jury duty

I had jury duty this week. I have to admit, I was not on the super-excited end of the scale when I got the notice, but was also not of the mind to 'try to get out of it'.

The story goes like this...
There were about 50 people who had been called in. We all assembled in a big room and watched a video about how jury duty works in Colorado. Then we were all escorted to a courtroom where 25 of us were selected at random to sit in the jury box and in extra chairs lined up in front of the jury box. We were collectively asked a bunch of questions by the judge and people were dismissed and replacement people put in their seats. Next, we were each asked to answer a list of questions in front of everyone else (name, age, education, where/how employed, how long have we lived in Colorado/Boulder County, hobbies, what we watch on TV/listen to on the radio). Then the prosecutor and defense attorney took turns questioning each of us. Then they made their selections about who not to include by having a paper with our names shuttled back and forth between them. When the list of 13 was read, and my name was on the list. There were 13 of us, 12 plus one alternate. We didn't know who the alternate was, so we all were treated and acted equally. After jury selection, we were released for a lunch break and the trial began after lunch. We heard testimony and saw evidence for 3 days, and the case ended late morning on Thursday. We were told we were not allowed to discuss the case with each other or with anyone else to keep us from forming opinions or being influenced by anyone.

We found out who the alternate was right before we went into deliberations. We were in deliberations for several hours. Some of the counts we discussed for a very long time, and even sent a question back to the judge. I feel we really were starting with the belief of innocence until proven guilty. The whole process of trial by jury is so fascinating...that 12 strangers could be randomly brought together to try to fairly determine whether or not the prosecutor has adequately demonstrated beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant is guilty.

It was a very interesting experience, I learned a lot, and I feel really good about our judicial system after having been a part of it. I am really in love with this crazy country I live in. The defendant is innocent until proven guilty. The burden of proof is on the prosecution, and they must prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. A reasonable doubt is a doubt which would make a reasonable person to hesitate to act in matters of great importance. Wow. The system of trial by jury is really something to be proud about.

thanksgiving

I'm in St. Louis right now, visiting with the family for Thankgiving. I feel so lucky to be able to be home. I know, I know, "lucky" isn't a feeling. I left on Tuesday and drove Boulder to Lawrence, KS. I made really good time, only exiting the highway 10 minutes in Colby, KS for gas, and another 10 minutes in Salina for a peebreak. Total trip time, 8.25 hours. I stayed in Lawrence at a friend of a friend's house and drove with Steve (the friend of a friend) to St. Louis on Wednesday.

The first day back was challenging, but things have been really great the last few days. It has been so nice to see my parents, my grandparents, and my sibs. The last 2 nights I've stayed up WAY too late in snuggle puddles with my sibs watching dvds.

I ate WAY too much at the Thanksgiving dinner, but well, that doesn't seem too surprising. My contribution to the meal was an ugly, but tasty apple pie.

Yesterday, we went to my grandma Betty's gravesite for her headstone unveiling. I can't believe she's been gone 11 months.

Over the last 2 days, I taught my sister Courtney how to knit, and realized how far I've progressed on the knitting learning curve since I learned how in February. I see how she's getting stuck and struggling, and I remember why it took me months and months to complete my first scarf. Hats are SO much easier. I just started making a new scarf with a fancypants cable pattern with two cables on one side, three cables on the other with a seed stich border. This is by far the most complex thing I've ever attempted. There is a pattern that is 12-rows long before it repeats. I think this one might take a while. I'm making it from some gorgeous oatmeal colored wool, Cascade Yarns EcoWool #9008 .

So the drama story in brief: My house is currently being "rented". I put that in quotes because the people who are currently living in my house signed a contract and moved in over a month ago, but haven't actually paid anything. Yes, their security deposit check bounced, their October rent check bounced, and they didn't even bother writing a check for November rent. I'm working with my property management company to get them evicted, but it won't even go to court for another week.
sigh...

Another highlight was breakfast with Doug and Susie! Yay for seeing good friends! :)

Tomorrow I drive back from St. Louis to Boulder, approx. 13 hours and 870 miles.

excel geeks r us

This has been a crazy, emotional, interesting week. I don't want to go on and on about work, but well, there was some stuff going on there this week.

Monday I went up to the Longmont house to sell a piece of farm equipment. It was weird being on my property and not being able to go into the house (it is being rented). The new tenants have dogs and chickens and goats and a horse. It was so weird to see animals running around the yard that aren't mine. More letting go!

For my Tuesday story, I need to give some background. Part of my job is to create and maintain the instructional budget for the department. The instructional budgeting process begins about a year in advance of when it is needed. So I (and all the other people in my position at my university) are in the midst of budget creation for 2008-2009. We had heard from Academic Affairs that there would be a new budget creation process this year and that changes were coming. A few weeks ago, we had a presentation of the proposed new budget process. The meeting was helpful to hear about how the current process has been a beast for the folks in AA and they really need to simplify some stuff to make their work more managable. That seemed very reasonable. However, when it came down to actually looking at the proposed spreadsheet formats, there were a bunch of things that just didn't make sense to me...some things would be simplified for the folks in AA, but a lot more work would be put on the plates of the folks in the departments. I had some ideas about what could make things better, and met with the Dean to talk about what could be done. I found out that I know a lot more about Microsoft Excel that she did, and I ended up creating a bunch of new and exciting formulas and pivot tables and other fancy stuff to automatically grab data and put it in the summary format that AA needs. I got to geek out doing excel stuff for a few hours last week, and on Tuesday, she and I presented the new spreadsheets to the group of people who will actually be using the spreadsheets. I was shocked that people actually "ooh"ed and "aah"ed and applauded. I wasn't expecting that. All they have to do is cut and paste their data into the template and add data to one new column, and the template formulas do the rest. I'm pretty proud of myself, and pretty excited that I was able to create a new system/process that will benefit a bunch of people at my workplace by reducing workload. I got people talking about excel, and people are asking me to do some excel training. It was fun to do the excel geek thing, and fun to demonstrate how it works...a nice reminder that I do enjoy teaching. I hope that I do get an opportunity to teach others skills that will be useful to them. Ah, geekitude.

Wednesday was Halloween...one of my favorite nights of the year. YAY!

Thursday, I said goodbye to one of my staff. I'm really sad to see her go. I learned a lot from working with her. I learned a lot about myself and also about how I want to be. She has some amazing qualities that I would like to work on in myself. Sigh.

After work on Thursday, I drove up to my house in Longmont to talk to my un-responsive tenants. I will be very glad when that house is sold!

Yesterday, I went to say farewell to Pokie, her baby Sophi, and Amcharo. Today I said my last goodbye to them. I met up with the people from Kansas who have purchased them at the ranch where Amcharo was boarded. They had already gotten Pokie and Sophi. The hardest part was seeing Dash trying to follow Amcharo as he was being led away. I was glad to meet the Kansans...they seem like good people. They said that anytime I want an update on them or photos, or want to come visit, just to let them know. I feel better about saying goodbye knowing they are going to go someplace where they will be loved.

update on my life

So it has been over a month since I've blogged and so much has gone on. I don't have email access outside of work, so my emailing and blogging have become incredibly irregular.

My divorce papers were filed with the Boulder County courts last Friday. The divorce will be finalized in mid-January, 2008. Michael and I had a really sweet evening together last Friday and then said good bye. He left on Saturday for parts unknown, with his truck and a few possessions that he has chosen to keep. Saying goodbye on Friday night was hard. It was sad. I've been crying a lot lately. I'm sad to say goodbye to someone who has been my friend and my partner for over a decade. And as sad as I am, I know it is the right thing for me. I know it is time for me to continue on my journey without him.

Mixed up in all this, I've started exploring a new relationship. Yes, I know, "what?!" Starting something new as my marriage ends wasn't what I had in mind when I left. And yet, my heart is called.

Things at work have been totally crazy. One of my staff is leaving next week, and we haven't even posted the ad for her job yet due to some complex bureaucratic stuff. So as she's been phasing out, I've been picking up duties that normally wouldn't be part of my daily work.

The house got rented last week, and we've sold several alpacas in the last month. Trying to sell the herd has been another source of work and emotion There has been a lot of phone calls, emails, and paperwork along with lots of crying as my babies are getting sold. Pocahontes was sold to some people in Kansas, but is still here because she was so close to her due date. Pokie delivered a healthy baby girl 2 weeks ago which was great, but she's not my girl and never will be. I've been up to the place where she's boarded twice to see the baby. Amcharo will be going to Kansas, too. Maya is going to be moving to south Denver. We've still got some left, but my kids are now spread out at 5 different ranches.

I've been sick twice in the last month, once out for a week with stomach flu and now I've got some yucky sniffles. I never get sick, so to get hit like this twice in a month is a clear signal that I need to slow down. Last weekend I slept most of the day Saturday and has a pretty mellow Sunday reading and watching the snow (yes, the first snow was Oct. 21!) It was really my first down time in over a month (see last blog). I just bought some yarn to start a new project this weekend, and I hope to have time to hang out with friends.

I seem to be at the edge of a lot lately...on the edge of physical exhaustion, on the edge of emotional exhaustion, and on the edge of severe hermitude. I'm sorry to my friends who keep reaching out and getting silence. I hope this will change in the next few days. I plan to catch up on email and phone calls, as long as my nose and throat let me.

So that is the update on my life, the exciting, painful, interesting stuff that has been going on for the last month. I hope to write more frequently than once a month, but right now, I can't make any promises.

exhausted foodie

So, I'm still in pseudo hermity space, but I'm also living in exhausted land. I've been waking up before the sun and driving to Longmont to care for my critters while Michael is out of town. There's been stuff going on at work that has been an emotional drain, and lots of feelings of guilt and sadness. I've been so tired all the time lately.

Maybe it is my usual early fall mode. This seems familiar, the feeling of needing to nourish myself, recharge. The weather is changing, and it is making my eating out of whack...there is still lots of summery veggies coming every week: peppers, tomatoes, summer squash. And I want to make soups and cassaroles and roast things in the oven. I want bread--heavy crusty garlicy bread. And pasta. And beans. Bean soup with crusy bread and a nice salad. That is what I want.

