 5+ years to grow it to my waist, how I cut it last summer, and how I only recently rediscovered how much I LOVE getting my haircut...how the ritual of having someone wash, cut, and style my hair is so amazing.
I spoke to my therapist about how I've been getting noticed lately. How people I've known for a long while but don't see often (certain friends, many people that I work with) have seen me recently and have told me how good I look. How I seem relaxed, more open, glowing. How people have been flirting with me, and how fun that is. How I'd forgotten how nice it is to be noticed.
Therapy this week brought up some very good points:
that I'm starting to remember and reconnect with more aspects of what it is like to be a feminine woman, and how does that fit in with shaving my head? I like my hair! I like playing with it and getting to get 2 hour haircuts. what it would be like for me to go on this trip and take time to pamper myself, to indulge (my therapist's special word for me) in things that are fun for me and have been missing from my life. could I be both a feminine woman and a strong, independent woman traveling alone? holy crap. I've been talking for a long time about trying to do both, to find the balance, to bring those two aspects together. I've never successfully done that before. I've got role models to look to, women who are amazing and strong and beautiful and soft and tough. I can do this. I don't need to shave my head to prove to myself or anyone else that I am strong. It might be a fine thing to do at some point later, but right now I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons.
I'm going to take my therapist's advice...it is time for me to indulge. She pointed out that the first word my heart-voice said was adventure. I'm going to get some spa time, some massage time, some lovely drinking tea time, some hiking time, some crazy roadside museum time, some hot springs time, some excellent meals time, some scifi geek time, some flirty fun time, some singing loudly in the car to music I like time, some book reading time, some mourning endings and celebrating new beginnings time, some just me time. It is time for me to find myself again, to get back in balance, to start the next part of my life journey not just with words, but with actions. I may be alone for a long time to come (or not) but I need to restart, reset, reclaim myself, so that I can start the next phase of my life well. I'm excited for the adventure to begin.
And Friday after therapy I spent some time researching things for my trip. I'm not going to reveal too much yet...I'm not going to plan too much yet (though I am trying to secure lodging since it will be memorial day weekend travel). It was so wonderful to get the idea in my head that I would indulge, and poof, I found all kinds of fun, quirky, luxurious places to choose from!
AND Friday after work I got to hang out with my Paulie. We drank dirty martinis and he introduced me to a new friend and we listened to music and then we walked the mall and went into an art gallery and laughed at silly jokes and went back to listen to more music and then went back to his place where we talked and laughed and watched tv and paused tv (he's got a fancy tivo) to talk and laugh and drink tequila (ok, I had 2 half-shots spread out over the evening, and that got me too tipsy to drive home) and watch more tv and talk more. I ended up crashing at Paul & Tanya's place which was just SO wonderful.
To continue with the theme of making good discoveries and re-connections here's my few summary thoughts on Friday night: 1. Goodness it has been way, WAY to long since I've gotten to spend that kind of quality time with my found cousin. I love that man, I do. 2. When I'm tipsy I like to send text messages. I really need to watch that impulse. At dinner Paul pulled out his phone and showed me a message I sent him in November (!) because he's been wondering why I would text him late at night asking him how much he could bench. My only guess was that I must have been tipsy at the time...I recognize that I do this. I know I've sent D a tipsy text with "I love you and I'm buzzed!" because I've got his reply text saved "i love you and I'm not buzzed"
so perhaps parting words for this long, long rant should be to you all who've made it though the post with "I love you (and me) and I'm not buzzed"
Friday I spent a lot of time talking about my upcoming road trip.
This road trip has been in the works since March, and has been symbolic of the start of the leg of my journey in life for a while. Last summer I wanted to take a solo road trip, and the plan got changed when I ended up traveling with my sisters. I had SO much fun with Courtney (Boulder to St. Louis) and Lindsey (St. Louis to Boulder) and wouldn't trade those experiences for anything, but I missed out on a chance to do something for just me, by myself.
I talked to her about how hard it was for me to be very clear that this trip was SOLO, and that no other people allowed for any part of this journey. It was hard to be selfish and do something just for me. She asked me to feel in my body what it is like to say that I want to do something for me. My heart is tight, pounding. I spoke of my head vs. heart dilemma. How my head says "being selfish is bad" even when my heart is saying "I want to take care of me. I need to take care of me." She asked me to put on the voice of my heart. Where is it, what is is saying? It is locked in a cage inside a dark closet, beating on the bars trying to get out. What is it asking for? What does it want? Adventure. It wants to dance. It wants to celebrate, and it wants to love.
Many of you have heard from me since last summer that I've been planning to shave my head. The head shaving has lots of meaning for me...doing something for ME without caring what anyone else thinks. The idea of shaving my head was an act of rebellion, of differentiation, of liberation, of selfishness. It is really interesting, but the desire to go bald has really loosened since I left the house. In march I formulated a secret plan to shave my head while I was on the road.
