love, indulgence, and integration

I love Fridays. Fridays I get to see my therapist, and I adore her. She's helped me make connections that I haven't quite been able to get to on my own; she's helped me articulate my experience by asking me to think about things in ways I normally wouldn't.

Friday I spent a lot of time talking about my upcoming road trip.

This road trip has been in the works since March, and has been symbolic of the start of the leg of my journey in life for a while. Last summer I wanted to take a solo road trip, and the plan got changed when I ended up traveling with my sisters. I had SO much fun with Courtney (Boulder to St. Louis) and Lindsey (St. Louis to Boulder) and wouldn't trade those experiences for anything, but I missed out on a chance to do something for just me, by myself.

I talked to her about how hard it was for me to be very clear that this trip was SOLO, and that no other people allowed for any part of this journey. It was hard to be selfish and do something just for me. She asked me to feel in my body what it is like to say that I want to do something for me. My heart is tight, pounding. I spoke of my head vs. heart dilemma. How my head says "being selfish is bad" even when my heart is saying "I want to take care of me. I need to take care of me." She asked me to put on the voice of my heart. Where is it, what is is saying? It is locked in a cage inside a dark closet, beating on the bars trying to get out. What is it asking for? What does it want? Adventure. It wants to dance. It wants to celebrate, and it wants to love.

Many of you have heard from me since last summer that I've been planning to shave my head. The head shaving has lots of meaning for me...doing something for ME without caring what anyone else thinks. The idea of shaving my head was an act of rebellion, of differentiation, of liberation, of selfishness. It is really interesting, but the desire to go bald has really loosened since I left the house. In march I formulated a secret plan to shave my head while I was on the road.

I spoke to my therapist about the head shaving. I spoke to her about my relationship with my hair. How I had taken 5+ years to grow it to my waist, how I cut it last summer, and how I only recently rediscovered how much I LOVE getting my haircut...how the ritual of having someone wash, cut, and style my hair is so amazing.

I spoke to my therapist about how I've been getting noticed lately. How people I've known for a long while but don't see often (certain friends, many people that I work with) have seen me recently and have told me how good I look. How I seem relaxed, more open, glowing. How people have been flirting with me, and how fun that is. How I'd forgotten how nice it is to be noticed.

Therapy this week brought up some very good points:
that I'm starting to remember and reconnect with more aspects of what it is like to be a feminine woman, and how does that fit in with shaving my head? I like my hair! I like playing with it and getting to get 2 hour haircuts. what it would be like for me to go on this trip and take time to pamper myself, to indulge (my therapist's special word for me) in things that are fun for me and have been missing from my life. could I be both a feminine woman and a strong, independent woman traveling alone? holy crap. I've been talking for a long time about trying to do both, to find the balance, to bring those two aspects together. I've never successfully done that before. I've got role models to look to, women who are amazing and strong and beautiful and soft and tough. I can do this. I don't need to shave my head to prove to myself or anyone else that I am strong. It might be a fine thing to do at some point later, but right now I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons.

I'm going to take my therapist's advice...it is time for me to indulge. She pointed out that the first word my heart-voice said was adventure. I'm going to get some spa time, some massage time, some lovely drinking tea time, some hiking time, some crazy roadside museum time, some hot springs time, some excellent meals time, some scifi geek time, some flirty fun time, some singing loudly in the car to music I like time, some book reading time, some mourning endings and celebrating new beginnings time, some just me time. It is time for me to find myself again, to get back in balance, to start the next part of my life journey not just with words, but with actions. I may be alone for a long time to come (or not) but I need to restart, reset, reclaim myself, so that I can start the next phase of my life well. I'm excited for the adventure to begin.

And Friday after therapy I spent some time researching things for my trip. I'm not going to reveal too much yet...I'm not going to plan too much yet (though I am trying to secure lodging since it will be memorial day weekend travel). It was so wonderful to get the idea in my head that I would indulge, and poof, I found all kinds of fun, quirky, luxurious places to choose from!

AND Friday after work I got to hang out with my Paulie. We drank dirty martinis and he introduced me to a new friend and we listened to music and then we walked the mall and went into an art gallery and laughed at silly jokes and went back to listen to more music and then went back to his place where we talked and laughed and watched tv and paused tv (he's got a fancy tivo) to talk and laugh and drink tequila (ok, I had 2 half-shots spread out over the evening, and that got me too tipsy to drive home) and watch more tv and talk more. I ended up crashing at Paul & Tanya's place which was just SO wonderful.

To continue with the theme of making good discoveries and re-connections here's my few summary thoughts on Friday night: 1. Goodness it has been way, WAY to long since I've gotten to spend that kind of quality time with my found cousin. I love that man, I do. 2. When I'm tipsy I like to send text messages. I really need to watch that impulse. At dinner Paul pulled out his phone and showed me a message I sent him in November (!) because he's been wondering why I would text him late at night asking him how much he could bench. My only guess was that I must have been tipsy at the time...I recognize that I do this. I know I've sent D a tipsy text with "I love you and I'm buzzed!" because I've got his reply text saved "i love you and I'm not buzzed"

so perhaps parting words for this long, long rant should be to you all who've made it though the post with "I love you (and me) and I'm not buzzed"