I made the most fabulous food on monday. I made a "tomato tart": Puff pastry covered in grated parmesan cheese then baked until golden. While the crust is baking, the tomatoes are salted so they can extrude liquid. Once the crust is cooked and cooled, it is covered in shredded mozzarella cheese, then the tomatoes are "shingled" on top, then the tomatoes are brushed with garlic infused olive oil. Then the whole thing is baked. My goodness...this was amazing. It wasn't much work...the hardest part was slicing the roma tomatoes, and not eating the crust once it came out of the oven...flaky pastry covered in nutty, golden parmesan?! Heavenly.

I also made mac & cheese...2 kinds of mac & cheese. and this isn't from-a-box stuff, but the real deal. Make the sauce yourself mac & cheese. Which really, isn't hard. 1.5 Tablespoons butter and 1.5 Tablespoons flour in a pan heated up together on med-low heat until the butter is melted and done foaming. Mix well with a wisk or fork. Then add 1 cup milk while mixing. Let the milk start to get bubbly, but not boiling (you don't want the sauce to break). Once it is bubbly and thickened add in 1 cup (or more) shredded cheese. I love to use Tilamook cheddar or Tilamook pepper jack. The pepper jack mac & cheese is so amazing.

And salad is so lovely this time of year...the weather is cool so lettuce is back. And kale! And chard! and soon the beets will be out too. And the butternut squash. I can't wait to make butternut squash risotto again...yum!

Yesterday I had a snack at a lovely restaurant downtown. I had TOASTED RAVIOLI! For those of you not from the midwest, toasted ravioli is the best. Sadly, it is almost always meat-filled. So since I've gone meatless and have traveled back to the motherland, I've been unable to eat this age-old favorite. But I found wonderful ricotta toasted ravioli in downtown Boulder. Now, this is a pretty fancy, expensive version of toasted ravioli, but it was vegetarian. And for a once-in-a-while satisfaction of a food craving, well worth the price ($3 for two large pieces at happy hour).

Ooh, and last weekend, I made grape jelly. Yes I did. I made jelly! From concord grapes that came from the longmont garden. JELLY! me, I did it. I just need to make some biscuits now to eat my jelly with. mmm, biscuits and jelly. If I wasn't meatless, I'd be throwing some fried bologna on those jelly biscuits. Sigh.

Wow, I've been wiped out, and apparantly starving. I had no idea. See, I knew I needed to write. I think so much better when I'm writing. I'm back in touch with my foodie domestic diva inner goddess. And time to start knitting. Winter's a comin'!

hermitude

I find myself going into that dark, musty place of hermitude. The place that is cozy and warm and alone. Not lonely, but alone. I need some recharge time, some loving myself time, some making soap and baking and cooking and cleaning up and organizing my stuff time.

I've been doing a lot with and for others the last two weeks, but I haven't had much alone time. So I've been hiding in longmont for a bunch of hours today. Hiding in a house that is still sort of mine, peeking at my animals from the window. Wanting to love on them, but not wanting to be around anyone.

I'm full of shoulds today. I should be doing all sorts of things. I have lists and lists of things that I should do. Lists and lists of things that I should be. Lists and list of things that I should feel. I'm tired of the shoulds. Tired of the guilt that goes along with the shoulds.

So I'm not going to be a good friend today. I'm not going to be a good companion or sibling or roommate. I'm not going to be a good (insert any of the other labels that I have here). I'm going to be a hermit and hide and bake and maybe make soap and pet a cat and pay some bills and maybe make a face mask or maybe none of those things. If I don't answer you today, it's just because I'm being hermity.

busy busy two weeks

The last 2 weeks have been busy busy busy. We had orientation week Aug 20-24, then I was at Shambhala Mountain Center for our orientation weekend Aug 24-26, then I came back on the 26th and helped out on the farm because Michael was irrigating. Then the First week of School happened.

This first week was SO busy! I think part of it was not having any workstudy help, part of it was having one of my staff out on the east coast for a family emergency, and part of it was just the crazy busy wonderfulness of the first week.

I am so happy to have everyone back! I love the crazy start of the school year, the running around, the reliability of the breakdown of the photocopier, the energy of everyone coming back refreshed and re-inspired. I'm hoping to sleep a lot this weekend...it hasn't happened yet, but I'm hoping it will :)

I was able to only work a half-day on friday and then spend part of the afternoon cleaning my friend Kash's apartment. For those of you who know and love him, and those of you who don't, please keep him and his family in your thoughts. John and I have Kash's companion, Mystic Magic Ninja Kitty Princess at our place for a while. She's so wonderful and cuddly!

I haven't written in 2 weeks, and I'm feeling like I'm just dumping, but there will be more, better stories soon.

Other news...I had a little accident with my phone, and now my phone is dead, dead, dead. I'm using a temporary phone while waiting for a new one to arrive in the mail in the next week.

Along with my phone being dead, all the numbers that were stored in my phone are gone. really really gone.

So I need your number! call me, email me, text me...I have a few numbers in my head, but for many of my friends...I don't know how to reach you!

almost there...

My friend Bryan came in from Alabama to visit and I took off part of Weds-Fri this week to be with him. It was wonderful to see him and spend time with him. I was sad to see him leave today.

However, Monday is the start of Orientation Week, so I have/had lots to do, and today was the day to do it. I am so So SO excited to meet the new students! I'm such a junkie.

Since I missed out on a bunch of work this week, I came in today. so I'm getting ready to leave work, and since my wireless has been spotty I'm writing from my office. Yes, it is 8:20 on a Sunday night. I've been here since 2pm.

The last thing I did before ending my "work" for the day was to clean up my office. I found a folder marked "to be filed" and looked through it. In there I found a sign up sheet "1st Year Student Check In with Jennie and John" with the names of the group that graduated in May. I started crying. I'm getting misty all over again. I can't believe 3 years has gone by so fast. I can't believe this is my 4th fall in my job. So much has changed and so much has stayed the same. It is time to go home and eat dinner and make a candle from the pieces of wax filled with the intentions of the Class of 2007. It is time to let them go and let myself open to a new year.

what if the world ends, how will I tell the time?

I'm in a strange mood. A giddy, giggly mood. An anticipatory mood, waiting for the sky to get darker and the meteor shower to begin mood. A pester my roommate while he's trying to read mood. A bouncy abundance too many containers of fizzy liquid in my trunk mood.

This evening I went to a friend's birthday potluck picnic at a local park. I brought drinks and macaroni salad. When I say that I brought drinks, I should say that I brought a lot of drinks. When I was at the grocery store, they were having a Buy 2 get 2 free sale. So I got 8 2-liter bottles of various drinks (3 kinds of flavored fizzy water, 1 plain fizzy water, 2 root beers, 1 dr. pepper, and a ginger ale) and two bottles of berry lemonade. Is anyone thirsty? So at the picnic, we only opened one bottle of plain fizzy and one raspberry lemonade and made little fruity fizzy water drinks. I now have 7 unopened 2-liter bottles of fizzy liquid, one half-used fizzy bottle, an unopened strawberry lemonade, and a half-used raspberry lemonade. Um...what was I thinking?! I suppose I wasn't. I was thinking that I was thirsty, and it was really hot outside, and that there would be other hot, thirsty people wanting something nice and cool to drink, too.

Luckily, I have people coming over tomorrow night for our weekly dinner and movie night (K & J, don't bring drinks!)

ah, neurosis, what fun.

A friend's blog got me thinking about aspects of 'growing up' and how it is expected that magic and fantasy must disappear from our lives in order to be 'grown up'. Stupid cultural norms. Nobody wants to really give up magic. I had some good thoughts on this earlier, so I'm going to quote a piece of my comment on that blog

"Growing up doesn't mean realizing the magic isn't there...growing up can mean recognizing that a lot of magic is inside YOU, that you can create magic, that you can believe it, that you can choose to see it, that you can create it for others. ??Your own magic doesn't cease to exist because suddenly you're a grown up. Even in Peter Pan, grown ups could fly if they could get past their own mental blocks. AHA! I've stumbled on something here...I think a lot of 'grown ups' set up mental blocks around magic, they buy into some image of what a grown up should be...power suit and fancy title are the things to aspire to have, right? Crap, I went through a whole phase like, myself. I'm too big and grown up for (insert anything you like here)." ?

So here's to magic and silly giggly fizzy liquids. and by the way, we have no functioning clocks in the apartment now other than cell phone clocks. I hate being so dependent on that technology. What happens if there is a cell tower blackout? If the world ends, how will I tell the time?

sleepy sleepy peep

i realized today that i am not taking super great care of me. i'm not taking bad care of me, just not great care. i'm wiped out and need to sleep more. i haven't been to the gym in ages. i have friends I want to call and talk to and blogs to read and comments to post and blogs to post and comments to read and i don't have the time. the next few days are about conscious reset, connecting with friends, connecting with me, and doing a little self-care and pampering.

endings suck

so it is 9pm on saturday night, i'm at my work trying to schedule a meeting for monday or tuesday, but the server seems to be down on all my office building computers. strangely, wireless is working (after having no wireless in my building for the last 2 weeks). strangeness. Wireless at my apartment has disappeared, and right now, I'm just not willing to take on one more expense. Maybe in a few months when other spending is more regular I'll be willing, but right now it is the principle of the thing. I just won't. harumph. so blogging will be sporadic...not the end of the world.

This has been a week of a lot of goodbyes. My friend and found-cousin Paul left this week for the west coast. He and his wonderful partner T will be traveling for months, and may never permanently return to Boulder. I don't know when I'll see him again. He's one of my best friends and I miss him terribly already. Just knowing he's not up the street makes me sad. No more happy hours with him at the St. Ju or hangouts at his place staying up late into the night with the munchies and DVR.

Earlier this week, we met with and signed with our real estate agents. The house will be on the market next weekend. Today and Sunday we're garage sale-ing a ton of stuff at the longmont house. I got up at 5:15am today to get up to the house before the start of the 7am sale. I'll be doing same tomorrow. My gorgeous yellow room is being painted white.

I found out yesterday that one of my chickens, Stripe, died earlier this week.