I spoke to my therapist about the head shaving. I spoke to her about my relationship with my hair. How I had taken 5+ years to grow it to my waist, how I cut it last summer, and how I only recently rediscovered how much I LOVE getting my haircut...how the ritual of having someone wash, cut, and style my hair is so amazing.
I spoke to my therapist about how I've been getting noticed lately. How people I've known for a long while but don't see often (certain friends, many people that I work with) have seen me recently and have told me how good I look. How I seem relaxed, more open, glowing. How people have been flirting with me, and how fun that is. How I'd forgotten how nice it is to be noticed.
Therapy this week brought up some very good points:
that I'm starting to remember and reconnect with more aspects of what it is like to be a feminine woman, and how does that fit in with shaving my head? I like my hair! I like playing with it and getting to get 2 hour haircuts. what it would be like for me to go on this trip and take time to pamper myself, to indulge (my therapist's special word for me) in things that are fun for me and have been missing from my life. could I be both a feminine woman and a strong, independent woman traveling alone? holy crap. I've been talking for a long time about trying to do both, to find the balance, to bring those two aspects together. I've never successfully done that before. I've got role models to look to, women who are amazing and strong and beautiful and soft and tough. I can do this. I don't need to shave my head to prove to myself or anyone else that I am strong. It might be a fine thing to do at some point later, but right now I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons.
I'm going to take my therapist's advice...it is time for me to indulge. She pointed out that the first word my heart-voice said was adventure. I'm going to get some spa time, some massage time, some lovely drinking tea time, some hiking time, some crazy roadside museum time, some hot springs time, some excellent meals time, some scifi geek time, some flirty fun time, some singing loudly in the car to music I like time, some book reading time, some mourning endings and celebrating new beginnings time, some just me time. It is time for me to find myself again, to get back in balance, to start the next part of my life journey not just with words, but with actions. I may be alone for a long time to come (or not) but I need to restart, reset, reclaim myself, so that I can start the next phase of my life well. I'm excited for the adventure to begin.
And Friday after therapy I spent some time researching things for my trip. I'm not going to reveal too much yet...I'm not going to plan too much yet (though I am trying to secure lodging since it will be memorial day weekend travel). It was so wonderful to get the idea in my head that I would indulge, and poof, I found all kinds of fun, quirky, luxurious places to choose from!
AND Friday after work I got to hang out with my Paulie. We drank dirty martinis and he introduced me to a new friend and we listened to music and then we walked the mall and went into an art gallery and laughed at silly jokes and went back to listen to more music and then went back to his place where we talked and laughed and watched tv and paused tv (he's got a fancy tivo) to talk and laugh and drink tequila (ok, I had 2 half-shots spread out over the evening, and that got me too tipsy to drive home) and watch more tv and talk more. I ended up crashing at Paul & Tanya's place which was just SO wonderful.
To continue with the theme of making good discoveries and re-connections here's my few summary thoughts on Friday night: 1. Goodness it has been way, WAY to long since I've gotten to spend that kind of quality time with my found cousin. I love that man, I do. 2. When I'm tipsy I like to send text messages. I really need to watch that impulse. At dinner Paul pulled out his phone and showed me a message I sent him in November (!) because he's been wondering why I would text him late at night asking him how much he could bench. My only guess was that I must have been tipsy at the time...I recognize that I do this. I know I've sent D a tipsy text with "I love you and I'm buzzed!" because I've got his reply text saved "i love you and I'm not buzzed"
so perhaps parting words for this long, long rant should be to you all who've made it though the post with "I love you (and me) and I'm not buzzed"
Thursday, May 17, 2007
housekeeping updates
A few updates for the peanut gallery:
1. Thank you to all of you who called, texted, and in-person hugged in response to yesterday's freakout. I came out of my couples counseling appointment yesterday evening with 4 phone messages and a text! You peeps are awesome.
2. I'm sorry for not returning phone calls. My cell plan is a 300minute plan, and I've currently used 216 minutes, and have 2 weeks more before the cycle ends...I'm trying to get my butt over to the t-mobile store to upgrade to a higher minute plan, but haven't made it there yet, and their website seems to indicate plan changes won't go into effect until the next billing cycle! Let's hope I can cute my way out of this one.
3. I am almost officially a member of the Board of Directors for September High School, a small, independent school in Boulder. I've changed my stuff so it's all private now since there's a small chance that those highschoolers might care. I seriously doubt they'll even pay attention to who is on the board, but ya never know.
4. I'm going on a solo road trip starting Wednesday next week. I'll be driving to Killeen, TX to visit my Doug. I plan to return on Monday or Tuesday (May 28 or 29). I'll do my best to keep you all up to date with a travelblog, but there's no telling where I'll get access to wireless for my laptop or find a computer with an internet connection.
4.1. I am getting ready to road trip, so if anyone has any good tunes for the car for me to borrow on my new ipod, lemme know. I plan to load up the little gizmo for the trip!
6. I'm thinking of starting a new count (to replace the old "daily egg count") of how many times I can insert foot into mouth. Geez...when I get nervous, I get quiet, but when I try to not be quiet I say somewhat inappropriate things. I don't think repeating here the foot-in-mouth comments would be helpful, so perhaps I won't include the tally here either.
4.2. I'm also looking for suggestions on places to crash between Wichita, KS and Oklahoma City, OK. I'm planning to do some research this weekend, but if you have ideas of funky and/or inexpensive places, I'm open. I'm tempted to stay at my favorite B&B near Wichita, but would like to see something new...
4.3. I'm also looking for books on tape/cd, so any suggestions here are also appreciated. I've heard Pema Chodron is great to listen to, but I'm not sure if meditation tapes are good for driving...other ideas?!
10. because it is good to end on 10 when I'm sleepy.
1. Thank you to all of you who called, texted, and in-person hugged in response to yesterday's freakout. I came out of my couples counseling appointment yesterday evening with 4 phone messages and a text! You peeps are awesome.
2. I'm sorry for not returning phone calls. My cell plan is a 300minute plan, and I've currently used 216 minutes, and have 2 weeks more before the cycle ends...I'm trying to get my butt over to the t-mobile store to upgrade to a higher minute plan, but haven't made it there yet, and their website seems to indicate plan changes won't go into effect until the next billing cycle! Let's hope I can cute my way out of this one.
3. I am almost officially a member of the Board of Directors for September High School, a small, independent school in Boulder. I've changed my stuff so it's all private now since there's a small chance that those highschoolers might care. I seriously doubt they'll even pay attention to who is on the board, but ya never know.
4. I'm going on a solo road trip starting Wednesday next week. I'll be driving to Killeen, TX to visit my Doug. I plan to return on Monday or Tuesday (May 28 or 29). I'll do my best to keep you all up to date with a travelblog, but there's no telling where I'll get access to wireless for my laptop or find a computer with an internet connection.
4.1. I am getting ready to road trip, so if anyone has any good tunes for the car for me to borrow on my new ipod, lemme know. I plan to load up the little gizmo for the trip!
6. I'm thinking of starting a new count (to replace the old "daily egg count") of how many times I can insert foot into mouth. Geez...when I get nervous, I get quiet, but when I try to not be quiet I say somewhat inappropriate things. I don't think repeating here the foot-in-mouth comments would be helpful, so perhaps I won't include the tally here either.
4.2. I'm also looking for suggestions on places to crash between Wichita, KS and Oklahoma City, OK. I'm planning to do some research this weekend, but if you have ideas of funky and/or inexpensive places, I'm open. I'm tempted to stay at my favorite B&B near Wichita, but would like to see something new...
4.3. I'm also looking for books on tape/cd, so any suggestions here are also appreciated. I've heard Pema Chodron is great to listen to, but I'm not sure if meditation tapes are good for driving...other ideas?!
10. because it is good to end on 10 when I'm sleepy.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
car accident
I got into a car accident this morning. I'm FINE (physically) but still shaking (internally and externally). I was at a stop light with one car in front of me. Just sitting there. Stopped. And then my foot slipped, and the car rolled, and I bumped the car in front before I could hit the break again.
The light turned green, we drove to a place to pull over, and I got out of the car nervous and embarrased. His car had no damage. My car has a small indent in the front license plate. Once it was clear there was no damage, I got yelled at for a long time. It started with "How long have you been driving? How could you run into me at a stop light? What were you thinking? You're lucky there's no damage to my car." I apologized profusely. It was an accident, my foot slipped off the break, I tried to explain. He didn't seem to hear me. He thought that I was driving and didn't stop in time. I tried again to explain that I was stopped behind him for a while when my foot slipped. He went on to tell me how luck I was to have been behind him..."what if there wasn't a car in front and I didn't stop in time as I was approaching the light and hit someone pushing a stroller, or hit a child!" Of course, you're right. But, I was stopped, my foot slipped. It was an accident. I didn't do any of this on purpose. "You've ruined my day" he said. "What were you thinking? How hard is it to stop at a stop light?" I kept trying to apologize. I offered to exchange information if he thought it would be helpful, if he thought that there might be some damage. He told me I was lucky the trailer ball wasn't on the hitch, that he was on his way to go pick it up, and if it had been on, I really would have damaged my car. Yes, of course, I told him. I am so sorry. I started to cry and told him that my husband and I were ... and cried. Somehow my vulnerability stopped him. He said that I should be more careful and then, "listen, lady, maybe you should calm down before you get back in the car." He said that there was no damage, and he'd be on his way.