We sold Brinca. She was picked up later in the afternoon by her new family. I started crying about 10 seconds after they pulled away. I went out to open a gate for the animals and ended up sitting down in the pen with my face in my hands sobbing. I've been crying on and off since. When doing evening chores, I went out into the big pasture with the girls and sat in the grass and talked to my animals and cried. I told them I was sorry for not being able to continue to care for them. I was sorry I wasn't going to be able to see the new baby, Kombucho, grow up. I was sorry I wouldn't be there for their entire lives like I thought I might be. Pokie is due in the fall, and her belly is getting bigger...I could see the baby moving and I talked to that unborn baby saying I was sorry that I might never get to meet it out in the world.

endings suck.

frazzle

I have been one busy girl! One busy girl with no internet access!

I took the week off to take care of some things that I've been needing to take care of (airport driving, birthday celebrating, birthday celebration recovery time, furniture moving, etc.)

Tomorrow I drive 14 hours to St. Louis to see my folks, see my friend Nick (YAY!), and see a free Ani DiFranco concert down by the Arch on the riverfront in the continuation of my birthday celebration. I've got much left to do and not a lot of time to do it, so there will be more blogging (maybe) from STL.

Also, for those of you who know my friend Adam, please keep him and his family in your thoughts/prayers...his father died in a car accident at the beginning of the week.

boing!

So life can bring you what you need when you need it. Last night my roommate and I had a movie night with some friends at out place, and it was SO fun. I had so desperately needed fun. We had pizza and ice cream and popcorn and I made cookies. We hung out and talked and talked for a long while and then watched Harry Potter 2, 3, and 4 (that's 7.5 hours of movie alone). I love, love, love hosting events that go so well, where friends from different circles get together and have a good time. I loved making cookies and getting silly and laughing and being playful and bouncing back out of the pit of dark sadness that I've been in for the last 3 weeks into love and light and joy. I had so little sleep last night, but the boost I got from last night has given me so much energy that I'm still bounding around cheery and happy.

Today I saw M's parents and our nephews and went to see "Ratatouille". It was a good movie that poked at a few of my hotspots, and it was good to see my nephews. After the movie we got some food and then went back to the house in Longmont. We romped with the alpacas for a while and then I played with the 7 year old on our mini trampoline by running across the room, jumping on the trampoline and bouncing off (sometimes with a mid-air twist)...BOING! Bouncing back on out of the dark pit of sadness.

And bouncing out doesn't mean there won't be more sadness, just that I'm not constantly in that deep, dark place (for now). It is so nice to feel good and to feel good about myself. I had forgotton what it was like.

I've started my traditional re-read of the entire Harry Potter series before the release of the next (and last) book. Re-reading the books has got me thinking of the time the last book was released. The last book, Half-Blood Prince, was released on my birthday 2 years ago...it was a weird birthday full of happy waiting at the bookstore until midnight for the release of the book followed by Harry Potter reading until 4am followed by waking up in the morning to learn that our 1-month old baby alpaca was dying and driving to south denver to get him and take him to the vet hospital in Ft. Collins and staying with him and mom, Angel for hours and agonizing over the decision of whether or not to euthanize him. That was a pretty crappy birthday, actually.

I'm a week away from my 30th birthday. This year, no death allowed.

layers of sad

ok, so I'm sad lady these days. sorry to bum you all out. I'm leaning into the sadness, really feeling it, and not numbing out or distracting myself.

My cousin-friend Paul is moving away at the end of July. My friend Chad is moving away in 2 weeks. I am getting divorced. so layers and layers of sad.

M's parents and our nephews arrive today. I know there will be awkwardness and sadness, but I'm looking forward to seeing those boys. They are 10 and 7, and I hope I get to play legos with them, but I probably won't get to.

So I am princess cries a lot and my picture is my dead cat and my song is a sad one. I'll come back out of the hole soon, I promise.

At least I finally finished the book that I had been reading that was all doom and gloom. Next I start the re-read of all the Harry Potter books in preparation for the new one coming out.

If you want cheering up, go read Aunt Purl. I love her photos of zukes.

back from the blogout. yes, I'm an addict.

I got back Sunday night from my trip to Boston. While in Boston I had essentially no internet access. I did get online 2-3 times for around 5-10 min, but that was only to check essential stuff (confirming a work interview thing and checking my plane times). So I experienced a myspace and blog and email blackout for 6 days. (those of you who've sent worried emails or have felt neglected, it was the lack of internet access).

It was interesting to watch my mind around the whole thing. The first night I wandered around the BFF's condo with my laptop desperately looking for wireless that wasn't password protected. Alas, there was none. Looking at myself walking around trying to find a connection helped me see how HOOKED I am on this internet thing. Hello, my name is Jennie, and I'm an internet addict.

It was also interesting to get out of the Boulder bubble. I know I live in a bubble, I do. But I forget just HOW different Boulder is from other parts of the US. Maybe it was being on the east coast, maybe it was being with the BFF, probably both things. It was good to get out of Boulder and remember that not everyone is an olympic athlete, 97% of the population is NOT white, many people don't recycle (and there are places where you can't even find recycle bins if you want to recycle), local & organic foods are not as easy to find as one might think, what we think of as expensive real estate in Boulder is laughable compared to some other cities, and wow, I really am liberal.

For those who were wondering about my sister, she ROCKED those boards and she's now an official nurse. Yes, us Hyatt girls are Pretty AND Smart.

Spending time with the BFF was SO fun. It was so good to reconnect and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. On my arrival day, I got there in mid-afternoon, and we talked for 7 hours straight. We did some touristy stuff (whale watching, clam chowda eatin', downtown walking, more seafood eatin', going to the planetarium, and going to see Laser U2). We talked and talked and talked. Ok, we talked a lot. The BFF is such a good mirror for me...I see what my life could be if I had made some different choices. I see that my choices have taken me on a path that has helped me express parts of me that have always been there. I see in her the best (and sometimes the worst) in me. She helps me remember that I'm smart, I'm capable. She reminds me of the things I've done well, and reminds me of my patterns. I also see in her things I wish I could be...

And I've been dreaming a lot lately. Dreaming of friends that I miss, dreaming of people that I care about. There have also been worrying dreams too. An apocalyptic dream, another dream where one of my students dies (someone I saw today at a work meeting, so I know he's alive). Maybe I need to finish the book I'm reading that has a lot of world ending stuff in it.

And back to the BFF visit. My nerdiness quotient seemed to skyrocket...back to old patterns, I think. At the planetarium show, they did a demo and the person leading it made an incorrect statement calling the part of the moon that is in shadow the "dark side". The dark side of the moon is the side of the moon that is never facing the earth. For those not up on their astronomy, the moon rotates in such a way that only one side of the moon ever faces the earth, the other side is the "dark side". So I grumbled about that. And before the laser show, they had some info about lasers in a slide show, and one of the slides said "the laser is made of Argon and Krypton gas"...really the slide should have said "THIS laser is made of Argon..." because lasers can be made of a wide range of materials, not just gasses. There are semiconductor and even solid state lasers. grumble, grumble. LASER, by the way, stands for light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation. whew, now my brain is spinning off remembering the time in grad school when I started asking questions of my profs (he was a chemist). He had talked about lasers in class, and some of the info he gave didn't make sense to me...it seemed he explained some things wrong. he wasn't convinced that I was right...turns out I was and he made corrections in the next class. Yup, Hyatt girls are smart and pretty.

frazzle

I have been one busy girl! One busy girl with no internet access!

I took the week off to take care of some things that I've been needing to take care of (airport driving, birthday celebrating, birthday celebration recovery time, furniture moving, etc.)

Tomorrow I drive 14 hours to St. Louis to see my folks, see my friend Nick (YAY!), and see a free Ani DiFranco concert down by the Arch on the riverfront in the continuation of my birthday celebration. I've got much left to do and not a lot of time to do it, so there will be more blogging (maybe) from STL.

Also, for those of you who know my friend Adam, please keep him and his family in your thoughts/prayers...his father died in a car accident at the beginning of the week.

heading to boston

I love having external reference points. I love keeping this blog as a way of tracking those reference points.

Tomorrow I leave for Boston to visit the BFF (ya know, best friend FOREVER). Last May, I went to Nashville for the BFF's graduation from medical school and blogged about my ritualized pre-travel freakout which includes cleaning, shopping, and running other errands that don't really need to happen right before I leave town when I have other things to do.

And, I realized that as I've been patting myself on the back for doing such a good job of NOT having a pre-travel freakout, I've been doing all the pre-travel freakout stuff. This morning, I went to the mall to return a pair of pants I bought a month ago. I could have waited 5 more days until after my trip to do this, but I didn't. And while I was at the mall, there was a sale at Victoria's Secret, and well, I need new underwear, right? and they only have a sale every 6 months, and well, I was able to get 3 bras for $50, when they normally cost $34 each! Ok, fine, I could have gone shopping with the BFF in Boston, but it felt like I needed to take care of this stuff NOW.

And I cleaned out almost all the stuff from the trunk of the car that has been sitting in there for months. And I started to organize my closet...sigh.

In some way, it is comforting to have this ritual, to have this thing that I can count on, an internal crazy clock that says "now it is time to clean and shop".

I'm looking forward to the trip, to seeing the BFF. I haven't seen her since last May, and we don't do a good job of staying in touch via phone or email between visits. But we've got that connection going back years and years that whenever we get together things just fall into place. She's doing her residency now at Mass General Hospital. Crazy to think that she's a PhD and MD and this was her dream going way, way back, and she's DOING IT. I just hope she's happy. I guess I'll find out :) I'm so excited to see her!