I'm totally rattled. I've been crying on and off all morning. I get to the point of tears, have a few sobs, and then shut it all down. Touch and go. Go and go. I can't go there, I can't stay tapped into that pain. I need to keep it together, I've got work to do today.
If you see me later, hugs will be appreciated.
The light turned green, we drove to a place to pull over, and I got out of the car nervous and embarrased. His car had no damage. My car has a small indent in the front license plate. Once it was clear there was no damage, I got yelled at for a long time. It started with "How long have you been driving? How could you run into me at a stop light? What were you thinking? You're lucky there's no damage to my car." I apologized profusely. It was an accident, my foot slipped off the break, I tried to explain. He didn't seem to hear me. He thought that I was driving and didn't stop in time. I tried again to explain that I was stopped behind him for a while when my foot slipped. He went on to tell me how luck I was to have been behind him..."what if there wasn't a car in front and I didn't stop in time as I was approaching the light and hit someone pushing a stroller, or hit a child!" Of course, you're right. But, I was stopped, my foot slipped. It was an accident. I didn't do any of this on purpose. "You've ruined my day" he said. "What were you thinking? How hard is it to stop at a stop light?" I kept trying to apologize. I offered to exchange information if he thought it would be helpful, if he thought that there might be some damage. He told me I was lucky the trailer ball wasn't on the hitch, that he was on his way to go pick it up, and if it had been on, I really would have damaged my car. Yes, of course, I told him. I am so sorry. I started to cry and told him that my husband and I were ... and cried. Somehow my vulnerability stopped him. He said that I should be more careful and then, "listen, lady, maybe you should calm down before you get back in the car." He said that there was no damage, and he'd be on his way.
I'm totally rattled. I've been crying on and off all morning. I get to the point of tears, have a few sobs, and then shut it all down. Touch and go. Go and go. I can't go there, I can't stay tapped into that pain. I need to keep it together, I've got work to do today.
If you see me later, hugs will be appreciated.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
head vs. heart
Oh, the glorious battle continues! Why is it that there has to be a battle of head vs. heart? They often want the same thing, right? I suppose the problem is when things get so out of balance.
Example #1, tonight I was being interviewed to become a member of the board of directors for a small independent high school in town. One of the questions was, "how and why did you change from teaching physics to working at Naropa?" I gave the logistical answer...I moved from california to boulder and found Naropa's website. But then I gave the answer that holds the core truth: I loved science, but I hated the culture of working in science. When I was in that world, I was all in my head. At my job at Naropa, I've found a balance between head and heart.
Example # 2: Today, I had an all-day retreat for a committee of all the people in the university who have the same job I do (administrative head for academic department). We had an in-service "training" for most of the retreat, and the main topic was contemplative administration. When the facilitator asked the group to talk about what their inspiration is for working at Naropa, I spoke about being able to bring all of myself to my work...that I need to be fully integrated in every part of my life, and working at Naropa allows me to be a real human being with emotions and thoughts, talents and weaknesses. I left science because I couldn't keep living only in my head. I couldn't keep living a disassociated existence. I couldn't keep trying to assimilate in a world that doesn't value heart or emotion or weakness.
I'm on a path of working every day to keep head and heart in balance. My mind races, and it jumps ahead to look at many different options, many possible parallel universes all created by making different choices. I notice my thoughts and impulses, consider how I feel about the thoughts and impulses, and make choices about whether or not to act on those thoughts and impulses. Sometimes I make good choices, sometimes not. The noticing is important. The space to consider and to feel how I really feel before I act is important.
Example #1, tonight I was being interviewed to become a member of the board of directors for a small independent high school in town. One of the questions was, "how and why did you change from teaching physics to working at Naropa?" I gave the logistical answer...I moved from california to boulder and found Naropa's website. But then I gave the answer that holds the core truth: I loved science, but I hated the culture of working in science. When I was in that world, I was all in my head. At my job at Naropa, I've found a balance between head and heart.
Example # 2: Today, I had an all-day retreat for a committee of all the people in the university who have the same job I do (administrative head for academic department). We had an in-service "training" for most of the retreat, and the main topic was contemplative administration. When the facilitator asked the group to talk about what their inspiration is for working at Naropa, I spoke about being able to bring all of myself to my work...that I need to be fully integrated in every part of my life, and working at Naropa allows me to be a real human being with emotions and thoughts, talents and weaknesses. I left science because I couldn't keep living only in my head. I couldn't keep living a disassociated existence. I couldn't keep trying to assimilate in a world that doesn't value heart or emotion or weakness.