Boston could be interesting to explore, as I've only been there once before the spring break my junior year (or maybe senior year) in high school to check out Boston University. That trip was just me and Dad. It was the first time I felt like an adult. I was looking at college and my Dad wasn't treating me like a kid. We ate clam chowder, I drank coffee for the first time, I got a nosebleed on the T (public transit). I remember walking around on Harvard's campus and seeing some of the historical stuff in Boston, and thinking that there was a real chance that I could move to this old, American city and live there for several years. It will be interesting to go back and be in that city 12-13 years later.

thinking about my sister

thinking good, happy, gonna pass her boards thoughts for my sister, Lindsey. Keep her in your thoughts...she's got a BIG test on Tues, June 26 and I think she's nervous. She's so smart, she's going to be fine...just needs to relax!

to winter park and back

I went to Brooks and Lisa's Wedding this weekend up near Winter Park. So beautiful...the whole thing! I drove John up there and back (2 hours each way) and we caravaned with Dolly & Adam. We had lots of time in the car to contemplate on the nature of the world. Here's some highlights of the topics we touched on:

• amerigo vespucci--who was he? a map maker? an explorer? *
• relationships. lessons from the past.
• why I'm really, really sad that Chad is moving away
• the joy of beef jerky...mmm, salty. (no, I didn't have any, but I sure did sniff it!)
• how beautiful the wedding was. How happy we are for Lisa and Brooks (the Witters!)
• incubus
• the part of the reception where I cried and cried
• the history of the philly cheese steak and how long has cheez whiz really been around? **
• how cool Adam is, and how much we love Dolly.
• melty, melty reeces peanut butter cups (and how to eat them without glopping chocolate all over yourself and/or the car
• my upcoming trip to Boston
• the kinds of nintendo games I played when I was a kid (remember the Chip n' Dale Rescue Rangers game? oh, yes, I was a dork, too. But a dork with much younger siblings. My brother wanted me to beat that game. I think I did, too.)
• why would anyone name their hot sauce company "Captain Spongefoot"?! maybe becasue it is super, super funny. I crack up every time I say it.

*Amerigo Vespucci, explorer, was credited by a german mapmaker as the first one to "discover" the "new world" and thus the Americas were named.

**The philly cheese steak was created sometime in the 1930s. Cheez Whiz, a traditional topping on the cheese steak, was introduced around 1958. Looking into the history of Cheez Whiz lead me to some inadvertent information about Velveeta. This 'cheese food' has been marketed since 1923. There are some funfacts about Velveeta on these site:
http://www.monroecheesefestival.com/history.shtml
http://www.kraftfoods.com/Velveeta/Timeline

i am not a fan of rollercoasters

i am not a fan of roller-coasters. I've never liked them, even as a kid. I think since I was a small child, I wasn't tall enough to ride them. I don't really remember. As a teen and adult, when I've tried them, it seems they are not built for my body, or my body is not built for them.

Once at disneyland a few years ago (i really did like going there when i lived in SoCal) Michael and I went on some snowy mountain-theme one. The "lap" strap hit me across my stomach and not my lap, so every time the thing jerked, the seatbelt hit my diaphragm and forced the air out. It was probably only a 2-minute ride, but gasping for air for that long is really not much fun. I did try to fix the belt, but couldn't undo it or force it lower.

Most other times I've been on roller-coasters, I walk away with big headaches. I think they mess with my inner ears. I dunno. Me and roller-coasters, we don't get along.

So why roller-coasters? Because I feel like I've been riding one lately. Up, down, up, down, sometimes a loop gets thrown in there. This emotional roller-coaster is really not much fun. It is leaving me exhausted. Yesterday is a prime example: llama shearing in the morning went better than expected, went to work and had a long talk with my boss about some stuff going on that left me feeling really sad, came home and had an awesome, incredible evening of food and games with friends, after the friends left, talked to my roommate about the stuff I talked to my boss about and felt sad, sad, sad. I have no gaps these days...my time is filled up so much that I ride the roller-coaster and I'm only half-feeling it sometimes. I want to be able to feel it all fully, to experience it all fully. I need to have more space between things, particularly between the things that I know have big emotions attached. I need to pull the break and slow down.

It is 9:30pm, and I'm going to start getting ready for bed. Step #1 in slowing down is getting more sleep and going to bed at a reasonable time at least one night this week!

aunt purl is funnier than yellow me

If you want to laugh out loud, read today's Crazy Aunt Purl blog. She cracks me up. http://crazyauntpurl.com/

my adventures today can't compare to Purl.

I went to the indian market today just to get some chickpea flour (besan) and ended up leaving with besan PLUS samosas, mint chutney, a giant jar of mixed pickle, and soan papdi. I'm not planning to make indian food anytime soon...or at least, i wasn't. maybe now i will. maybe that will be the next game night dinner... we'll see. OOOH. then I can make cheese. :) YAY.

Tonight I made salsa for tomorrow. And I'm having an at-home all-natural 'spa' pamper time. I made a face mask with turmeric and besan, and then put on a layer of yogurt mixed with honey. I really don't know if this worked, but well, can't hurt, right. at least i'm not still yellow. I couldn't bring myself to take a picture of myself covered in deep yellow goo. Maybe next time...

i need to eat a snack, and i need to go to bed.

read aunt purl. she's much funnier than I am today. she really, really is. i'm serious. go read her now.

girl talk

so I'm gonna rant. you don't want to hear it, then go read some other blog.

here I freaking go, again. falling back into an old pattern. every time i think i've got it beat, i find out i've got more to learn. today i recognized that I'm being one of the guys again. not guys as in 'people' but guys as in boys. who is it that I'm becoming friends with among the recent grads? all guys. there are some awesome women that I want to hang with...but somehow that is more work, more effort, more risk than hanging out with the guys and just being with them. why is it that being one of the guys is easy for me? more for me to consider, more for me to work on, more to take to therapy.

I have been working on being comfortable with being feminine, too. It really is a constant struggle for me to be strong and feminine at the same time. I was talking to John about this earlier today, and we started ranting about how irritating it is when women act stupid and weak in order to attract men. Somehow being dumb and weak is appealing? Who wants to stay trapped in a tower waiting for the guy to come along and rescue you? Because the fucking patriarchy (our society) says that is what women are supposed to do? If I do get stuck in a tower, I'll climb down my own hair, dammit! I don't need to wait for anyone to save me. I'm saving myself. This doesn't mean that I don't want to have a partner; it doesn't mean that it isn't nice to have someone to share life's struggles with; it doesn't mean that you can't be cared for (or take care of someone). But I'm tired of buying into the idea that women are weaker, that we're not as smart, that we're in any way less than.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to prove myself all the time. To prove that I'm smart enough, strong enough, tough enough. Enough for what? for whom? I want the base assumption that I'm smart and strong and capable, not the other way around. I try to start with that assumption...start with high expectations of people. Not that I expect that everyone will have the same foundational knowledge or physical or emotional capacity as me, but that people will tell me what their limits are, not have me set up limits for them. I want to be met in the world this way, and I'm not. I experience suffering because I want the world to be something other than it is. I experience suffering because I don't accept myself. I experience suffering when I doubt myself, I doubt my own intellect, my own strength, my own capability. I breathe in all this suffering and I breathe out a moment of relaxing with things just as they are.

hay in every orifice

well, ok, I don't have hay in EVERY orifice, but there is hay in my nose and throat and ears and in my pants and down my top.

the pasture was cut and cured last week, and baled yesterday. 142 bales this year. I was up at the house yesterday and Michael and I got quite a workout. I drove the truck with a borrowed flatbed trailer attached, and he walked behind and chucked hay bales onto the flatbed. Once we got the flatbed and the truck bed loaded, we drove around to the hay barn and then unloaded hay off the trailer and into the barn. This means each bale was handled 3 times. I started out carrying bales into the barn as he tossed them down. After a while, we traded places and I tossed them off the trailer and he stacked them. After we got the load off, we started all over in the pasture and got a second load of 65-70 bales. We were really wiped out, and it was getting dark, so we only emptied the truck bed.

I went back up to the house after work and we finished unloading and stacking the hay. I was surprisingly not sore today, though my biceps are feeling it now.

I'm going back up there tomorrow morning to be on baby watch. Angel is close, and the baby is clearly in position. She's changed shape, she's laying around a lot, and the baby sometimes pushes against her perineal area making it bulge. At least I know the baby is alive right now. This is the first year I haven't dreamed about any alpaca babies. Every year since we've owned them, I've dreamed about the babies before they were born. My dreams weren't always accurate about color, but they were always right about gender. No alpaca dreams this year. I think this is a bad sign. I have a feeling about tomorrow...maybe it will be the birth day. I feel called to be there tomorrow. There is no real reason, no logic to explain it, but I feel I need to go.

sticky liquid

so it is 1:30am, and I'm WIDE awake. I took a 2 hour nap today. I didn't mean to nap for that long, but it happened. So now, here i am randomly musing with random capitalIzation.

i had a conversation with john guy about the sticky liquid that the jarred cactus is in. I've got a jar of cactus (nopalitos) (yum) in the fridge, and he wanted to try one of my crazy favorites, eggs with nopales. I told him about the sticky liquid in the jar. that when i cook fresh cactus, the cactus naturally oozes sticky liquid, so not to be afraid of the sticky liquid in the jar. and then i realized that I like saying sticky liquid. fun words to say over and over. sticky liquid sticky liquid sticky liquid. ok. enough of that.

the power was out at work today, so i didn't work. no phone service because we've got digital phones. it reminded me of the time when there was a power out in the summer a few years back and nick b was a workstudy in tcp and came over to my office to hang out in the semi-dark with me. good times. miss you nick b!

and it keeps feeling like the weekend today since there was no work and i took a nap, but it is thursday. i've got a long, long day tomorrow at September School and i'm happy to do the prep work for the event, but not really excited about the schmooze part that i'll have to do once the event starts. 5-9pm is a long time to schmooze with highschoolers, their parents, and alumni. the good part is that dolly will be there the whole time, so we might get to talk a bit, but since we're both on the board of directors, we've really got to be chatting up the people there. blargh.

and my babygirl, Angel, is due any day now. i fell for her when she was a tiny baby herself, and bought her when she was 6 months old. she's my girl, my favorite. she isn't that cuddly, but god, i love her. and we may have to put her baby down after she delivers. and it is just tearing me apart. heartache upon heartache. 2 years ago her 1-month old baby died on my birthday. and now she might have caught a virus that if it was transmitted to her baby in utero could doom it to die. I'm terribly sad right now, and I can't stop thinking about her and her unborn baby. i should be at the house on baby watch like usual, and i'm not this year. sadness for lots of reasons.

so on to happier random thoughts. i decided today that i miss cooking. when i was at my best girl dol's place, she and her partner did most of the cooking, so i didn't do much at all there. so far in my new digs, i've cooked eggs with cactus and eggs with braising mix and garlic. and hot water for tea. what the hell have i been eating?! cheese. and bananas. and leftover pizza. and tomorrow, i've got a breakfast meeting, so i'll be out for that meal, and dinner is at the sep school event...so no cooking tomorrow. i got my cook's illustrated magazine in the mail and finally read it tonight. geez, i love that mag. i got a handy tip on why nonfat milk foams better than whole milk, and why you need to bring your eggs to room temperature for cakes. very useful stuff, right?! and there's an awesome recipe for a plum tart...looking forward to summer fruit so i can make it! plum is another funny word repeated over and over. plum plum plum plum

and this summer i want to teach myself dvorak. i told my workstudy about this a while ago that this would be a summer task. i was going to last summer, but somehow got too busy. uber, uber nerd. yup. and speaking of nerds, dorks, and geeks, i fit nicely in with nerds and geeks, but i'm not sure with dorks. does anyone fit in with dorks? is it possible? that's one to contemplate at 1:51am.

so i've gotten all the random stuff out of my head, and i think i can fall asleep now....
g'night.

impermanent strength is fine by me

yesterday was alpaca shearing day. day for my babies to go to the 'salon' and get their annual haircuts. I met up with michael at the house at 7am and we got the kids haltered and loaded up in the trailer. Maya had been shorn already after the stillbirth and the llamas are going next week to CSU for their shearing, so we only had 6 to take.