I'm on a path of working every day to keep head and heart in balance. My mind races, and it jumps ahead to look at many different options, many possible parallel universes all created by making different choices. I notice my thoughts and impulses, consider how I feel about the thoughts and impulses, and make choices about whether or not to act on those thoughts and impulses. Sometimes I make good choices, sometimes not. The noticing is important. The space to consider and to feel how I really feel before I act is important.
Monday, May 14, 2007
trying not to be extraordinary dragon bait
just trying to be a regular girl
everyone around me sees something I don't
or sees something I want to deny
I don't want to be extraordinary
I just want to be like everyone else
I don't have superpowers, though I'd like to
I'm no hero, though I try to be every day
I don't kill vampires in dark alleyways
but I answer questions that come my way
my power is my knowledge
and my willingness to be human
that isn't so special.
I don't have pyramid power;
I'm no princess, I'm not dragon bait.
I'm still failing miserably at being normal,
I blush when they notice, I blush when they introduce me
as someone special
and I wish I could see what they see.
I'm just trying to be a normal girl, but maybe I don't know what that means.
Along the way I've forgotten myself and found myself and forgotten again.
I used to be so old...the 80 year old little girl.
Now I feel like a goofy teenager, giggling late into the night with my best girl.
Watching my impulses...recognize and relax...easier said than done!
Picking up the phone, hanging up the phone, picking it up, hanging it up
finally making the call when the timing is awkward, when I hope he doesn't pick up, but I hope he picks up. He picks up and a friend yells "jennie!" in the background.
how do I talk to my baby brother about what is going on
he's not a baby anymore, but a college graduate
I feel like a failure when I was supposed to be the one
setting the good example
acting like the shining star with the superstar trajectory
Maybe I am setting a good example
teaching him now as I did long ago
the lessons now are lessons of
how to be true to yourself, even when things are painful
instead of dictionary words and math flash cards and nintendo
he wants to move to LA to look for work
at least he'll be near my sisters
don't give up, don't settle for work that you aren't passionate about
don't settle for a life that isn't true to you.
Maybe this is what they see in me
the stubborn, unwillingness to fake my way through
my inability to be half-assed
my magic-loving, knowledge-seeking, playful, serious, human
me.
everyone around me sees something I don't
or sees something I want to deny
I don't want to be extraordinary
I just want to be like everyone else
I don't have superpowers, though I'd like to
I'm no hero, though I try to be every day
I don't kill vampires in dark alleyways
but I answer questions that come my way
my power is my knowledge
and my willingness to be human
that isn't so special.
I don't have pyramid power;
I'm no princess, I'm not dragon bait.
I'm still failing miserably at being normal,
I blush when they notice, I blush when they introduce me
as someone special
and I wish I could see what they see.
I'm just trying to be a normal girl, but maybe I don't know what that means.
Along the way I've forgotten myself and found myself and forgotten again.
I used to be so old...the 80 year old little girl.
Now I feel like a goofy teenager, giggling late into the night with my best girl.
Watching my impulses...recognize and relax...easier said than done!
Picking up the phone, hanging up the phone, picking it up, hanging it up
finally making the call when the timing is awkward, when I hope he doesn't pick up, but I hope he picks up. He picks up and a friend yells "jennie!" in the background.
how do I talk to my baby brother about what is going on
he's not a baby anymore, but a college graduate
I feel like a failure when I was supposed to be the one
setting the good example
acting like the shining star with the superstar trajectory
Maybe I am setting a good example
teaching him now as I did long ago
the lessons now are lessons of
how to be true to yourself, even when things are painful
instead of dictionary words and math flash cards and nintendo
he wants to move to LA to look for work
at least he'll be near my sisters
don't give up, don't settle for work that you aren't passionate about
don't settle for a life that isn't true to you.
Maybe this is what they see in me
the stubborn, unwillingness to fake my way through
my inability to be half-assed
my magic-loving, knowledge-seeking, playful, serious, human
me.
Friday, May 11, 2007
the slumber party continues
Thursday was a bit more mellow on the slumber party front. Dolly wasn't feeling too great after the stay up 'til the early hours. I went on a LOOONG walk with John. It was good to move my body and talk about the profound (how to be true to ourselves) and the silly (our appreciation of highlander, and role player games). I really do love that man...he's pretty amazing. When I got back, it was getting pretty dark and Dolly was watching one of our favorite trashy shows with medical interns with bad boundaries who have sex with inappropriate people. And since Dol's BF is gone, I'm in the bed with her! Yay for sharing the big bed with my big sis friend :)
It is funny how girls can share a bed and it is no big deal.