We got everyone up to this other ranch where our favorite traveling shearer from down under, had been booked for the day. The other ranch had about 20 animals to shear, and a few friends who had minimal experience with alpacas helping out. The process this particular shearer uses is lay down the animals on their sides and keep them stretched out by attaching a loop of rope to each foot, each end of the alpaca (front end and back end) is then connected via rope to a pulley that can be tightened to keep the animal immobile. Sounds harsh, but is actually the most humane system I've seen...and I've seen several different ways to shear an alpaca. Some animals freak out during shearing and spit, scream and/or pee. Some just quietly take it.

We had enough people that we were able to have a few people on take-down the animal duty, some on grabbing and bagging fleece duty, and some getting the next animal to be shorn haltered and ready. I did some of each, but ended up doing the bulk of the getting next animal ready duty. There was a woman there who had a little experience with the animals, but not much. She was hesitant and shy around the alpacas, not wanting to hurt them and not wanting to get hurt. She was awkward with the animals and didn't seem comfortable 'on deck' standing in a big open area trying to handle fidgety, freaked out alpacas. I watched her for a bit while working in the shearing area. After a few animals, she said she'd need help getting more alpacas haltered up to bring out, so I stepped out to help. Once in the pen, it was really clear that I was the experienced handler. She was shy about grabbing the animals, and I just stepped up to animals I didn't know, caught them pretty easily, and haltered them up. I ended up doing this with several animals, including a male that everyone warned me was difficult--he was a sweetie and I had no trouble on my own. I led several of those alpacas out to the 'on deck' area and did some on-the-spot tonglen with some of them. Some were really nervous, and I just breathed in their fear and sent them out open space, I breathed in the terror and sent out coolness and relaxation. Some of them I could tell needed to walk instead of stand around waiting, so I walked them and talked to them. I had the realization that this woman that I was assisting (and sort of took over for) was how I was with these animals 5-6 years ago. I used to really admire people who had the confidence to walk up to any alpaca and be firm yet gentle, and just grab an animal in a way that looked effortless. Here I was doing just that. I've owned alpacas for 5.5 years, and started looking at them as a dream 9 years ago.

I don't know when I lost my fear, I don't know when I found my seat, when I became the woman who could pick up wriggling 20-50 pound crias (babies), who could evaluate a stud by the size of his testicles (and the rest of the conformation package), who could give shots and worming paste and trim toenails, who could hold the tail of a female while she was being bred, and put her arm inside an alpaca's vagina and attempt to deliver a baby. When did I become a woman who is stronger than she realizes? I've learned so much about myself from having a farm. I learned that I can't be a rancher without becoming attached to my animals, I can't kill my own chickens (so I won't eat meat), and I can I can cry at the injustice of a chicken and duck dying at the hands of a skunk who could kill them but wouldn't eat them. I've learned that I can shovel feet of snow and carry hay bales and drive rigs full of trees and trailers filled with animals, and dig graves for dead cats. I can love my animals so much that I mourn them when they die, and cry when they give birth.

So I'm proud of myself for being strong. I'm proud of myself for getting outside my comfort zone of suburbia and I'm proud of myself for doing hard work and trying to live a life that has a lot of challenges. I'm proud to recognize how much I've grown and changed in my life, and I don't want that to stop. I'm stronger than I think I am, and this is a great lesson to remember. I keep learning it and remembering it, and I keep forgetting. I've been down on myself the last few days, berating myself, and being really self-aggressive. Yesterday was so wonderful to be able to take another look, to know that none of it is solid. Even the pride isn't solid, the "yay for me, i'm so strong" isn't permanent. None of it is. None of it needs to be.

solo road trip day #8: the journey home

so I'm back in Boulder!

Yesterday I completed the solo road trip by driving 435 miles from Santa Fe to Boulder in 6.75 hours. The day started with a lovely breakast at my B&B followed by a little reading in my room followed by a 1 hour massage. heaven. walking out of there, I was a little woozy, so I took myself to Trader Joe's (oh I miss my TJs) and got some snacks for later (yay for TJs brand of TastyBite, jasmine green tea, and papadum chips) and a kombucha from Pharmaca. I filled up the car (even though I could have gone another 250 miles without a refill) since I needed a little bit of time and space after the massage before getting on the highway.

I left at noon and drove and drove and drove through mountains and prairies and mountains again. The roads were once again eerily empty. I stopped after 4 hours for a snack at Cracker Barrel (fried okra, turnip greens, greenbeans and a big glass of milk)...I do love me some southern style greens. Back on the road, massive yucky construction rush hour traffic in Colorado Springs, but even with that delay I was parked at Dolly's by 6:40. I got home, nobody was there, so I showered the road grime off, called my parents, sent a hello text, and sat down for 2 minutes when Dolly and Adam came home. Dolly's first words to me were something like "oh my god, you're so clear! you're glowing!" crazy, eh?

The trip was amazing. I feel so...myself. I feel integrated and whole and connected and happy. I seriously need to do this more often than once in a lifetime. I'm not sure solitary retreats are for me, but solo road trips sure are.

so I'm back, I went to my therapist this morning and then I went to work. I tried really hard to do work and was pretty successful until mid-afternoon when the bordom kicked in. holy crap do I miss having the teachers and students around. I miss the activity and the challenge. I'm sure this is good for me...the gap of summer helps me appreciate the school year all the more. If I never had the gap, I'd probably eventually get burnt out and resentful and not enjoy the crazy, busy, full, rich worklife. So the gap of summer is good. I just wish it wasn't so freakin' long! ;) well, it gives me time to solo road trip and group road trip (i've got some maybes) and to travel to Boston in June to see the BFF and to have time connect with old and new friends. so maybe summer isn't so bad, afterall.

solo road trip day #7: glowing smushpot of love

So it just keeps getting better. Today i slept in again (8am!), showered, and then had breakfast at my B&B. So delightful to have delicious food prepared for you. There was wonderful fruit salad, homemade granola, and freshly made vegetarian corn/squash/pepper/tomato tamales with really good avocado on top. Super yum. After breakfast I walked to the Georgia O'Keefe Museum and spent some time there learning about her life, her work, and enjoying her art.

After the O'Keefe museum, I wandered around downtown Santa Fe, stopping in several of the art galleries (there seem to be hundreds of art galleries). My favorites were one whose name I can't remember with local artists and the other was the Chuck Jones Gallery. Oh, if to only have thousands and thousands to spend on art...oh well, looking is free! I wandered along the river and came across some really beautiful, bizarre carved wooden saints (see photo album). I bought a few pieces of jewelry as gifts (though I'm tempted to keep for self). I had lunch at a lovely place with a covered patio so I could be outside without frying (I think I'm developing my summer arm-only tan). After lunch, I walked and walked and walked some more. I went to a great used bookstore that really reminded me of the creepy bookstore in Buffy. There was even a section on the "occult". I bought two books, one lovely compilation of Shakespeare (all his plays and poems in one volume) and a copy of "Verses from the Center" by Stephen Batchelor, a book that I had borrowed for months from someone at work that has a wonderful translation of Nagarjuna's "Mulamadhyamakakarika" (for those who care). I then returned to my room and lounged/read/relaxed for half an hour before going to my SPA treatment.

Well, I thought yesterday was luxurious and pampering and indulgent, and it was, but today's treatment was bliss.

It all began with a foot scrub while sipping Jamu tonic which was some sort of chilled, fruity, herbal infusion. After the foot bath, I had a 1-hour, hot jasmine oil massage. I think yesterday's adventure in nakedness was just preparing me for today. Sure I've had professional whole-body massages in the past, but it usually takes me a good part of the massage to get comfortable with my own naked body being touched by someone else even with the covering and draping. Anyway, I had no shame holding me back, and I was able to enjoy the whole hot oil massage experience.

After the massage, I was covered in warm towels for a few minutes while my massage therapist prepared the body scrub. Section by section, I got another layer of hot oil rubbed in, I was then sprinkled with a turmeric, sandalwood, and rice powder, after the paste was scrubbed in, that section was then slathered in a mixture of honey and yogurt and then covered back up as she repeated the process over the rest of my body. After I was covered head to toe, I had 10 minutes in a private steam shower where I got to sit in the steam and let my whole body mask soak in. While I was steaming, my massage therapist prepared my bath.

After the steam shut off, I showered, and then climbed into my giant, granite bath tub that was filled with lovely warm water and hundreds of rose petals. There was ginger tea and a small plate of fruit and chocolate on the edge of the tub. Divine. 30 minutes in the tub is a long time to sit and think and try to float. For me, trying to float doesn't work. I discovered that when I was able to really let go, to not think about it, I was floating. So interesting to notice my breath, to notice the thoughts coming and going.

Laying in a tub covered in rose petals...what a silly thing, what a wonderful thing. Laying in the tub, sipping ginger tea, with soothing music playing quietly, I thought about the word sensual. Sensual means experiencing through the senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell). This spa package certainly hit all the senses. I find it interesting how the mind can make connections to memories based on sensual experiences...the taste of ginger tea reminded me of my first Naropa Orientation party where a first year student made ginger tea. The little plate of fruit and chocolate reminded me of spending time with my ex-sister-inlaw in Hawaii. The bath got me thinking about my mother, wondering if she ever has treated herself to this kind of experience. How I learned from my mother to take care of everyone else in your life before you take care of yourself. How I want to take care of her, to treat her and pamper her while I still can. When my time was up in the tub, my massage therapist rang a little bell to let me know it was time to get dressed. Is it all over so soon? And yet it feels a lifetime.

My outer self is radiating. My inner self is radiating. I am soft, I am melting, I am a glowing smushpot of love.

solo road trip day #6: body body

What a wonderful, wonderful day! I woke up LATE, had a very late breakfast (almost lunch) at a cute local cafe in Albuquerque, and then drove toward where I thought the mountains were. Turns out I was wrong and headed toward the city. I realized that I was NOT interested in city stuff or museums today, and turned around and headed back east to the mountains. I had seen info on a scenic road through the mountains that would eventually lead to Santa Fe, so I hopped onto that road instead of getting on I-25. I am SO glad I did. I got to drive through the mountains, windows open, with Bruce Springstein serenading me (loudly)! Yay for scenic drives :)

I landed in Santa Fe and kept driving, feeling my way toward town. I eventually stopped in a parking lot to look up directions to my B&B only to discover that I was about 3 blocks away! My internal compass seemed to be working well today. I got to the B&B and checked in, got my stuff unloaded, had a little down time lounging on the super comfy bed, and then got myself back out on the road to a Japanese-style bath house just 20 minutes from my B&B.

Upon arrival, you are given a standard-issue kimono/robe, a locker key, and a brief tour of where to go. I opted for the "women's bath" which is a women's only section. I was really pushing my edges here since I'm generally freaked out by water and nakedness, and let me tell you, this place has an abundance of both. Well, I'm ok with other people's nakedness, and I'm ok with my own as long as nobody is around but me, but the idea of being naked in front of other people...well, there's a full-body blush. I don't even shower at the gym because I can't handle the being naked in front of other women part.

So getting to the tub took me a few stages. I had to start in the sauna in my kimono, then moved to a lounge chair in just a towel, then finally the full monty in the tub. After a few minutes in the hot water chatting with other great women, the whole being naked thing stopped being a big deal. Well it stayed a little deal, but was mostly fine :) I bounced between being in the hot tub, sitting on the edge of the tub with my feet in to cool down, getting back in to get really hot, then dashing to the cold plunge, getting so cold my feet started to spasm and then warming back up by sitting meditation in the sauna...all naked! I did this for over 2 HOURS. I have new-found comfort with my body. Sure I don't have a perfect body, but there sure wasn't anyone there that did. Everyone has flaws and scars and lumps and too much of some things and not enough of others. Right, being human doesn't mean being perfect. So I have a big butt and I don't have giant boobs. So what.

I didn't die of embarrassment, and I didn't drown (two things I was concerned about), and I would certainly go back another time. I'm not sure I'd be up for the "communal tub" that is mixed men & women...that's a whole other level of body stuff that I'm not ready to explore yet.

I am rested, I am hydrated, I smell good, my skin feels nice, I had an adventure and learned some things about myself...all for $20. What a bargain!

solo road trip day #5: texas to albuquerque

Today has been another interesting day. I woke up early EARLY when I heard Doug getting ready for work. I wanted to make sure I was awake to say good bye...I don't know how long it will be before I see him face to face again. He left for work at 5:30am! crazy army hours. I respect him so much. I don't agree with this war we're in, but we're in it. Doug and everyone else in the military doesn't just do a job, this is their LIFE. And chosing to serve your country doesn't just impact your life, it impact the lives of all those close to you. When he gets sent, his partner Susie will be impacted, his friends and family will be impacted, and ripples out and out and out. So on memorial day eve, I want to take a moment to say thank you to Doug and to Bryan and to all those I know and don't know who are serving this country so that I can chose whether or not to practice any religion, and I can chose to use birth control and I can chose to be married or not and I can chose to have fries with that (or not) and I can chose to take my freedom for granted (or not) and I can chose to vote and participate in the political process, and I can chose to spend way too many hours on myspace and so I can take solo road trips.

After Doug left, I went back to sleep and didn't wake up until nearly 9am! I showered, ate breakfast with Susie, and then got on the road at 10:30am. What a luxurious late start! I drove and drove and drove through Texas and New Mexico. I had no plan for where I'd be tonight other than knowing I'd be somewhere between Copperas Cove, TX and Santa Fe, NM. I decided to take a detour and go to Albuquerque. I'm now snug in my very swanky $40 motel room with free wireless, cable TV, a microwave, a mini fridge, and two queen beds. This is way more plush than my $30 motel room in Roswell, NM that didn't have any hot water for my sink or shower (seriously). There is even a little sampler freebie bag with EmergenC, face cream, tylenol, and granola bars!

I know this might sound weird, and Doug would probably say that it is my hippie, liberal side talking, but I put a little intention out there for an inexpensive, clean, easy to find, nice place to stay tonight. I said the word "indulge" again in my head and poof! here's this amazing room. So I feel like the universe is taking care of me. :)

I have no idea what I'll do in Albuquerque tomorrow. I'm only an hour or so from Santa Fe, and can check in as late as 8pm, so I will spend some time exploring. I was pulled here for a reason. i chose not to take the more direct road to Santa Fe when I had the chance, and something inside me said Albuquerque. Maybe it was all the 'q's and 'u's on the signs.

All I know is that when I was an hour from here, I could see the mountains in the distance, and I started to weep. Tear were summersaulting down my face. Maybe I'm just a mountain girl, maybe there is something more. I am curious to see what gifts the universe will give me tomorrow, what lessons I will learn, what adventures may happen. For now, I need to get some rest...my neck and shoulders are sore, and I am tired. 670miles in 11.5 hours today.

solo road trip day #3 & #4: doug and susie time

Friday, May 25. Susie had to work today, so Doug and I had some just us time. We talked, we went to a great place for lunch, we played Munchkin, and we watched many many episodes of Highlander (TV series). Doug, Susie and I all went out to dinner together (chinese food) and then went 'on post' to get some provisions for the evening. We talked and played munchkin and the wii (whee) and got pretty silly.

Susie and I eventually decided to go on a walk. It was raining that drippy, misty, slow-soaking rain when we went out. It's been raining here since Thursday evening, so everything is pretty saturated. We walked and talked about our lives, how hard it is to admit when you've made a mistake, how hard it is to look at yourself, how hard it is to love yourself, and how all these things are essential. All these things make you stronger. Susie is one awesome woman, and I'm so happy that she and Doug are together. They both seem really happy and good for each other. Doug came out to find us after 45 minutes. We came inside, got some refreshment, and then went back out and walked & talked some more. We were probably out another 15-30min when it started raining hard, and we finally came in for good. We all talked a while longer before finally calling it a night at 2am. Yay for connecting and reconnecting with friends.


Saturday, May 26. Slept in...and that felt so good. Susie had some solo shopping time today, so Doug and I spent some more "just us" time together. We talked, played wii, went to another great place for lunch, and then came back to the house and watched more Highlander tv series episodes. (yay for geeking out on highlander!) Doug, Susie, and I went to dinner at a great little mom 'n' pop italian restaurant (yum) and then got icecream at another little mom 'n' pop place (double yum). We came back played more wii and munchkin (yay for geeking out on video games and munchkin). Tonight is early bed time for everyone. Doug has to leave for work at 6am (stupid army hours) and so has to be in bed early. I'm trying to get sleepy too since tomorrow is my departure day.

The big solo adventure will resume...I dont know where I'm going to stop tomorrow, but it will be somewhere between Copperas Cove, TX and Santa Fe, NM. I have no city planned, and certainly no lodging secured. I'm going to really push my edge on this one and see where I land. Spontaneity is not something I'm good at or comfortable with. I like plans, I like security, and it is high time for me to come back to being playful and trust the universe (and myself).

solo road trip day #2: flying and going deeper

Today was a totally amazing, awesome day! It started out with waking up to realizing that the universe really is trying to help me out. Ok, let me go back in time...

Yesterday, before I left Dolly's house, I pulled 3 cards from her "Angel Cards", something she does every day and that I've started to do too. These are little cards that have words for support, guidance, inspiration, etc. My 3 cards: Healing, Transformation, Freedom. interesting, eh?

In my yesterday blog, I didn't mention that when I came back from dinner, I had a conversation with 3 men. I had parked the car in the motel lot, got out, and a few spaces over there were 2 men sitting on the tailgate of their truck drinking beer and chatting. When they saw me, they started chatting with me as I unloaded the car. Being a woman alone on the first night of the trip, I was a little hesitant to get too friendly, to give out too much info about myself. I noticed my guardedness, my lame excuse for leaving and retreating to my room.

This morning I woke up and said, hey, that was a missed opportunity last night. The men were friendly, and seemed genuine. They wanted me to know they were native american. They wanted me to talk to them. Girl, if you're going to have an adventure, go have an adventure! I thought about the Book of the Dead...this wasn't my only chance. I will have another opportunity, I just need to look for it, not be afraid.

so i got myself a lovely $3.00 breakfast at the Roswell Cover-Up Cafe (and Weather Balloon Monitoring Station). I had the flying saucer special (2 eggs sunny side up, hash browns, toast and coffee). You'll need to check out the photos in my picasa album to see the alien head street lights. What a goofy town.