Hm. so Today I got a lot accomplished at work. I'm pretty pleased with this, since I've felt like such a slacker lately...it's been hard to concentrate at work with the emotional drama of my personal life layered on top of the sadness for the students graduating. Today I got a lot done on my list. It made me realize this will be one Long, Long Summer. I was in the office alone today and that is what summer usually looks like. BORING! I'm really going to miss the students and the activity of the school year. It will be nice to have a break, but I usually just need 2 weeks of quiet in the office before I start going stircrazy with the lack of students and faculty and university deadlines. we'll see...
It was good to have a relaxo evening with Dolly. We watched a movie (I even knit a bunch during the movie), we had tuna burgers and fries and salad for dinner, we went on a walk, we watched bad TV and did laundry. It was great to just chill.
Tomorrow is a big day...Graduation. I expect to cry a lot. Happy crying and sad crying. Sunday I'm going to a wedding, so probably more happy and sad crying. I'm excited for the weekend!
It is funny how girls can share a bed and it is no big deal.
Hm. so Today I got a lot accomplished at work. I'm pretty pleased with this, since I've felt like such a slacker lately...it's been hard to concentrate at work with the emotional drama of my personal life layered on top of the sadness for the students graduating. Today I got a lot done on my list. It made me realize this will be one Long, Long Summer. I was in the office alone today and that is what summer usually looks like. BORING! I'm really going to miss the students and the activity of the school year. It will be nice to have a break, but I usually just need 2 weeks of quiet in the office before I start going stircrazy with the lack of students and faculty and university deadlines. we'll see...
It was good to have a relaxo evening with Dolly. We watched a movie (I even knit a bunch during the movie), we had tuna burgers and fries and salad for dinner, we went on a walk, we watched bad TV and did laundry. It was great to just chill.
Tomorrow is a big day...Graduation. I expect to cry a lot. Happy crying and sad crying. Sunday I'm going to a wedding, so probably more happy and sad crying. I'm excited for the weekend!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
the slumber party begins
yay for staying up WAY too late with with my best girl Dol and talking and talking and talking and listening to music and talking.
"What's your biggest dream?" she asked me. Why don't I have an answer?
I want to love and be loved, I want to play, I want to use my brain for good (not evil), I want to not live a half-assed life. I want to fully engage in all that I do. I haven't been doing that lately. I want to go on retreat, I want to travel, I want to experience the richness of the world and also appreciate the mundane. I want to dance and dance and dance. Have I ever let myself really dream big, crazy, wild, fantasy dreams? My practical brain makes it hard...I have plans, lists, logic...these are my comfort zones. To really dream is to let go of the logic and let in the crazy wisdom.
Dolly's partner leaves town tomorrow, and it seems the crazy slumber party has begun a day early. I'm looking forward to some time with the two of us. I'm looking forward to time with Dolly and John tomorrow and Saturday! Yay! I know I need to go to sleep but I'm wired...not on any substances (unless you count water, second-hand smoke, and dog farts). hm. ok, must go sleeeeeep.
"What's your biggest dream?" she asked me. Why don't I have an answer?
I want to love and be loved, I want to play, I want to use my brain for good (not evil), I want to not live a half-assed life. I want to fully engage in all that I do. I haven't been doing that lately. I want to go on retreat, I want to travel, I want to experience the richness of the world and also appreciate the mundane. I want to dance and dance and dance. Have I ever let myself really dream big, crazy, wild, fantasy dreams? My practical brain makes it hard...I have plans, lists, logic...these are my comfort zones. To really dream is to let go of the logic and let in the crazy wisdom.
Dolly's partner leaves town tomorrow, and it seems the crazy slumber party has begun a day early. I'm looking forward to some time with the two of us. I'm looking forward to time with Dolly and John tomorrow and Saturday! Yay! I know I need to go to sleep but I'm wired...not on any substances (unless you count water, second-hand smoke, and dog farts). hm. ok, must go sleeeeeep.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
heroes and humans
Tonight I went to dinner and a movie with my johnguy. It was so good to see him and talk to him and be silly.
It was good to connect and talk about our similar goals of trying to live a more integrated, balanced, authentic life. To live a life in which we can share all of ourselves, to not hold back, to really connect. This is my struggle lately.
Does it take a hero to live that kind of life? Does it just take being human? Even heroes are humans and make mistakes, hurt others in their attempt to do good, get tempted by their shaddow sides, get self aggressive, and create suffering for themselves and others. But heroes are humans and love and laugh and forgive and and bring happiness and joy to themselves and others. Heroes are vulnerable and strong and fearful and courageous. We are drawn to heroes because of their superhuman ability to really be human, to live in the human realm, to feel even when it hurts.