I was feeling really good this morning, so I decided to go to Carlsbad Caverns. It twas SO SO worth it. Carlsbad Caverns is a giant cave system near Carlsbad, NM. There were several options for touring the caves, and I chose the $6 "self-guided" tour. You could choose to take an elevator directly from the visitor center (at the surface) to the "Big room" or take the "Natural Entrance". I chose the Natural Entrance route, which descends 750 feet over 1.25 miles and meets up in the Big Room. For a big National Park, I was surprised at how non-crowded the place was. It was really wonderful being able to hike down the trail with very little interaction with other people. I stopped a few times during the descent to write. Here's some transcriptions from my journal:

"Walking down dark twisty slippery path ways. My hand on the wet metal hand rail, feeling the moisture slide beneath my fingers as I go down deeper and deeper. I've passed all the people. I am alone on this descent, down into the womb of the great mother. Away from all human voices, away from the screeching of bats. Away from sunlight and cloud and wind. Only the sound of dripping water. It is dark. I descend faster and faster down the hill. I am almost running, almost flying. Something hits my pinky finger as it slides along the bar, and my hand recoils from the railing as if bitten. My mind slowly reacts: water drop. Nothing to fear. I go into the womb, into the grave. So dark and calm and moist and musty. I am cheerful. I am alone."

"I reach the Great Room. The Main Womb. And it is filled with phallices falling from the ceiling and reaching up from the floor. Everywhere I look in this womb. Emptiness and form. I reach the place with a lookout into a deep, dark hole. I cannot see the bottom. I lean far over the railing. This is not like me! I never get close to the edge like this, never lean over. But today I lean over, and I am not afraid."

I know now the cave dreams from a few nights ago were calling me here to this place. I felt so free, so alive. I felt connected to my beginning and my ending down deep within the earth. I will come back to this place. It is only a long day's drive from Boulder, after all.

I left the caverns at 12:45, and I drove and drove and drove though the last bit of New Mexico and into Texas. The roads are empty today again. I am delighted to have so much open space all to myself. I listen to my 2 new CDs purchased at the Caverns bookstore. I listen to Neil Diamond and sing loudly. I listen to my new CD mixes given by a friend before the trip for the second and third time. I drive for hours and hours. Who knew that Texas was so beautiful?! It started out in the West with vast flat lands with huge buttes, and then morphed into a land full of trees and creeks and wildflowers and goats. Hundreds of goats munching on grasses and flowers. So beautiful. When the sun went down, the rain began. Sheets of rain so hard and furious, I had to slow to 25mph for quite a while and was still edgy. Flooding on the sides of the roads, water pooling up in the intersections in the little towns. The lightening is so fantastic it blinds me. Mini-moments of just bright light and no other sensations. Lightening and rain and rain and rain.

I finally arrive at Doug's house. He comes out to greet me and we are both getting soaked as we hug. It is SO good to see his face. I hardly recognize this man. Even though I saw him a year ago for an hour, the last time I really spent time with him he was 16 and I was 18. We stayed up a while talking, and now he's asleep and I'm writing this.

Such a glorious day.

solo road trip day #1

warning: this blog is boring. sorry readers, but I'm tired and I'm pretty sure this is borning.

I had a busy, emotional day yesterday followed by a wonderful, grounding evening. I got to have dinner with a friend and had good food and really good conversation. I was a bit of a chatterbox, but I think that happens when I start telling stories. After dinner I went back to Dolly's and talked a lot more. I was so excited for my trip I woke up multiple times in the night thinking it was time to wake up! I had a really crazy dream in which I was trying to get to Shambhala Mountain Center, but the only way there was through a series of caves, and the caves were flooded (not to the ceiling, but with big lakes replacing the paths that I 'remembered'. I was pretty freaked out by the idea of abandoning the car and trying to swim across these flooding trails to get to SMC. I eventually did get in the water and crossed one part successfully. I was floating really well. Floating on my back, even. When I got to the other side I looked around the corner and saw there was another deep lake that needed to be crossed. I said, this is crazy, even if I do get across and get to smc, how will I get all the stuff back? I'm going to get all our stuff in the big red plastic boxes...that stuff won't float! Luckily there were others around who had experience with floods and when we decided to come back another time, the waters had all receded. weird, eh?

So on to the road trip.

I left Boulder this morning at 7:30 am with a plan to drive and drive and drive all the way to Roswell, NM. My hope was to arrive by 4pm so I could have an hour at the International UFO Museum & Research Center before they close at 5pm.

I had quite a lovely morning. The weather in Boulder was cool, and there wasn't much traffic in Denver. Things were pretty smooth sailing for the morning. I had good music: my ipod was set on shuffle, so I got a great mix of my tunes. It was so fun to get a Peter Gabriel song followed by Billy Idol followed by Death Cab for Cutie followed by ABBA followed by ZZ Top followed by Rickie Lee Jones (and on and on and on).

Since I was with just myself, I gave a big cheer when I reached the New Mexico border. Unfortunately, I didn't think to try to get a photo of the border sign. It really isn't that interesting, I suppose, so you can just imagine a big sign that says "welcome to New Mexico".

Hm. this really is a boring blog so far. Let's try to spice it up....oh, wait, I was in a car all day by myself...not too much exciting stuff to report. I stopped for food and fuel in Raton, NM, and had what I think will be the only fast food on this trip. McDonalds fries seemed like such a good idea at the time...yuk. There was a pretty nasty construction traffic on NM-84, with multiple long periods of being stopped in a line of cars waiting for a pilot car to lead us through the tangle, and I got seriously delayed.

I finally made it to Roswell after 9 hours and 560 miles. Sadly, even going straight to the UFO museum, I only got there 5 minutes before 5pm. They let me in for free and I jammed through the exhibits. No time to read captions on photos, just looking while walking past! I was surprised that the museum was more substantial than I would have thought. I zipped through to the gift shop before they shut down and got myself a new mug with the International UFO Museum logo on it! I think this is better than one with a cartoon alien face, don't you.

After the museum, I located my motel, checked in, unloaded a little, spent a little time laying on the bed reading blogs and checking weather forecasts for tomorrow before gathering myself up again to get some dinner. I ended up at a cute local place called "Nuthin' Fancy Cafe". I had black-eyed peas, cornbread, and fried okra for dinner while reading a Neil Gaiman book. Not as good as having company, but the food was tasty and filling, and I enjoyed having a little reading time today.

tomorrow I had hoped to go to Carlsbad Caverns, but I heard a rumor that there is a lot of construction on the road to Carlsbad, so I'm thinking about skipping it in favor of a better route. I figure I'll see how I feel in the morning and make a decision then.

I did take some photos today while driving (yes, it could be dangerous, but I only pulled out the camera when there were NO other cars around. I promise!) You can see today's photos at: http://picasaweb.google.com/1JennieSanchez

will update ya'll from somewhere in TX!

love, indulgence, and integration

I love Fridays. Fridays I get to see my therapist, and I adore her. She's helped me make connections that I haven't quite been able to get to on my own; she's helped me articulate my experience by asking me to think about things in ways I normally wouldn't.

Friday I spent a lot of time talking about my upcoming road trip.

This road trip has been in the works since March, and has been symbolic of the start of the leg of my journey in life for a while. Last summer I wanted to take a solo road trip, and the plan got changed when I ended up traveling with my sisters. I had SO much fun with Courtney (Boulder to St. Louis) and Lindsey (St. Louis to Boulder) and wouldn't trade those experiences for anything, but I missed out on a chance to do something for just me, by myself.

I talked to her about how hard it was for me to be very clear that this trip was SOLO, and that no other people allowed for any part of this journey. It was hard to be selfish and do something just for me. She asked me to feel in my body what it is like to say that I want to do something for me. My heart is tight, pounding. I spoke of my head vs. heart dilemma. How my head says "being selfish is bad" even when my heart is saying "I want to take care of me. I need to take care of me." She asked me to put on the voice of my heart. Where is it, what is is saying? It is locked in a cage inside a dark closet, beating on the bars trying to get out. What is it asking for? What does it want? Adventure. It wants to dance. It wants to celebrate, and it wants to love.

Many of you have heard from me since last summer that I've been planning to shave my head. The head shaving has lots of meaning for me...doing something for ME without caring what anyone else thinks. The idea of shaving my head was an act of rebellion, of differentiation, of liberation, of selfishness. It is really interesting, but the desire to go bald has really loosened since I left the house. In march I formulated a secret plan to shave my head while I was on the road.

I spoke to my therapist about the head shaving. I spoke to her about my relationship with my hair. How I had taken 5+ years to grow it to my waist, how I cut it last summer, and how I only recently rediscovered how much I LOVE getting my haircut...how the ritual of having someone wash, cut, and style my hair is so amazing.

I spoke to my therapist about how I've been getting noticed lately. How people I've known for a long while but don't see often (certain friends, many people that I work with) have seen me recently and have told me how good I look. How I seem relaxed, more open, glowing. How people have been flirting with me, and how fun that is. How I'd forgotten how nice it is to be noticed.

Therapy this week brought up some very good points:
that I'm starting to remember and reconnect with more aspects of what it is like to be a feminine woman, and how does that fit in with shaving my head? I like my hair! I like playing with it and getting to get 2 hour haircuts. what it would be like for me to go on this trip and take time to pamper myself, to indulge (my therapist's special word for me) in things that are fun for me and have been missing from my life. could I be both a feminine woman and a strong, independent woman traveling alone? holy crap. I've been talking for a long time about trying to do both, to find the balance, to bring those two aspects together. I've never successfully done that before. I've got role models to look to, women who are amazing and strong and beautiful and soft and tough. I can do this. I don't need to shave my head to prove to myself or anyone else that I am strong. It might be a fine thing to do at some point later, but right now I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons.

I'm going to take my therapist's advice...it is time for me to indulge. She pointed out that the first word my heart-voice said was adventure. I'm going to get some spa time, some massage time, some lovely drinking tea time, some hiking time, some crazy roadside museum time, some hot springs time, some excellent meals time, some scifi geek time, some flirty fun time, some singing loudly in the car to music I like time, some book reading time, some mourning endings and celebrating new beginnings time, some just me time. It is time for me to find myself again, to get back in balance, to start the next part of my life journey not just with words, but with actions. I may be alone for a long time to come (or not) but I need to restart, reset, reclaim myself, so that I can start the next phase of my life well. I'm excited for the adventure to begin.

And Friday after therapy I spent some time researching things for my trip. I'm not going to reveal too much yet...I'm not going to plan too much yet (though I am trying to secure lodging since it will be memorial day weekend travel). It was so wonderful to get the idea in my head that I would indulge, and poof, I found all kinds of fun, quirky, luxurious places to choose from!