I went to see Spiderman III tonight. I was looking for a good hero movie and had hoped to get caught up in an uplifted "hero saves the day" and "happily ever after" movie. The movie was not that, and I think it gave me a lesson I've been needing to remember...that each of us has the potential to be a hero and each of us has the potential to be human.
It was good to connect and talk about our similar goals of trying to live a more integrated, balanced, authentic life. To live a life in which we can share all of ourselves, to not hold back, to really connect. This is my struggle lately.
Does it take a hero to live that kind of life? Does it just take being human? Even heroes are humans and make mistakes, hurt others in their attempt to do good, get tempted by their shaddow sides, get self aggressive, and create suffering for themselves and others. But heroes are humans and love and laugh and forgive and and bring happiness and joy to themselves and others. Heroes are vulnerable and strong and fearful and courageous. We are drawn to heroes because of their superhuman ability to really be human, to live in the human realm, to feel even when it hurts.
I went to see Spiderman III tonight. I was looking for a good hero movie and had hoped to get caught up in an uplifted "hero saves the day" and "happily ever after" movie. The movie was not that, and I think it gave me a lesson I've been needing to remember...that each of us has the potential to be a hero and each of us has the potential to be human.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
dead alpaca baby (dont read if you're squeamish)
Last night I stayed at the house in Longmont.
7am we went out to feed the animals together and discovered Maya was in labor over a month early. The amniotic sack was out, but hadn't ruptured. In a panick, I called the vet and our neighbor, Lynley. She said to rip open the sack and go in to try to deliver the baby...to try to save the baby.
I opened that fluid sack and went in up to my elbow. I could feel body parts and wasn't really sure what the hell I was touching. I could make out a knee and what I thought was the neck, but I couldn't get far enough in her to find the head. The baby wasn't moving. It was so warm inside her womb, but that baby didn't move at all. I was afraid. I was so afraid of hurting the baby, of hurting maya, of doing something to make the whole situation worse and afraid to do nothing and to make the whole situation worse. Our vet called back and said not to do anything more. Our neighbor called and said go back in there and see what you can feel...is the baby moving? No, the baby hadn't moved. I knew that baby wasn't alive. The part that I thought was a neck was long and curved and went back so far. It was so warm in there. So comforting and so frightening. What if I do the wrong thing and tear her uterus and then she bleeds to death. We'd lose Maya and the baby.
Lynley came over and checked maya too. She thought it was a breech birth. If it is a breech, she said, the baby could be fine. Michael and Lynley kept walking Maya around talking to her, telling her not to push. I stayed with her 6 year old daughter, Sierra, answering questions about what a placenta is, what a breech birth means, and why it is bad. Telling Sierra, that the baby might already be dead. How alpaca births and human births are not very different.
Our vet finally arrived. We walked Maya out of the corral and into the grassy back yard...it would be cleaner on the grass if he needed to do a c-section. He went in and felt the baby. It wasn't a breech. He described feeling the knee and the neck, just as I had felt it. He manipulated the baby for what felt like a long time and finally brought the head out. He checked to see if it was alive. It was not. He delivered the baby, and maya's vagina tore a little as the baby came out. Once the baby was out we checked. It was a boy. The umbilical cord had ruptured in utero. He was beautiful and he was dead. He was premature, but not so premature that he couldn't have survived if only he had been born alive.
We let Maya sniff her baby for a few minutes while Sierra and I hugged each other and cried. Eventually, our vet gave maya some anitbiotics and some oxytocin to stimulate the release of the placenta. I took Sierra over to the gate to look at the animals while the others bagged up the baby's body. at 8am, Lynley and Sierra left to get ready for school.
We talked to our vet for a little bit. His best guess was that somehow the umbilical cord got severed, probably happened when the baby was shifting into position. The umbilical cord severed, the baby died, and that triggered Maya to go into labor.
I'm usually so happy to see our vet. I usually call him our "hunky vet"...not many men look that good in overalls. But today I'm just sad. Sad to have had to call him, sad to see him, sad for maya, sad for michael, sad for sierra, sad for the dead baby, and sad for myself.
After our vet left, Michael went to the farm store to get a bottle of penicillin. I stayed outside to watch Maya and wait for the placenta to drop. At 10:00, she was still trying to get it out, so we gave her another shot of oxytocin. The placenta dropped at 10:15, and we burried it out in the north pasture. One more hole, one more burrial, one more ending.