AND Friday after work I got to hang out with my Paulie. We drank dirty martinis and he introduced me to a new friend and we listened to music and then we walked the mall and went into an art gallery and laughed at silly jokes and went back to listen to more music and then went back to his place where we talked and laughed and watched tv and paused tv (he's got a fancy tivo) to talk and laugh and drink tequila (ok, I had 2 half-shots spread out over the evening, and that got me too tipsy to drive home) and watch more tv and talk more. I ended up crashing at Paul & Tanya's place which was just SO wonderful.

To continue with the theme of making good discoveries and re-connections here's my few summary thoughts on Friday night: 1. Goodness it has been way, WAY to long since I've gotten to spend that kind of quality time with my found cousin. I love that man, I do. 2. When I'm tipsy I like to send text messages. I really need to watch that impulse. At dinner Paul pulled out his phone and showed me a message I sent him in November (!) because he's been wondering why I would text him late at night asking him how much he could bench. My only guess was that I must have been tipsy at the time...I recognize that I do this. I know I've sent D a tipsy text with "I love you and I'm buzzed!" because I've got his reply text saved "i love you and I'm not buzzed"

so perhaps parting words for this long, long rant should be to you all who've made it though the post with "I love you (and me) and I'm not buzzed"

housekeeping updates

A few updates for the peanut gallery:

1. Thank you to all of you who called, texted, and in-person hugged in response to yesterday's freakout. I came out of my couples counseling appointment yesterday evening with 4 phone messages and a text! You peeps are awesome.

2. I'm sorry for not returning phone calls. My cell plan is a 300minute plan, and I've currently used 216 minutes, and have 2 weeks more before the cycle ends...I'm trying to get my butt over to the t-mobile store to upgrade to a higher minute plan, but haven't made it there yet, and their website seems to indicate plan changes won't go into effect until the next billing cycle! Let's hope I can cute my way out of this one.

3. I am almost officially a member of the Board of Directors for September High School, a small, independent school in Boulder. I've changed my stuff so it's all private now since there's a small chance that those highschoolers might care. I seriously doubt they'll even pay attention to who is on the board, but ya never know.

4. I'm going on a solo road trip starting Wednesday next week. I'll be driving to Killeen, TX to visit my Doug. I plan to return on Monday or Tuesday (May 28 or 29). I'll do my best to keep you all up to date with a travelblog, but there's no telling where I'll get access to wireless for my laptop or find a computer with an internet connection.

4.1. I am getting ready to road trip, so if anyone has any good tunes for the car for me to borrow on my new ipod, lemme know. I plan to load up the little gizmo for the trip!

6. I'm thinking of starting a new count (to replace the old "daily egg count") of how many times I can insert foot into mouth. Geez...when I get nervous, I get quiet, but when I try to not be quiet I say somewhat inappropriate things. I don't think repeating here the foot-in-mouth comments would be helpful, so perhaps I won't include the tally here either.

4.2. I'm also looking for suggestions on places to crash between Wichita, KS and Oklahoma City, OK. I'm planning to do some research this weekend, but if you have ideas of funky and/or inexpensive places, I'm open. I'm tempted to stay at my favorite B&B near Wichita, but would like to see something new...

4.3. I'm also looking for books on tape/cd, so any suggestions here are also appreciated. I've heard Pema Chodron is great to listen to, but I'm not sure if meditation tapes are good for driving...other ideas?!

10. because it is good to end on 10 when I'm sleepy.

car accident

I got into a car accident this morning. I'm FINE (physically) but still shaking (internally and externally). I was at a stop light with one car in front of me. Just sitting there. Stopped. And then my foot slipped, and the car rolled, and I bumped the car in front before I could hit the break again.

The light turned green, we drove to a place to pull over, and I got out of the car nervous and embarrased. His car had no damage. My car has a small indent in the front license plate. Once it was clear there was no damage, I got yelled at for a long time. It started with "How long have you been driving? How could you run into me at a stop light? What were you thinking? You're lucky there's no damage to my car." I apologized profusely. It was an accident, my foot slipped off the break, I tried to explain. He didn't seem to hear me. He thought that I was driving and didn't stop in time. I tried again to explain that I was stopped behind him for a while when my foot slipped. He went on to tell me how luck I was to have been behind him..."what if there wasn't a car in front and I didn't stop in time as I was approaching the light and hit someone pushing a stroller, or hit a child!" Of course, you're right. But, I was stopped, my foot slipped. It was an accident. I didn't do any of this on purpose. "You've ruined my day" he said. "What were you thinking? How hard is it to stop at a stop light?" I kept trying to apologize. I offered to exchange information if he thought it would be helpful, if he thought that there might be some damage. He told me I was lucky the trailer ball wasn't on the hitch, that he was on his way to go pick it up, and if it had been on, I really would have damaged my car. Yes, of course, I told him. I am so sorry. I started to cry and told him that my husband and I were ... and cried. Somehow my vulnerability stopped him. He said that I should be more careful and then, "listen, lady, maybe you should calm down before you get back in the car." He said that there was no damage, and he'd be on his way.

I'm totally rattled. I've been crying on and off all morning. I get to the point of tears, have a few sobs, and then shut it all down. Touch and go. Go and go. I can't go there, I can't stay tapped into that pain. I need to keep it together, I've got work to do today.

If you see me later, hugs will be appreciated.

head vs. heart

Oh, the glorious battle continues! Why is it that there has to be a battle of head vs. heart? They often want the same thing, right? I suppose the problem is when things get so out of balance.

Example #1, tonight I was being interviewed to become a member of the board of directors for a small independent high school in town. One of the questions was, "how and why did you change from teaching physics to working at Naropa?" I gave the logistical answer...I moved from california to boulder and found Naropa's website. But then I gave the answer that holds the core truth: I loved science, but I hated the culture of working in science. When I was in that world, I was all in my head. At my job at Naropa, I've found a balance between head and heart.

Example # 2: Today, I had an all-day retreat for a committee of all the people in the university who have the same job I do (administrative head for academic department). We had an in-service "training" for most of the retreat, and the main topic was contemplative administration. When the facilitator asked the group to talk about what their inspiration is for working at Naropa, I spoke about being able to bring all of myself to my work...that I need to be fully integrated in every part of my life, and working at Naropa allows me to be a real human being with emotions and thoughts, talents and weaknesses. I left science because I couldn't keep living only in my head. I couldn't keep living a disassociated existence. I couldn't keep trying to assimilate in a world that doesn't value heart or emotion or weakness.

I'm on a path of working every day to keep head and heart in balance. My mind races, and it jumps ahead to look at many different options, many possible parallel universes all created by making different choices. I notice my thoughts and impulses, consider how I feel about the thoughts and impulses, and make choices about whether or not to act on those thoughts and impulses. Sometimes I make good choices, sometimes not. The noticing is important. The space to consider and to feel how I really feel before I act is important.

trying not to be extraordinary dragon bait

just trying to be a regular girl
everyone around me sees something I don't
or sees something I want to deny
I don't want to be extraordinary
I just want to be like everyone else
I don't have superpowers, though I'd like to
I'm no hero, though I try to be every day
I don't kill vampires in dark alleyways
but I answer questions that come my way
my power is my knowledge
and my willingness to be human
that isn't so special.
I don't have pyramid power;
I'm no princess, I'm not dragon bait.
I'm still failing miserably at being normal,
I blush when they notice, I blush when they introduce me
as someone special
and I wish I could see what they see.
I'm just trying to be a normal girl, but maybe I don't know what that means.
Along the way I've forgotten myself and found myself and forgotten again.
I used to be so old...the 80 year old little girl.
Now I feel like a goofy teenager, giggling late into the night with my best girl.
Watching my impulses...recognize and relax...easier said than done!
Picking up the phone, hanging up the phone, picking it up, hanging it up
finally making the call when the timing is awkward, when I hope he doesn't pick up, but I hope he picks up. He picks up and a friend yells "jennie!" in the background.
how do I talk to my baby brother about what is going on
he's not a baby anymore, but a college graduate
I feel like a failure when I was supposed to be the one
setting the good example
acting like the shining star with the superstar trajectory
Maybe I am setting a good example
teaching him now as I did long ago
the lessons now are lessons of
how to be true to yourself, even when things are painful
instead of dictionary words and math flash cards and nintendo
he wants to move to LA to look for work
at least he'll be near my sisters
don't give up, don't settle for work that you aren't passionate about
don't settle for a life that isn't true to you.
Maybe this is what they see in me
the stubborn, unwillingness to fake my way through
my inability to be half-assed
my magic-loving, knowledge-seeking, playful, serious, human
me.

the slumber party continues

Thursday was a bit more mellow on the slumber party front. Dolly wasn't feeling too great after the stay up 'til the early hours. I went on a LOOONG walk with John. It was good to move my body and talk about the profound (how to be true to ourselves) and the silly (our appreciation of highlander, and role player games). I really do love that man...he's pretty amazing. When I got back, it was getting pretty dark and Dolly was watching one of our favorite trashy shows with medical interns with bad boundaries who have sex with inappropriate people. And since Dol's BF is gone, I'm in the bed with her! Yay for sharing the big bed with my big sis friend :)

It is funny how girls can share a bed and it is no big deal.

Hm. so Today I got a lot accomplished at work. I'm pretty pleased with this, since I've felt like such a slacker lately...it's been hard to concentrate at work with the emotional drama of my personal life layered on top of the sadness for the students graduating. Today I got a lot done on my list. It made me realize this will be one Long, Long Summer. I was in the office alone today and that is what summer usually looks like. BORING! I'm really going to miss the students and the activity of the school year. It will be nice to have a break, but I usually just need 2 weeks of quiet in the office before I start going stircrazy with the lack of students and faculty and university deadlines. we'll see...

It was good to have a relaxo evening with Dolly. We watched a movie (I even knit a bunch during the movie), we had tuna burgers and fries and salad for dinner, we went on a walk, we watched bad TV and did laundry. It was great to just chill.

Tomorrow is a big day...Graduation. I expect to cry a lot. Happy crying and sad crying. Sunday I'm going to a wedding, so probably more happy and sad crying. I'm excited for the weekend!