We're walking around like zombies. We're awake and asleep. Trying to function and not doing it very well. We took the two almost 1-year old babies to another ranch after we were sure Maya was ok. Those two babies are going to an alpaca show in Denver this weekend, and the people at the other ranch are taking them down there for us. We told them we're leaving this business, and that if anyone is interested in either of our animals to make sure to say that they're for sale. You can't have a livestock business when you get so attached, I said. You need to have a level of detachment to think of the alpacas as "just livestock" not to love them and mourn them. You can't run a business when you sell off animals like they don't have feelings and they don't care. They clearly have feelings. They do care. They show their emotions and can be sad and worried and scared and happy and joyful. They play, they fight, they love each other and they hate each other. How can you buy and sell beings who aren't so different from you?
I'm a zombie and I don't know what to do. I need to go to work, but I don't know what I'll do there. I don't know what I'll do if I stay here either. Writing the story helps me. I'm not sure I want to talk about this just yet. I am pretty numb right now, but writing this has helped.
7am we went out to feed the animals together and discovered Maya was in labor over a month early. The amniotic sack was out, but hadn't ruptured. In a panick, I called the vet and our neighbor, Lynley. She said to rip open the sack and go in to try to deliver the baby...to try to save the baby.
I opened that fluid sack and went in up to my elbow. I could feel body parts and wasn't really sure what the hell I was touching. I could make out a knee and what I thought was the neck, but I couldn't get far enough in her to find the head. The baby wasn't moving. It was so warm inside her womb, but that baby didn't move at all. I was afraid. I was so afraid of hurting the baby, of hurting maya, of doing something to make the whole situation worse and afraid to do nothing and to make the whole situation worse. Our vet called back and said not to do anything more. Our neighbor called and said go back in there and see what you can feel...is the baby moving? No, the baby hadn't moved. I knew that baby wasn't alive. The part that I thought was a neck was long and curved and went back so far. It was so warm in there. So comforting and so frightening. What if I do the wrong thing and tear her uterus and then she bleeds to death. We'd lose Maya and the baby.
Lynley came over and checked maya too. She thought it was a breech birth. If it is a breech, she said, the baby could be fine. Michael and Lynley kept walking Maya around talking to her, telling her not to push. I stayed with her 6 year old daughter, Sierra, answering questions about what a placenta is, what a breech birth means, and why it is bad. Telling Sierra, that the baby might already be dead. How alpaca births and human births are not very different.
Our vet finally arrived. We walked Maya out of the corral and into the grassy back yard...it would be cleaner on the grass if he needed to do a c-section. He went in and felt the baby. It wasn't a breech. He described feeling the knee and the neck, just as I had felt it. He manipulated the baby for what felt like a long time and finally brought the head out. He checked to see if it was alive. It was not. He delivered the baby, and maya's vagina tore a little as the baby came out. Once the baby was out we checked. It was a boy. The umbilical cord had ruptured in utero. He was beautiful and he was dead. He was premature, but not so premature that he couldn't have survived if only he had been born alive.
We let Maya sniff her baby for a few minutes while Sierra and I hugged each other and cried. Eventually, our vet gave maya some anitbiotics and some oxytocin to stimulate the release of the placenta. I took Sierra over to the gate to look at the animals while the others bagged up the baby's body. at 8am, Lynley and Sierra left to get ready for school.
We talked to our vet for a little bit. His best guess was that somehow the umbilical cord got severed, probably happened when the baby was shifting into position. The umbilical cord severed, the baby died, and that triggered Maya to go into labor.
I'm usually so happy to see our vet. I usually call him our "hunky vet"...not many men look that good in overalls. But today I'm just sad. Sad to have had to call him, sad to see him, sad for maya, sad for michael, sad for sierra, sad for the dead baby, and sad for myself.
After our vet left, Michael went to the farm store to get a bottle of penicillin. I stayed outside to watch Maya and wait for the placenta to drop. At 10:00, she was still trying to get it out, so we gave her another shot of oxytocin. The placenta dropped at 10:15, and we burried it out in the north pasture. One more hole, one more burrial, one more ending.
We're walking around like zombies. We're awake and asleep. Trying to function and not doing it very well. We took the two almost 1-year old babies to another ranch after we were sure Maya was ok. Those two babies are going to an alpaca show in Denver this weekend, and the people at the other ranch are taking them down there for us. We told them we're leaving this business, and that if anyone is interested in either of our animals to make sure to say that they're for sale. You can't have a livestock business when you get so attached, I said. You need to have a level of detachment to think of the alpacas as "just livestock" not to love them and mourn them. You can't run a business when you sell off animals like they don't have feelings and they don't care. They clearly have feelings. They do care. They show their emotions and can be sad and worried and scared and happy and joyful. They play, they fight, they love each other and they hate each other. How can you buy and sell beings who aren't so different from you?
I'm a zombie and I don't know what to do. I need to go to work, but I don't know what I'll do there. I don't know what I'll do if I stay here either. Writing the story helps me. I'm not sure I want to talk about this just yet. I am pretty numb right now, but writing this has helped.
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